going crazy
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| Wed, 03-29-2006 - 1:42pm |
Okay this is kinda weird but I just have to get it off my chest.
My exbf and I brokeup 12 days ago. I've been going through hell. I know it's for the best, he's a total mommas boy, doesn't have a job, etc. but we do have genuine love that is truly amazing. He really is such a wonderful person.
Anyway, I don't like how I've been acting since this happened. I have so much turmoil and pain in me that I've been acting so unlike myself. I really don't like myself right now. I talk to all my friends about how hurt I am, and I keep telling them mean things about my ex, and I'm not a mean person. I know the answer is to just stop but I keep doing it and all it does it make me feel worse.
I feel especially bad about last night. A friend came over and we were drinking and talking and my phone rang. It was the only friend I have that knows my ex. So she was telling me all this stuff and I kept talking to her totally ignoring the friend who was over. She finally got up and left and I said that i was very sorry. She didn't seem mad but I knew she must be. It was so rude of me. About an hour later I called her cell and left a message apologizing again.
I know this all sound nuts, and that's how I feel totally lost and going crazy. My stomach is constantly in knots, my head has a million thoughts racing at a time. I really don't like the person I'm acting like.
Any thoughts?

Carrie
You are going through a phase that we all go through with a breakup. If you have friends that understand that you don't mean to take it out of them, then fine but you have to be careful that you don't isolate the friends who are there for you. You may burn more bridges that you can't repair. You don't want to turn around every second and apologize for being mean and angry. The breakup hurts but you have to stay positive for yourself. Try to picture you ex, laughing, hanging out and meeting girls while you stay at home and dream about him and isolate the people that actually care to be around you. I do it occasionally, picture him enjoying life while pitiful me sit around going crazy about him and it helps me to think twice at times. Even though the pain is still real. Maybe you can take a break from everyone and completely break down about it, let it all out and see if that makes you feel better. Everyone has their own way, but for some this works. Just trying to help...hope you feel better soon. We are all here for you. I love this message board.
Thank you. I will definately try that.
I've just never felt so awful about everything I do. I'm over analyzing everything. I also know that I do hope for us to someday be back together, but everyone I know would hate me if I ever did that and I feel so bad for all the terrible things I'm saying. I think subconsciously I'm doing this so that we can't get back together, sabotage.
I'm driving myself so insane that I'm vomiting everyday. I'm so exhausted but I can't sleep.
I'm usually an extremely strong person. But now I am so weak.
It's very difficult because I have no answers, it went from a normal day, saying i love you, he even made a point to say we'd get through everything together. That was the last time we saw each other. I have no closure. I miss him so much.
If you are vomiting and can't sleep at all, maybe you should seek some professional help from a doctor and/or a therapist. I also experienced nausea for weeks and I haven't really slept well in several months.
You might also talk to one close friend or family member and ask their assistance through this very rough time. Having just one person to check on you during the day is comforting and you don't feel like you are wearing out all your friends. Maybe you can promise something in return for their help later when you feel better. A break-up buddy can be a life saver.
If you like to read, you might get a lot of comfort and some pointers from break-up books. There are a lot of them to choose from. Looking up just one on Amazon.com will bring up a whole list of them. They have helped me more than I can say.
Hang in there. Like childbirth, this is one of the worst pains you will ever feel, but you will get through it and have a new you at the end. I promise!