God, this is so incredibly hard....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
God, this is so incredibly hard....
30
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 3:30pm

We were together from August of 2004-February of 2005 when I broke up with him ....I couldn't take his ambivalent behavior anymore. We had NC for 4 months. After that time I felt strong enough to attempt a friendship with him. We met up one evening and that was it. We were back together. We talked about the main issues and we agreed to try again. He clearly told me that he doesn't want to get married again (he was in a very bad 14 year marriage). That is ok with me. I don't necessarily feel like I need to be married to be happy with him. That was in June.

Things were great for about 2-3 months, actually better than they ever were the first 6 months. He was obviously very glad to be back together with me.....always loving, attentive, called more often. We saw each other about 3 times a week, always staying overnight everytime we're together.

Then we attended a wedding together -his ex-girlfriend's who he is still very good friends with. That's when the proverbial sh** hit the fan. I don't think it had anything really to do with seeing the ex get married. I think it was just the whole marriage thing. Let me add, that in addition to all this he has a huge deadline at work (and has them a few times a year) so he's been working long hours.

During the last 4 weeks he has

-been off and on extremely distant
-has 3 times in a row not initiated intimacy (this is very strange for him and was the first huge red flag)
-did not call on a Thursday night. We always get together on Thursday nights and have dinner together and at the very least give a call to connect and discuss our plans.
-did not call on another night that we usually get togethe and made other plans.
-has made many excuses about what is going on when I asked......don't feel well, have a headache, it's work, it's the kids....yada yada yada

Let me say that in the middle of this 4 week period he came on very strong one night (and I thought things were turning around).....he called ahead to make weekend plans and was extra affectionate and loving......only to turn around and act distant again.

Twice during this time period I came out and said....please tell me what's wrong. I can feel that something is wrong. He never had an answer for me. That just isn't good enough. Sure, everyone has a bad day from time to time, but this goes way beyond that. I am just supposed to act like nothing is happening when his ambivalence is killing me. I have been so emotional lately that I made an appt. with a counselor. Unfortunately she can't even see me until October 20.

Last night was another night that he would normally call. I purposely didn't come home and went shopping with a friend. I am not at all a game player. I am just not ready to talk to him about this. I don't even begin to know what to say.

I realize I should break up with him, but I am just not ready to do that yet. I know that when I do that I will never see him again because I couldn't take it.

I think I'm at the point that I need to be *point blank* with him. When we broke up the first time he admitted that he needed counseling but never got it.

I think I need to basically let him know that if this relationship is important to him, I need him to seriously work on this issue and if that means counseling,..........I want to tell him straight out that I can see he's running away.

He said that these issues have come up in his other relationships. Why would someone not want to get help and feel good about his relationships instead of running away all the time?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 3:36pm

Update: I sent a long letter to him spelling out all the issues I'm having and basically letting him know that the only way we can stay together is if he gets counseling.....

He called me today. He said that I was right about much of my letter. Sometimes he feels like he wants a relationship and sometimes he doesn't. He blamed his marriage again and said when I said I want a relationship with someone who is "whole", he said that he wasn't the man. He, also, commented that he warned me. Blah. I told him that in the letter and took blame for that as well.

He actually said that at one point he thought about us moving in together and that he has feelings for me.

The clincher was that he mentioned a woman he met 3 years ago. They, supposedly, were just friends but he can't seem to forget her. She was in a similar situation that he was in and I guess they bonded. He told me he hasn't seen her in a year but they sometimes talk on the phone.

He told me that he is afraid to have another relationship because he doesn't want to screw up another one. Great! He said that eventually he thinks he'll need counseling but, also, said that he's "getting there"...what the hell does that mean.

He's also afraid that he will cheat in a relationship because he was cheated on. I asked him if he was seeing anyone when he was with me and he said no.

I ended up hanging up with him because I was crying. I need to call him back for closure and ask him if this woman was at the catalyst in his erratic behavior with me.

I am totally in tears here but need a few final answers so I don't wonder forever. God, I could see that he really cared about me even a 2 weeks ago.




Edited 10/8/2005 3:39 pm ET ET by kerstynclare
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 5:35pm

Please get the book "He's Scared, She's Scared." I think you will be able to identify your boyfriends behavior. He has given you some major warning signs - he admits he's afrad he'll cheat, he doesn't want to screw up another relationship, etc. He has a history of running from you, and it seems other women as well. Until he gets counseling he won't be able to commit to a relationship with you or anyone else.

