Giving it until Sunday, then breaking NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Giving it until Sunday, then breaking NC
109
Thu, 01-03-2008 - 2:43pm

I've decided against everyone elses advice, that I just cant do it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 1:05am

Hi Daisy,

I just had to respond to this thread. Seventeen years ago, at age 34, I was in a brief but intense relationship that left me desperate and beyond frustrated when it ended. I blamed myself and played endless "what if" tapes in my head. I was incredulous and enraged that he could just throw away "what we had." It made no sense to me.

I was in a foreign country at the time and had planned on settling down there with the guy. After he broke up with me I realized I couldn't stay there, and 3 months later came back home. But I got much worse before I got better. I truly felt my life was over and contemplated suicide on several occasions. I spent three weeks in the psych ward of a hospital. It took me a full year and a half to even start getting over him.

Three years later (at age 37) I met and fell in love with my husband, with whom I have two wonderful kids. It's now crystal-clear to me why it never could have worked out with that other guy.

I'm here to tell you that you can and will get there too. But in order to do so, you MUST let go of the hope that your ex will come back. You may think the hope is the only thing allowing you to get out of bed in the morning. In fact, it's keeping you from healing. As long as you hold on to this hope YOU WILL REMAIN IN PAIN, because on some level you know the hope is unfounded.

You have all the information you need: he chose to leave you. This proves that the relationship didn't mean to him what it meant to you. Period. What you thought you had wasn't what you actually had. As someone else posted, he may not be able to articulate what felt "off" to him, but the fact is that something didn't feel right to him -- or he wouldn't have ended it.

When I was going through my post-breakup trauma, a family friend told me that "no man is worth the agony." I've come to agree with her. It's human nature, in the throes of a breakup, to think that this guy was the ONLY one for you, the ONLY one that could make you feel complete, the ONLY one you could love fully, etc. You're not the first one to experience these emotions and you won't be the last. They're illusory and mean nothing. There ARE other people you can love just as deeply and who will love you WITHOUT RESERVATION. But in order to find such people you absolutely MUST put this guy behind you. Yes, it's difficult. Enormously difficult. But you can do it and you will. I believe in you.

Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 8:49am
So how am I suppose to get rid of my "hope", and all the dreams I had of the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2003
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 9:25am

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You start letting it go by realizing it was founded on an illusion. The reality is that the hope existed in your mind, not in his -- or he wouldn't have broken it off. This was not the love of your life -- or he wouldn't have broken it off. This was not the greatest guy for you -- or he wouldn't have broken it off. That's a harsh reality but also a liberating one: if you didn't have what you thought you had, then you didn't lose what you thought you did. You lost a mirage, that's all. I promise you that you'll come to understand and accept this. Five years from now you'll look back on this relationship and see why it couldn't have worked.

I'd also like to address a comment you made in an earlier post, about how his feelings can't just change from one day to another. Here's my best guess on how/why you were "blindsided" in the breakup: at some point in your relationship, he began to have doubts. The doubts were tiny and transient at first, so he wasn't going to give you a play by play. After all, the doubts might disappear, and it would be destructive to ruin an enjoyable relationship by discussing them prematurely. As the days and weeks wore on, the doubts continued. They weren't serious enough to prevent him from having fun with you, from appreciating your good qualities or from communicating positive feelings to you, but they persisted nonetheless. At some point he simply realized that he couldn't make a long-term commitment to you (not because of anything you did, but because of some fundamental incompatibility he perceived) and made a swift and graceful exit. That's exactly how it went down in my breakup 17 years ago. I felt totally blindsided, but in truth I was not. Eventually I came to acknowledge all the little signs of hesitation he'd given me during the relationship. They were plain as day, but because of the great hopes I'd had in the relationship I'd pushed them out of my consciousness.

If this is the first "good guy" you've loved, it's natural for you to be especially devastated at the end. Please read over my posts, talk to counsellors and therapists, and force yourself to go out (even if just for brief walks) every day. Don't expect peace of mind to come right away, but don't resist the process either. You can't begin to grieve (and plan for the future) until you've accepted that the relationship is over. I can promise you one thing: the relationship WAS NOT your one chance at happiness, your one chance at lasting love. By definition, it was not lasting love on his part. Let him go, because he was never yours.

HTH Freelance

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 12:45pm

WOW, freelancemomma, your posts are ringing so true in my situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 1:46pm
Freelance, your post rang so true to me too. Aside from my mind's view that it was the "perfect" relationship, there were signs from year

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 3:43pm
Excellent post freelancemomma!!!




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 01-11-2008 - 4:03pm

Hi daisy,


::So how am I suppose to get rid of my "hope", and all the dreams I had of the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 10:48am
Hi daisy, how are you feeling after last night? Hope things went okay at least.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2007
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 10:56am
Hey wasnt there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2007
Sun, 01-13-2008 - 11:15am

No Daisy- it doesn't really

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