God, this is so incredibly hard....
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 10-08-2005 - 3:30pm |
We were together from August of 2004-February of 2005 when I broke up with him ....I couldn't take his ambivalent behavior anymore. We had NC for 4 months. After that time I felt strong enough to attempt a friendship with him. We met up one evening and that was it. We were back together. We talked about the main issues and we agreed to try again. He clearly told me that he doesn't want to get married again (he was in a very bad 14 year marriage). That is ok with me. I don't necessarily feel like I need to be married to be happy with him. That was in June.
Things were great for about 2-3 months, actually better than they ever were the first 6 months. He was obviously very glad to be back together with me.....always loving, attentive, called more often. We saw each other about 3 times a week, always staying overnight everytime we're together.
Then we attended a wedding together -his ex-girlfriend's who he is still very good friends with. That's when the proverbial sh** hit the fan. I don't think it had anything really to do with seeing the ex get married. I think it was just the whole marriage thing. Let me add, that in addition to all this he has a huge deadline at work (and has them a few times a year) so he's been working long hours.
During the last 4 weeks he has
-been off and on extremely distant
-has 3 times in a row not initiated intimacy (this is very strange for him and was the first huge red flag)
-did not call on a Thursday night. We always get together on Thursday nights and have dinner together and at the very least give a call to connect and discuss our plans.
-did not call on another night that we usually get togethe and made other plans.
-has made many excuses about what is going on when I asked......don't feel well, have a headache, it's work, it's the kids....yada yada yada
Let me say that in the middle of this 4 week period he came on very strong one night (and I thought things were turning around).....he called ahead to make weekend plans and was extra affectionate and loving......only to turn around and act distant again.
Twice during this time period I came out and said....please tell me what's wrong. I can feel that something is wrong. He never had an answer for me. That just isn't good enough. Sure, everyone has a bad day from time to time, but this goes way beyond that. I am just supposed to act like nothing is happening when his ambivalence is killing me. I have been so emotional lately that I made an appt. with a counselor. Unfortunately she can't even see me until October 20.
Last night was another night that he would normally call. I purposely didn't come home and went shopping with a friend. I am not at all a game player. I am just not ready to talk to him about this. I don't even begin to know what to say.
I realize I should break up with him, but I am just not ready to do that yet. I know that when I do that I will never see him again because I couldn't take it.
I think I'm at the point that I need to be *point blank* with him. When we broke up the first time he admitted that he needed counseling but never got it.
I think I need to basically let him know that if this relationship is important to him, I need him to seriously work on this issue and if that means counseling,..........I want to tell him straight out that I can see he's running away.
He said that these issues have come up in his other relationships. Why would someone not want to get help and feel good about his relationships instead of running away all the time?

Pages
To be honest, it would be nice to know if my ex cared enough to cry. I don't think he'd ever let me see it....he's way too guarded, which is another reason why our relationship wouldn't work. How can you be THAT guarded after you've been with someone for almost a year. He was guarded in every aspect of the relationship. He avoided anything that had the relationship *connotation*. He never once bought me a gift, even on my birthday and Christmas. He gave me money....very generous, but not personal. God forbid it looked too personal. His mother lives 20 minutes away and I never met her. He avoided anything that my family invited us to. He never once told me how he felt about me until the end when he said "S, I have feelings for you." Geez, I just let these things slip by. I never built healthy boundaries with him or called him on his behavior. At the wedding (just a month) ago he introduced me everyone as his "friend". That in itself wouldn't be awful, but with everything else to consider...it was just another way to make himself feel safe.
Now that I confronted him on all this, he can't take it, can't answer my phone calls.....and has to be accountable, so he opened up a tiny bit. Blah.....I wish I could just go far away and erase him from memory. Wouldn't that be a great ability...to just wipe certain people from our memories. We'd all be a hell of a lot happier.
I suggest you read the same book I recommended to the original poster - "He's Scared, She's Scared." From what you have said, I think you will get a lot of the understanding you need from this book. I believe in his own way my ex really did love me, but his fear of commitment was stronger than his love. And unless people like this get help, it always will be.
Nothing makes sense to those on the receiving end of this type of behavior, because its not logical. Often these guys come on strong and fast, and in the beginning they are the best boyfriends we have ever had - attentive, considerate, charming. Unfortunately, when things get too close they start to panic and have to run. Most of them don't even realize what they are doing. They think the panic they are feeling means that something in the relationship is wrong.
My ex did this the first time - made up all these stupid reasons why it wouldn't work that didn't make any sense. We got back together, and everything was wonderful, and he freaked out again. This time he admitted there was absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship, that he loved me, but something in his gut told him it wasn't right. I was so confused, hurt, heartbroken. After the first breakup, I thought he was just scared and that he would miss me and come back. And he did, but it didn't last because he hasn't addressed his issues, and he probably never will.
I wish I had read the book after the first breakup, but I didn't find in until round 2 ended. Please read this book - I guarantee it will give you a better perspective on what happened, and hopefully prevent you from getting into another relationship like this. I know its hard, and 7 months later its still hard for me sometimes, but I now know I am better off without him. You are better off without this kind of drama in your life, and in time you will see that. In the meantime, please take care of yourself and accept the fact that your ex is not good for you.