I'm sorry, because I know this hurts. I've been through the same thing - suddenly not calling, freakout over a wedding, telling me that he was thinking of proposing but instead he broke up with me. Hw was sobbing and telling me he loved me but we had to break up. Looking back, that just made it harder - like your boyfriend telling you he was thinking about moving in together. Then you focus on how much he really does care about you instead of the face that he can't commit.

His behavior doesn't make sense to you because you are approaching this relationship from a healthy, mature perspective. He isn't, and that is why it is hard to understand. That's why I recommend the book - it helped me see that this "type" of guy, no matter how much you love him, will just keep hurting you over and over again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 5:54pm

I DID read that book, Purple Shoes, on Monday night and it helped me realize that I needed to break up with him. I had no hope by the end of the book. That was what made me realize that it was over....

I know that eventually I will be ok, I need time. I am just so heartbroken.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 7:21pm

So glad you have the book - hope it helped give you some perspective on the situation. I know it hurts - unfortunately no one I know has figured out how to speed up the process. It takes time, and if you are like most people, it isn't a linear process. But it will get better. It is seven months since my breakup and I am doing so much better, although I still think about him a lot. Fortunately most of those thoughts are about what a jerk he is! :o)

It's hard to imagine that you will ever feel better when the heartbreak is so fresh, but just have faith that it WILL get better. You will feel happy again, and after some time has passed you will realize that you are much better off without his drama.

Good luck. I suggest shopping - it's excellent therapy! :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 7:43pm
You are so right....nothing I can do but wait. Life will get better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 2:30am

Obviously I am not an expert but looking from the outside in it does appear that the wedding of your boyfriend's ex may have had something to do with his behavior change. I can emphathize with you because I am currently going through a breakup myself from a 3 year relationship. Was it my choice? Yes, but only after I decided that I could not deal with the mixed signals I was getting. I broke up with my ex after three weeks had gone by and we had not seen each other. He made up excuses that he was busy, yet he had time to go to friends houses and hang out. My heart felt like something was wrong. If I didn't breakup with him first, surely he was going to do it. So I told him I wanted to breakup, it is not what I wanted but, frustrated and unhappy, I didn't know what else to do. Our relationship had been tumultous from the start but both of us found a deep love in each other none the less. We got engaged and moved in together. We just couldn't seem to find harmony. We didn't seem to understand one another and I was desperately trying to figure him out because I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. At any rate, we had broken up several times during our 3 years so when I told him I wanted to breakup he didn't fight it. He just said "okay". I was crushed. I think his distant behavior was to push me into breaking up because he didn't have it in him to do it himself. The irony? He probably didn't want to hurt me. Maybe he didn't want to be the "bad guy". It has been almost three months and I struggle everyday. I think about him constantly and believe me I have made an ass out of myself several times by trying to connect with him. I just can't let it go. He by all accounts has made it clear that he loves me but says we just didn't work out. He says he gave 110% and it just didn't work. I am trying to listen to what he is saying but it just isn't registering. I am not believing him, I am holding onto hope. In the process I have watched a strong woman turn into a pathetic worm. If I continue like this I am sure to lose all of my dignity and pride. My advise to you is to listen to your heart. I had to learn that words are not enough, that is in the actions of our partners that we must pay close attention to. I have had to learn the saying "if you love someone set them free, they will return if it is truly meant to be". I set mine free and the biggest kick in the teeth was that he didn't return. What I hope for now is for the pain to go away, to stop crying everyday, to stop thinking about him everyday, and to be happy in my own life again. None of which are going to come easy. The alternative is to ruin myself and everything around me. Love should be a two way street and when it is not, it hurts, but there is no way to make someone give to us what we truly desire. If we settle for this type of relationship then we lose a part of ourselves and are ultimately destined for failure. There must be someone better out there for you otherwise your current relationship would be flourishing or at least developing into something great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 2:50am
I wanted to respond to this message of yours as well only because your last paragraph could have been written by me. I too felt like right up until the end that my ex cared about me, that has been the hardest part in deciphering all of this. Your brain gives you the logic..."look what you have in front of you, unhappiness and a partner who is not meeting you half way, this feels wrong". Then your heart jumps in and all logic is thrown out the window. Your heart lacks reason and logic. It only knows hope and feeling. You deserve closure but be careful that you don't lose yourself along the way. Love makes us do some pretty crazy things. I personally don't recognize myself right now because of the many crazy things I have done. I have made an ass out of myself trying to win back someone who is so far ahead of me he is already done with the race and on his way home to have a beer! If you need answers then try to get him to give them to you. I tried using emails initially. When all I got for a response was "I don't know what to say" then I called him. I have to be careful because my emotions run hot and cold and I risk making myself look like a psycho everytime I contact him. Depending on how he responds to me is how I will react. Quite frankly I don't like who I have become and I am angry that another person has been able to do that to me. Coping and healing for me is about distraction; getting out and going jogging, joining a sports team, hanging out with friends...etc. Believe me it takes all my will to do any one of these things but in the end it gets me through one more day. Don't ruin yourself over someone who is not worth it. Believe that you are worth every bit of what you have to offer someone and expect it in return. The one thing I had to do was to make sure that my ex knew how much I still loved him and wanted to work things out. I did not want to leave the relationship without him knowing so at least I could not one day say "What if he didn't think I loved him" or "what if he thought I didn't want to be with him". One thing I know is that my ex knows exactly where I stand and I left it in his hands to decide what to do with it. Get your answers, get closure and then will yourself to run away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 3:36am

