Going crazy again

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Going crazy again
7
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 11:03am
Hi everyone -- I haven't written in over a month because I've been feeling fine, for the most part, during that period of time. Until now. Blame it on bad PMS or the reasons I'm about to explain to you -- but whatever it is made me cry all the way into work today. I broke up with my ex of a year on February 3. I ended things because he was depressed and withdrawn and couldn't really handle a relationship (it was a midlife crisis-type thing). He didn't really fight for me when we broke up, which made the decision a lot easier for me at the time. Well, he emailed me after a month of "no contact" in the beginning of March and asked me to have dinner with him. Mind you, he didn't really do anything wrong aside from walking away from the relationship. When I got the dinner invitation, I figured that it was still too soon to be friends or try to work things out because nothing would've changed in a month's time. I wanted to give him, and myself, more time to learn and grow from the relationship and the subsequent break up. So, I turned down the dinner invitation and said, "you may try to email me in a few weeks and perhaps I'll change my mind about dinner then...." He said he would get back to me in a few weeks; he's been out of sight and (somewhat) out of mind since that email. Receiving that message from him was the ideal situation for me because I knew I that I'd retained the upper hand since he contacted me first. In the back of my mind, I figured I'd definitely be hearing from him down the road. So I moved on. During out time apart, I did, indeed, learn and grow and I'm truly happy with my life without him. But for the past couple of days I've gotten a horrible sinking feeling -- a few weeks have passed and he has not contacted me. I wonder if -- 1) I'll hear from him again 2) I wonder why I haven't heard from him yet and what could possibly be delaying his contact 3) I also wonder what I'll say if/when I do hear from him (but I don't indulge this thought process too much because I may never hear from him ). 4) and is a few weeks considered three weeks? four? five, perhaps? sighhhhh.
So, my mind goes in these vicious little cycles and I think that, overall, I was delaying some of my getting over him and letting go by saying "maybe I'll talk to you in a few weeks." I suppose that I can't just walk away from a very intense year-long relationship without having ups and downs with my emotions. I suddenly feel almost bad as I did when we first broke up. I worry about why he hasn't reached out to me. If I don't hear from him, I'll have to get over this feeling bit by bit -- like I did the first time. I know that contacting him is not the right thing to do b/c I don't want to get back together right now. I just hate feeling that unknown.. and seeing that empty email inbox. Thanks for letting me share.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 12:55pm

catalpa,

i know exactly how you feel...

although my situation with my ex at the present moment is slightly different (read my other posts to see!) but this is actually the second time my ex and i have broken up. the first time was last may, and honestly - i was a WRRREECCCCCKKKKK. i had remained friends with him for a few months post-breakup until i just couldnt take anymore, and forcefully enforced NC. it was horrible though cause even though i knew that i had to stop having contact with him, and even though it was me who said: "dont contact me anymore," - the fact that he actually stopped - drove me absolutely nuts!!! and i would count down the days and the minutes and constantly check my messages and email and just keep hoping that he'd break NC even though i was the one who told him to get away...so, i felt saddened by the fact that he wasnt reaching out to me, mad at the situation, confused, eager, .. just everything possible - it was an emotional mess..

i cant really tell you what your ex is up to and if he plans to contact you again, etc etc... no one will know except him (and even then, maybe he doesnt even know??) ... but here is my two cents on your situation...

you probably felt ok these last few weeks because you felt like you had "control" of the situation. knowing that you have the "upper hand" is, as silly as it may be, a great number for pain. thats why its almost always easier to walk away from someone than to be the walkee. its comforting to know that the situation is at your choice and command - and even though it hurts, it makes the pain a little that much more easier to handle.

furthermore, i think youre definately clinging onto hope... and like being in control, hope numbs the pain as well. it keeps us afloat... it keeps the situation a little less painful when there could be or may be or possibly be a better ending.

so, when he hasnt gotten in touch with you - youve suddenly not only lost the upper hand in the situation, but - the expectation that he was going to reach out to you is suddenly starting to weaken. and thats probably why youre going "crazy" now ..

i dont know what to tell you to make you feel better...if i knew, id probably tell myself the same thing :( ... common sense would dictate for me to tell you that if hes not gonna really fight hard to be with you, then he's not someone you should fight being with either. common sense would dictate for me to tell you that hes not ready for the relationship you want, and may never be - and youre best finding someone else who is. common sense would dictate for me to tell you that he probably just reached out to you a couple weeks ago because he felt lonely then and may never again because he got passed that hump. i could also keep telling you that it'll get better, that youre doing the right thing, and great job for doing a lot of self reflecting and impovement.

but, i know how it feels - and its hard to have all that be told to you. and even if it makes sense, at this moment - it all sounds useless for the pain and crazyness that we feel...

i hope youre feeling better,
hugs -
eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 1:30pm

This might help you understand why he hasn't called/e-mailed. It seems as though you were the one to call off the relationship.