Please let me know how you are doing.
His phone is still off the hook since yesterday at 3:00 in the afternoon. I'm worried about him. I rarely call him and our call yesterday was from him to me. I had to hang up because I was crying...then he took the phone off the hook.
Is he simply retreating or is he really upset. There's no way to contact him. Part of me is very angry that he doesn't care how I am. He's just thinking of himself. Another part of me understands....:(
Yes, he is just thinking about himself. I doesn't matter whether he is retreating or upset - you cannot worry about him anymore. Please don't fall into the "I'm worried about him" trap, which leads to "I must get ahold of him to make sure he's okay." I'm sure he's fine. You, however, aren't. Try as hard as you can to summon all your willpower and leave him alone. Go out with friends, shop, eat a pizza - whatever it takes to keep your hands off the phone.
You won't begin to get over him as long as you are still talking to him, emailing him, etc. I know that is hard to believe when all you want to do is contact him, but it really is true. The "closure" that you are seeking will never come from him - it has to come from you.
But how can you suddenly just stop loving someone.....of course, I'm worried and I do need closure. I realize that nothing he say will make it easy and besides that he is so confused himself, he isn't even making sense when I talk to him
But I am really worried. And, I can't believe he would go to this extent to avoid me. It's not like I ever chased him. On the contrary, I was always very careful to give him his space. I guess this is what happens when his space is invaded. God help the next woman he gets involved with.
Thank you for the kind words, the irony in all of this is that you are complete stranger and yet you feel sorry for me that I am hurting and yet the person I shared three years with could care less.
Be careful not to lose yourself in all the pain. Understand that our emotions run the highest at night and try to distract yourself if you start feeling like you want to contact him. I understand how you feel when you say that you are not this type of person. I have already done some things that I am not proud of and that I didn't think I had in me. I keep calling and everytime I do it is humiliating. Worse is that there is nothing more unattractive then someone who shows their weaknesses over and over again. I wish there was a magic word I could say that would make all of the pain go away and deep down I think I search through all the posts to see if there might be one hidden. Letting go of all the memories and re-defining what you have in front of you is very hard to do. Immediately before your breakup you had someone who cared about whether you were happy or sad, who wanted to be with you and who loved you. The second after you breakup all of that is gone...poof...just like that. All the years you spent building something is gone in the blink of an eye. Everything that takes work is like that. Anything that takes effort to build can be destroyed in the blink of an eye, relationships are no different.
I worry that you haven't reached the bottom and that you are at risk of losing your pride. The best defense we have to is to look strong and look like this isn't phasing us because like I said when we start to look weak, we start to look pathetic and that is not an attractive quality. All that will do is turn our ex's off even more. As hard as it is, believe me because I am right there with you, we have to find some way to pull ourselves up and that means not letting them see us hurting. It has been over two months that we broke up and you would think that by now I would be almost in the clear. Some days are better then others, but if someone tells me a story about how some couple they knew broke up and got back together after six months then I immediately hold out hope that maybe that will happen to me to. It is crazy and it is unfair but in the game of relationships there is always one person who does all the hurting and the other runs off into the sunset (or so it seems). Worse is if they are able to start seeing someone right away, then we are left picking up the pieces wondering how someone could express such deep emotions for us and then turn it off like a switch. Someone once told me not to keep saying that how he felt about me wasn't real, they said he probably did feel all those things at the time but doesn't anymore. I guess we can fall out of love with someone for various reasons. I know I have loved someone before (not like this) but after things kept going wrong I did end up gradually falling out of love and I am sure he was sitting there wondering just like we are how I could have done that. When I turn it around like that it starts to make sense. It doesn't make me feel better because this only makes me realize that I pushed him out of love with me and what could I have done differently to have stopped it.
Bottom line, I think, is if it is going to work it will work. If someone wants to be with you as much as you with them then it won't be this hard.
I hope you start feeling better as well. Sadly the only prescription for this kind of pain is 'time' and it doesn't go by near fast enough when we want it to.
You're right. I know someday, maybe even already, he'll realized what he has lost. I was nothing but wonderful to him. I was always supportive, caring and did little things to show him I cared....things he didn't even acknowledge. I guess it was scary.
The fact that his phone is STILL off the hook really hurts me. It means that, again, he is protecting himself and cares very little about how I'm doing. I had never cried in front of him before and crying on the phone yesterday was too much I guess. He couldn't handle it. He feels really guilty about ruining the relationship. He as much said so. He said "I'm afraid to get in another relationship. I'm afraid I'll wreck another relationship" Well, a big consolation that is for me now.
"Immediately before your breakup you had someone who cared about whether you were happy or sad, who wanted to be with you and who loved you. The second after you breakup all of that is gone...poof...just like that."
This is so true...I couldn't even imagine loving someone one minute and then getting so scared that I had to run the next....and THEN breaking up with them because of it and not even accepting their phone calls....very bizarre.
I'm not sure if I shared this, but someone told me:
You can't understand this because you're looking at the relationship from a healthy viewpoint. Your boyfriend is not.
So true.
Pages