giving stuff back, getting stuff back
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| Mon, 11-01-2004 - 11:08pm |
i wrote jon an email saying that i wasn't going to contact him anymore, in any way shape or form. if he wants a friendship, he's going to have to make the next couple of steps, because i'm tired of trying, and getting no response. basically, i'm tired of hurting.
today we had class together, and i ignored him COMPLETELY. didn't even look at him ONCE. and i looked gorgeous ;) i was so proud of myself. i really feel like i'm moving on!
of course, he was SHOCKED that i wasn't pining for him, or looking at him, or needing him. he kept staring at me (i could tell out of the corner of my eye), and i didn't even glance in his direction.
tonight, he imed me about a school project we have.
i told him i had some things of his i would like to return to him, and i asked him if it would be okay if i returned it to him wednesday at school. he said that would be fine.
he has no idea what i'm going to give him. all the letters, cards, paintings, and flowers (i dried them and saved them) that he's given me. i can't bear to throw them away, but i can't have them in my home. i decided that if i give it to him, not only will he see that i'm serious about moving on, but he will hopefully understand that the memories between us are just that - memories.
part of me definitely wants that love back between us,
but an even bigger part of me wants to love myself again!
i've been reading a lot of relationship books, and it's actually been VERY therapeutic. i've started to make this breakup and emotional pain about ME. MY heart needs to heal, and i need to love MYSELF before i can love anybody else.
i'm so glad, because i can tell that i'm starting to be free of
the weight that's on my shoulders.
all you girls out there have faith! just when it seems like life can't get any darker, you find the strength in YOURSELF to see the rays of light beaming through the clouds.

Put the stuff in a box and put it in your basement or in the back of a closet, or give it to a family member or friend to hold, but don't give it back to him.
I had an ex give back a CD I gave him for Valentines Day (I broke up with him) and I lost SO much respect for him because I know the main reason he did it was to hurt me. Don't stoop to that (even if you're not doing it for those reasons).
Sheri
And I realize that you'e doing it in a public forum - probably having done alot of fantasizing about his reaction and response.
About his crestfallen face, about his teary eyes, about his inquiring words.....but have you prepared yourself for what is just as realistic an outcome?
Which is - he see it, he keeps whatever he needs for the school project, dumps in the nearest trash can all the things that you so lovingly preserved and saved as a momento of your "love and commitment" with a remark while doing it about "why'd you bring this junk, I don't want it."
Are you prepared not to cry in front of yoru peers and deal with that response?
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
i'm not at all, i promise. i'm moving on, and being petty and trying to hurt him after all the progress i've made is NOT something that i want to do.
i actually didn't think it would hurt him at all. to me, it seemed like the most reasonable alternative since i don't want to throw that stuff away (which would show him that i DON'T care about the time and effort he put into it), and i also don't want to keep it, because he's out of my life now. and you know what they say 'out of sight, out of mind.'
we go to a very small school, so it woudn'tve been public, and it definitely wouldn't be so he can be belittled in front of all of his friends. he has one friend who goes to that school besides me.
i do NOT want to hurt him, so instead of just giving that stuff back to him, i'll ask him if he wants it or not.
thanks for your input though. your guys's perspectives probably saved me from hurting him or making an ass out of myself. <3
I'm urging you to consider a third alternative: keeping it, but putting it out of sight, out of mind for the time being. As I said in my previous post, it's hard to anticipate now, but there will come a time when you'll want to have the memories.
Sheri
Sheri is right though....when you truly move on objectively and emotionally, when you look back on your life in a few years -y ou'll wish you had those things, at least a few of them. Either as ironic memories of how "semtimental and emotional" you used to be that you're not anymore - having replaced it with self-awareness and self-acceptance. Or as a reminder of how important to you your feelings about that relationship were - so that you don't lose touch with that aspect of yourself.
But you're not going to hurt him giving it to him or throwing it away. He's not asking for it back, he didn't ask for it to be preserved, and he might be a little unnerved or embarrassed to find out that you "memorialized" your love to that extent.
Females tend to read alot into things...when nothing really exists. A good rule of thumb in life is "deal with what is" - don't project, assume, don't read into actions or statements, and don't judge people by intentions - act on and use as fact "what is".
IF he asked to meet to get his project material back or whatever it was - that is really al he wants. He didn't ask to meet up because he misses your face, or wants to see if you miss him,or to see if possibilities exist. He wants his stuff back....and if all he gets is his stuff back taht he asked for and he politely thanks you and moves on - you have his respect for conducting yourself like and adult - and you have your self-respect for conducting yourself like a responsible adult.
If you meet up, hand him his project material and he says "oh, I thought that maybe you'd bring the letters, and flowers, etc. that you preserved of our relationship" - you can THEN know that he's not a very good communicator but he is thinking fo "something _ and you can ask him specifically what that "something" is.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
i know he doesn't care anymore, and that doesn't bother me. i think i'm more upset at the loss of companionship and security than the loss of him as a person.
before, i was just scared that this would be my only relationship - that i'd never find someone who's perfect for me, etc. etc. blah blah blah.
now that i'm past all of those insecurities, i am just trying to forget the pain of rejection...
i didn't mean to be rude to you, it's just that i felt misunderstood, and in turn, i misunderstood you guys as well.
thank you so much for the support. i'm glad that i'm healing, and i'm so glad that each day i'm more and more over him...it's just hard to not feel sadness when i read how he honestly USED to love me.
anyways, thanks so much for advising me against it. if he wants that stuff, he can specify for it. i'm not going to go out of my way for him anymore.
<3 thanks girls