My case was the same as my ex-fiance broke up with me and we went through the same stages you described, but I learned something valuable during the time of no contact. I learned that if she was the one that was meant to be my wife she would not have cancelled our wedding. It was at that point I began moving on with my life and seeing how useless it would be to contact her.

If she wanted me around she wouldn't have broken up with me. Why would I want to call her? She made the decision to leave, not me. This Saturday was to be our wedding day. Contacting her would do nothing but bring me down. I've got to move on with my life, not go backwards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 2:57pm
hi eeksj -- you're right -- for me, it's all about having control and "going crazy" is really synonymous for not having control. i wish i could go back and reply, "take care" or "i wish you the best in the future..." or something more conclusive rather than leaving the door open for further contact. i'm not holding out hope for reconciliation because we really aren't meant to be. my real "hope" is to finally find the one who's right for me. thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 3:00pm

Hi

I second eddie on this one. Why would you want to talk to someone who broke your heart by walking away and telling you to never contact them again? Especially if they told you to maybe call them sometime. That does not mean anything, yeah maybe sometime I will call you or not, and he is doing exactly what you asked him to do. No fixed date for contact and he has no reason to hang around. He may want to be with you, but you just declined to have dinner with him and told him yeah maybe you can call me sometime. This is a cop out and he knows it. He knows that if you want to hear from him, you will call him. And he will not call you to get shot down again.

Your ex stays away b/c he knows he will get hurt if he talks to you by what you say to him and he is afraid like hell that he will get hurt again. Even if he is not afraid that he may hear something hurtful from you, memories will for sure return to him of things that he was forced to forget whether he liked it or not. He had to move on b/c you left.

You were able to take your time and prepare and make a decision, and have the control, b/c it was your decision. He may have not have seen it coming, or maybe he did but he cared about you and he wanted to work things out, but since you decided to leave he assumed there was no hope anymore. He had no choice, you made your decision and he is trying to survive without you although he may miss you and possibly want you back, b/c maybe he never wanted to break up in the first place. He didn’t fight for you when you were leaving, b/c he may have come to the conclusion that you made up your mind and nothing he would say would make you change it. This does not mean he didn’t care about the fact you chose to leave.

Now he is making a self-preserving choice of staying away from someone who hurt him, which is smart on his part. Why jump back into the fire when you already got burned? No need. The ball is still in your court by the way, and he knows it b/c, as you are the one who broke things off, you are the only one that can ask him to get back together, if you want to. Then it will be up to him if he wants to take a chance again or not.

I hope this helps to see the situation from a different maybe not as colorful angle, but nevertheless just my 2 cents. I don’t know your ex bf, but these are suggestions as to why he may not be contacting you. Besides, you told him to talk to you in a few weeks, yeah…maybe, sure, which he took as it was meant to be at least for now: I am not interested, move on buddy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 4:12pm
Hi to you and Eddie --
I apologize for not explaining our break up circumstances better. I'd posted a while back but I don't expect anyone to remember, so here's a quick refresher: I broke up with him, yes... but it was after months of sticking by his side and being blown off night after night while he was depressed (a legitimate reason) and in HIS words: he was "totally" not able to "come through or cope" with our relationship in the end. I'd encouraged him to get counseling; I even went with him to therapy and waited out many, many nights of his withdrawal and moodiness. We talked about eventual marriage and I made sure that I loved him no matter what. After yet another night together, he basically said he didn't know if he wanted to be together. I broke up with him as a last resort -- as a catalyst to help him get his life back together. I'm not sure if his life is back together and he plans to contact me in the future or if things have fallen apart further for him. I'm hoping that he's doing better and that we'll both find happiness down the road. I don't think that being with someone whose life is not together is the best thing for me. I know this may sound selfish, but I was hurt badly and affected very strongly by this ongoing despair -- because I did (and do, still) love him. He was really pushing me away hard and it finally worked. Now that I've cleared things up, hopefully - any further insight? Thanks again...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Tue, 04-05-2005 - 4:20pm
sorry--i sent that too soon without proof-reading. it should say after yet another "lousy" or "terrible" or "depressing" night together. pick an adjective -- make it a negative one. that described our nights as a couple in the end. sorry for the garbled message. this stuff is tough to get out in a clear, concise manner... especially when it tears at you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 04-06-2005 - 8:47am
I too feel a little "crazy". I agree that advice you were given was excellent. Each day is like potluck - I have no idea how I am going to feel from moment to moment. I think that I'm over him and that I'm starting to heel and get stronger, then bam.... I feel like crying again and wonder to myself why it ended. I also loose my sense of control. That's scary to me. Thanks for your story. I don't feel as alone.