giving up....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2006
giving up....
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 9:38am
Woke up this morning, Mother's Day. I guess it is just not this break up that is getting to me it is everything. I am turining 39 in a month, 29 was harder than 30 for me too, and I am sitting here in bed thinking, it is just never going to happen for me. I repel men, 5 relationships, and nothing. I don't know if I have the energy to date anymore. I am sick of the bar scene. Tried internet dating, friends introducing me, I am just done. I feel like I am going to end up alone. Maybe it is my destiny. I just don't understand, everyone who meets me is like wow,why are you not taken? married? have you been married? etc... I have a brain, I have been asked to model, I love to cook, I love kids. I just keep meeting men who never love me. It is just too hard to take. Friday leaving work, everyone is saying "Happy Mother's Day" to those that have children, my eyes just started to well up knowing it may never happen for me. I wanted so badly to be married with kids, my friends had a bet that I would have been the first one down the eisle, since I am so domesticated. Nope, I am the career girl. My life consists of going to work, long hours, coming home eating dinner, and going to bed. That is it... weekends now may consist of going out of town but it will be partying, and bar hoping like last year in a place that is just full of players, guys not looking to really meet anyone. And all I see are these guys, older ones who just want the younger cupcakes I call them. They don't want 39 year olds, no way... 40-50 year olds want 27 year olds, and the sad thing is they can get them , have babies with them. I get so angry. Last weekend went to a party, the host is a doctor, has this 20 something running around the house telling us all he made the commitment, they are kissing, he is probably 50ish, I heard he was looking for me Thursday night in places I might go after work for a drink. WHAT!! here he has this beautiful girl who should not even be looking at this old jerk, and he is looking for me, wants to date me. Makes me so ill, I don't think I can even trust anyone again when I see things like this go on. My first love at 30, who I lost my virginity to, dated almost 3 years, we had the best relationship, still have not found that again, he told me he just did not love me enough to move ahead. Yet he would talk about growing old together. The 2nd guy told me to plan the wedding, then 2 months later got engaged to someone else and married 3 months later. The 3rd guy, hoped for a relationship with him, NY Wall st guy, really smart, loved that, and was really hot to me anyway. 42 and has no desire for any type of relationship. And this one 42, talking about what a great summer it is going to be, showing me the area he wants to live in when he gets married again some day and has kids and tells me he just has not found the right one, and hugs me. I just cant take it anymore. The lies, the betrayal, the dissapointment, I can't do this anymore. And sadly all I have to look forward to each day is another long day at the office, and I am burning out there. I just want to be in love, have someone love me, and have a family. I think I missed out, I think it is too late for me now. I am too old, and there is nothing out there anymore. The guys are getting worse and worse. Well, sadly, I am headed back into work today after Mother's day things with Mom and Grandmom. Maybe that will take my mind off of all of this....