Going crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Going crazy
2
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 4:40pm

I just recently came out of a 6 year relationship. My boyfriend broke it off with me 2 weeks before Christmas. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do and most of the time I didn't think I would make it to tomorrow. The pain and hurt were unbearable. But I came to the conclusion that I had to get over this. I can't let him keep me from moving on with my life. He has already moved on with his. I haven't heard from him since he broke it off. Not even a Christmas wish. I have been so temped to call him but have resisted. I have driven by his house several times already just to see if he already had someone else. Afterwards I always felt bad and psychotic in a way. I still go through periods of anxiety and despair. Lately though I have felt anger towards him. Angry that he left me, angry that it has been easy for him to move on, angry he hasn't made contact, angry for so many other things about the breakup. A couple of days ago I was able to bring myself to delete all his numbers from my cell, delete all his emails, and put away all the pictures I had of him. I am not sure if I am rushing this too much. It has only been a little over 3 weeks but I feels as if I need to do all I can to make it easier for me to move on. I realize that everyone heals differently. I just want to be sure that I heal properly instead of just blocking it out and moving on too quickly because it is too painful to deal with. Any thoughts ladies?

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: newlifeahead
Wed, 12-29-2004 - 10:38pm

First of all...congratulations on resisting the temptation to call him. I know all too well how difficult that alone can be. I recently ended my relationship of 6 years back in the middle of October. I have run through the gamit of every emotion possible. I think you're right..we all heal differently..but I do believe the basic emotions are all the same, it's the timing and the intensity of those emotions that is different for everyone.

Anger is such a fantastic boost in the healing process....but only if you act out that anger in healthy ways, ie: screaming in an empty house or in your car, punching your pillows or going to the gym and "killing" the punching bag. However, 3 weeks since your breakup in comparison to 6 years in your relationship is really not a long time, and I would suggest to you that some of the anxiety and despair may creep back into your processes. Just because you're angry right now, doesn't necessarily mean that anger is the final healing stage. It's empowering to be angry so use it to it's upmost advantage. But if or when the day comes again when you feel that despair or anxiety is upon you again, just remember that it's all part of the process. Don't try to fight it, don't try to move on too quickly in order to block out the pain..you'll only regret it in the end. Only you can know where you are at in your healing process and only you can determine if you are only trying to cover the pain or if you are sincerely dealing with it and reclaiming your self again.

Deleting his emails, contact numbers and taking all of the pictures down is an EXCELLENT coping skill. That was one of the first things I did as well. I couldn't stand to walk into my house and see all of the reminders...so I bought new furniture, painted the walls, bought new artwork and put pictures of all the "other" important people in my life in the places where the "old" photos used to be. I wanted my house to be my house again...not some permanent reminder of what used to be. And after I did all of that, I almost felt guilty...like I was trying to "forget" the last 6 years, or just automatically make them go away and pretend they didn't mean anything. Then I realized that when we make these kinds of changes, it suggests that we at least know we want to move on and make our lives better and different than they have been during the course of our relationship. It suggests that somewhere inside us we fundamentally know that eventually we will come out of this better and smarter and more aware of everything around us. It doesn't mean we will forget or that we necessarily regret the relationship, but some of these "little" things we do to get through the days and weeks are amazing to look back on when we're feeling a little more level headed and see that even in those darkest days, there was something inside us that kept us moving forward, even though we couldn't see it at the time.

I wish you luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
In reply to: newlifeahead
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 9:40am
Thank you so much for the advice. You have made some wonderful points. I am allowing myself to fell all the emotions that have come up from this breakup. I do feel that everyday does get a little better. Work has helped a great deal as I am no afforded time during the day to dwell over him and the breakup. Nights and weekends have been the hardest because they used to be spent with him. Now I have all this free time and I guess I don't know what to do with it. I don't feel like going out to bars or crowded spaces. I have been spending a lot more time with family and friends that I didn't get to spend much time with during my relationship. I am a firm believer in the fact that things happen for a reason. I trust that the Lord has in store what is best for me. My father just recently passed away (a month and a half ago) and my mother is now all alone except for me. I feel as if this was the Lord's way of telling me that I need to be there for her. While I was in my relationship, I wasn't the best daughter or friend because all my time was wrapped up with my boyfriend. Now I have an opportunity to reconnect with family and friends that you did not keep in touch with, to build upon the relationships you currently have, and to make new friends. It is also an opportunity to find my own identity again. I think I lost it along the way some time ago. There is always that last strand of hope in my heart that says we will find our way back to each other but my mind tells me differently. My friends always remind me to “Live on Faith – not Hope.” I think that will be the biggest thing to help me get through this hard time in my life. Thanks again for your reply.