I read your response to the message board and I wanted to ask a question. First I'll give you a little history...I am going through a bad breakup right now, it has been over two months and I just can't seem to let go, partially because I can't make sense of why. We were engaged and were together for three years. Our relationship was tumultous from the start. I always said it was like the Westside Story. I was from the East and he was from the West. I struggled to find harmony and to understand who my partner was. We lived together rather quickly and I think we just didn't give enough time to get to know each other first. Still, through it all we connected and we both fell deeply for each other. He wrote me several poems early in our relationship that I cling to now and use as a crutch when the grief overwhelms me.

In your response you said that you your ex was sobbing, said that he loved you but couldn't be with you. I really identified with that. I contacted my ex (face to face) yesterday and he did the same thing. My question to you is why? What does that mean? Their actions (sobbing) are showing one thing and their words are saying another. I guess this is exactly why I can't let go. I can't make sense of my ex crying to me, saying he is hurting, that he loves me and then turning around and saying I just can't be with you. I keep going back to the poems and the things we shared and I say to myself this isn't possible. It doesn't add up. Is he confused or is he just trying to let me down easy? Why the tears then? He can't hurt me anymore then I already hurt so why not just say "I am not in love with you anymore". That I can make sense of and work at letting him go. I just wondered if you had any insight as to what they are actually saying when they do this because I am just not getting it and until I do I won't be able to let go and move on. I am tired of hurting, it has gone on for so long that it is becoming unhealthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 7:30am

Java...

As I have more and more experience on these message boards I am amazed by how many women are in the exact same situation that I am in. So many men send these mixed signals and it is as confusing as hell. For the rest of my life I will never have it figured out.

How can a man look at you like he loves you, is very affectionate with you and have thoughts about moving in with you one week and then just a few weeks later turn around and be distant and uncaring? Truly nothing happened. Things were great between us.....actually the best they'd been. We never had an argument or disagreement during this time period. We had much laughter, actually.

I did end up sending him another email asking for further closure. I tried calling over and over again last night but he obviously had the phone off the hook. I even left two messages on his cell. I am not one to call and call. During our relationship I tried to anticipate and respect his space and only called him about once a week. I let him call the other times. I have, also, never been one to "hound" him. But I am at a loss for his avoidance. But really when I think about he avoided talking in our relationship, so taking the phone off the hook is just another avoidance.

I'm so sorry about your pain. I truly am. I hope you start feeling better soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Sun, 10-09-2005 - 7:36am

Thanks for that insight (I am ready one post at a time here, and answering right away)....

You're right! What I was most amazed about, though, was this sentence:

"I don't know what to say" .....My God, my boyfriend said the EXACT same thing. Do you suppose they really don't know what to say or how they feel. If their feelings are constantly so ambivalent, it must be living hell. At least I know EXACTLY how I feel.

Yes, I did tell him I loved him twice in my email. It's something we never ever said to each other. But, I needed him to know. It's a shame I couldn't tell him until I broke up with him....it's sad that I knew in my heart that it would be too scary for him to hear it.

I know that I did absolutely everything I could in this relationship. I can proudly say that I have absolutely no regrets about my behavior and my love, support and concern for him. He does know that. My only feelings of revenge right now are that someday he'll realize what he lost.

'Nuff said.

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