going on a "break" how do I do this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
going on a "break" how do I do this??
9
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 11:39am

This past weekend my bf (exbf?) of 2 years and I talked things over and I suggested we go on a break. At first he didnt even want to consider a break, he wanted to break it off for good. I was in tears, we were having lunch at a fast food place, and I just sat there in tears and tried not to look him in the eye. :( I know he was hurting too, I didnt understand why he didnt want to try and make it work. He always talked about being together in the future, I felt so secure with him. I felt like we were meant to be.

The main 2 problems why we broke up, are the following.
1. I was too jealous and over-reacting to a lot of things in his life, him hanging out with friends that are girls or talking to them on the phone, etc. He told me a long time ago he has a few friends that are girls and he has no interest in anyone else. He gave me no reason to believe he was cheating, i was a jealous girlfriend, thats all.
2. Currently he is living at home with the parents with no job, so I feel that he is irresponsible and I get aggravated that I am working all day and he is doing nothing. He was TOO available for me and I became too dependent on him. I realize this now, I was too dependent and jealous if he wasnt with me, this was our downfall.

However, despite the breakup this weekend I still believe deeply that we were meant to be. My parents loved him, my friends loved him and I still love him very much. Even after 2 years of being together, my heart still does a lil flip when he walks into the room. I don't want that to go away, I know he was someone for me.

Now when he walked me to my car and I eventually stopped crying, he gave me a hug and kissed my head and said "everythings going to be alright, dont worry." Then he suggested maybe in a week or two we can get dinner and see how everything is. What does this mean? Does he still want to be with me or is he trying to gradually break away from ,me? I have never gone on a "break" before with a boyfriend. It's always been a break - up, this is the end. I believe in my heart, that he still wants to be with me. He called me last night, but I did not answer the phone. I think it's too soon to talk.

I really really want to get back together with him, but I know we need our space right now. I don't want to be immature about the whole thing and ignore every phone call, he might not bother with me then. Has anyone else ever been on a break before? and if so, how long was the break?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 11:54am
I've not ever gone on a break, but I would really define what the break means to both of you. If he's calling you, you need to determine whether or not that should be taking place. If you are going to take a break for 2 weeks than have dinner, that should mean take a break for 2 weeks and don't talk. Also decide if on your break you are allowed to see other people. Breaks mean different things to different people, remember Ross and Rachel. You don't want to think that you are just slowing down but are committed when he thinks that the committment ended too.
After you define what your boundaries are, stick to them. Don't sway. He wants time, give him time. You want space, you get space. Than reconvene and see where you are.
Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 4:17pm
Actually, I just got over a "break", and things are okay now. We had an argument that got blown out of proportion to the point where neither of us was willing to compromise. He said he needed some time to deal with school/work related stress, and I agreed to give him a week (that was the time that he chose). I didn't call him or contact him at all during that week, and we saw each other for the first time last night and he was very grateful for the time that I gave him. Now, you might want to take more time to work on the jealosy issues and to think about whether you want to be with someone who doesn't meet your career expectations, but I agree that you should talk to him one more time to clarify what the break means.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 4:57pm
Well I have to say that I am having similar problems. I am 20, my (ex) Bf is 22.Me and my (ex)boyfriend of 1yr and a half, have just broken up. One reason was because I was also jealous. He goes out to clubs every weekend and I felt neglected. He also has alot of female friends, but doesn't bother me as much as him becoming a club hopper. He told me that I ask too many questions. I thought that"s what girlfriends do. They were reasonable, such as, "What did you do today? Where did you go"? Stuff like that, c'mon he asks me the same things. Thats why I started to feel like he was guilty about something.
So last week(or the week before..it was on Easter) when he goes out to a club on my birthday and the car show(instead of being with me), I blow up on him and curse him out, calling him all types of names(via text message). After that, he calls me and I hang up on him and turn my phone off for the night. I was really upset. The next day he calls me and tells me that he's really aggravated with me and I hurt him by calling him names and turning my phone off. He says that he needs time to think about whether he wants to be with me or not. I give him a day or two to think. He still doesn't have an answer, he says that he loves me but he's tired of being stressed everyday and we can't ever have a straight conversation without arguments.To make a long story short, the next day he tells me that we wants to be "friends" because he needs "time to himself". I told him that I thought we had a future together, because we also had plans for our future together. He insisted that we still have a future together and he's not looking for anyone else right now. I was hurt because I've always been there for him. I'm his first girlfriend, according to his mom. In the past he's had committment issues, I was thinking maybe he can't really handle a relationship. Or was I really stressing him out that much for him not to want to be with me? But he calls me last night(2 days later) asking me how my weekend was and what I did, and all these other questions. I didn't know what that was about, I thought he needed time to himself, why is he calling me so soon. But my real questions are : Do you guys think that I caused the breakup or he overreacted to common relationship problems that could've been worked out? and... If he asks to get back together should I go for it or just end it here?Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 5:19pm

Going back to my original post, I have been thinking hardcore after reading everyone's responses to various jealousy issues, and I think the problem is generally, you either trust your bf or you don't. Yes you are allowed to ask them how their day was, i always ended up asking my bf how his day was and who he was with, etc. he does the same to me. Its like talking to ur best friend, you dont need to know every detail but its nice to know how they spend their time.

I think my jealousy issues were more focusing on the relationships he had with other females and why he was hanging out with them and bonding when im not around. I felt kinda betrayed, I know he wasnt cheating on me, every single one of his friends told me hes a good guy, but still its the GIRLS i didnt trust. You dont want your bf hanging out with girls who are flirty and have no bfs, it just seems like they would hit on your own bf. I dont think my bf would have appreciated me hanging out with all single guys when hes not around.

Basically, between yesterday and today I realize I need to change, and he needs to change. If he talks to me this week and wants to try and stay together, I'm going to still keep my distance. I've never done a break before...I trust that he will not be seeing anyone behind my back, and if he does, well then hes not the guy I thought he was. At this point I'm willing to change for the better, not for him, for myself, for all future relationships. I just realized if i ever get into another relationship, i wouldnt want a guy getting all fussy over me hanging out with guys from work. that would be awful. Now i realize the crime ive done, I just hope my bf realizes how much I want him back. :/

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 5:51pm
I totally agree with you. I know that I need to change. I told him that I realized my mistake and apologized alot. But he said it's probably gonna happen again. I told him that it won't. Deep down inside I'm jealous of his best(girl)friend whom he calls his sister. They go everywhere together, to the gym,the eyebrow salon..etc. She has single friends too, and I do worry about them too. Because I would never know what goes on between them. His best friend tells me that she has my back. She's not my friend, she's his and she will be loyal to him before me. But I do see your logic. I guess I didn't trust him. He trusted me.Can I ever learn? I will work on it so that if it's too late for him I will have a chance with someone else in the future. Although I do want him back. I love him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 8:31am
Hiya, I know exactly what you are going through. My exe and I went through a break before things ended. Im not saying your relationship will end too, because of it. Thats just how mine worked out. I think you are being very mature about the idea of a break. When he and I went on our break, I went through a rollercoaster of emotions. Rejection, Anger, Obsession, contemplation... It was crazy. I was even the one who initially suggested it. It is a very trying time. But as the break went on, I started thinking more about what I wanted and what the relationship was doing for me. In the end, even though we tried for a few weeks after the break to make it work, we both realized that it just wasn't right. So take this time to really evaluate the relationship and what you want. Is it giving you waht you need? You really need to focus on why "jealousy is rearing its ugly head". Has he given you a reason not to trust him? Jealousy is an ugly, ugly emotion, which most of us can't escape. I never had a jealous bone in my body until love came into the picture. It took all my willpower not to give him the 3rd degree on who the girl was on his myspace. Even now, I still get angry just thinking about him being with someone else. I KNOW he isn't seeing anyone because he is moving in three weeks, but I can't help think that he is. Does it matter? No... he and I aren't together. Continue to take this break for yourself. Work out the things you need to work out and build from there. I hated that it took me so long to do this when I was on a break. Focus on you right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 9:11am

It definitely helps getting out some of my feelings on the board here, as sometimes my friends can be too critical. They are not going through the same thing, they don't know how I feel about my boyfriend. Honestly, I wasn't just dating him for the hell of it, I wasn't looking for love and I happened to meet him 2 years ago. We both found someone wonderful.

Yea, I do realize now that I must take this time to think about myself, but I still can't picture being without him. I want to call him and tell him about my day, I want him to call me and joke around while I'm stressed at work. I'm so scared that he will never want me again, you know the line "if it's meant to be..." he said that to me, and kept saying "don't worry, it will be Ok." I don't know what he means, if he means I will be OK, or if he's trying to tell me he still wants to be with me, just not right now. I don't want that false hope, but then again I don't want things to end abruptly. What to do, what to do.

I am also worried about him seeing another girl during this break time, like the Ross and Rachel moment on Friends, you know taking a break means a break. We're not together but yet we're not totally done. I don't plan on calling him, but I am giving myself the belief that he will call me, and want me back. I want to believe in myself, and believe that I am a fabulous woman and he should want to be with me. And if he doesn't? I don't know, I will be more sad than I am right now. My emotions are all over the place too, I'm fine for a few hours, then all of a sudden I'll b e thinking about him and wonder what he's doing, why can't we just be together. It's awful. I don't want to be without him. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2007
Tue, 04-24-2007 - 2:28pm
I went on a "break" for a month with my boyfriend before we broke up and I did it to prolong the inevitable break up that I knew was coming and also to get a head start on adjusting to life as a single woman. However, my friend and her bf went on a break once and it was because they couldn't spend much time together and wanted to experience what it would be like if they broke up and were to NEVER see each other. The break only made them realize how much the loved/missed each other and have been happily dating ever since. You and your boyfriend need to let the other know their definition of a "break" is because as illustrated by what I just told you, it can mean completely different things. By knowing what the other thinks going on a break entails, I think you can figure out how long it should be and even if it should ever end. Hope this helps :) Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 5:37pm

Welcome to the board guessgirl21,


You might want to read this:


When he asks for space (aka, "a break")