going crazy here, feeling sad, panicking

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
going crazy here, feeling sad, panicking
11
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 12:35pm

i dont know why, but these last few days have been particularly hard for me ... i havent been breaking down and bawling or anything - but there seems to be this constant bothered feeling in my chest, coupled by endless thoughts of him...

im sad right now. very sad.

i feel like he's living his life all happy and go-lucky and doesnt even notice me gone. i feel like he's having the time of his life and doesnt care that im not there. i feel down thinking that he's happy without me...

i have him deleted on my msn list - i figured, i dont want to sit there on edge and see if hes online and whats his name says, etc. but, like a stupid fool - i keep readding him back on out of curiosity... the whole weekend, he hasnt been online and today, his msn name is this weird thing and i have no idea what it means but it seems to indicate some sorta joke he has going on with someone else... it makes me ill... curiosity really does kill the cat :(

i feel panicky - as though im on the verge of just having to call him and cry. i feel like i want to drive myself over to his place and beg for him to change his mind. i feel like breaking down and just messaging him.

ugh. i feel like crap.

a sad -
eeksj

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 12:55pm

The only way out is through...if you keep adding him back to your list on MSN, you're not going to be able to move on. Same (only worse) if you contact him.

I know how painful the process is, but if you don't keep going with no contact, you'll just be in this painful place longer. And let's say you do contact him and he's all happy (or worse, mean or cold to you)...how are you going to feel then?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 1:01pm

i know, i know... :(

ive been here before - last year when we broke up the first time - and ive even dished out the same advice and eventually found myself in a much better state... but still, im feeling this NOW and even though i know the only way out is through - THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

honestly, i just miss him SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much. we did EVERYTHING together. so everywhere i go, there is a reminder of him... and even when im not reminded of him, my mind suddenly pops up a memory for me to sob over :( and honestly, there isnt even anything "bad" for me to pinpoint on him to hate - thats the worse part!

how is he okay?? how are we broken up?? i didnt imagine our relationship and i most certainly did not create his feelings for me in my head ... so how does he just let go? how does he just move on? I DONT GET IT!

ugh, feeling sad :(
eekjs

Avatar for deneeecie
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 1:09pm

The one thing I must caution you about

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2005
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 7:53pm

hang in there eeks.

"i feel like he's living his life all happy and go-lucky and doesnt even notice me gone. i feel like he's having the time of his life and doesnt care that im not there. i feel down thinking that he's happy without me... "
YES. Exactly. I'm tired of the pain. I'm tired of the fact that he and I can't be friends right now. I'm tired and I want my life back. I want the fact that we can't be together to not be an obstacle anymore and I JUST WANT my friend back. Fine, he doesn't want me like that anymore? FINE. Someone else will when I'm ready for it. And I am mad that people can't treat nice people like you and me like decent people with feelings. (I refer to the exes here) Sound familiar, eeks? :) Big hugs to you.

Here's something a guy friend told me this weekend. I say "conventional womenwisdom says if you don't call then they'll miss you and come back" and "oh I feel so awfully empowered knowing I haven't called, see I even made a list of reasons not to call". He says "conventional guywisdom says if I don't do anything then she'll try harder". After ranting how that is such crap and why can't people just be straight with their feelings and each other I stopped cause I was out of air and tired. Then he says to me, "so how's that working out for you?"

And then I realized it wasn't working out at all, really. I think I spend more time dwelling on it than if he was just around occasionally sticking little knives in my heart, which I can PULL OUT and put a bandage on and get over. Or maybe I just need to work up the nerve to tell him flat out I'm really annoyed so I know where I stand in his head and can stop wondering and start living.

er didn't mean to rant all over your thread...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 04-25-2005 - 9:53pm
I know this is hard but you've gotten through it before and you *WILL* get through this again!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 9:55am

I keep coming to this board reading(and printing out) messages over and over, hoping that I can feel better about my situation. I feel like I am out of my mind. I feel like I can't breathe. I can't even enjoy being with friends right now. Why is this so hard? Why does my ex get to monopolize so much of my time(in my head)? I try so hard to stop thinking and distarct myself but it is hard.

I, like eeksj, have all these thoughts about him moving on and not caring and forgetting about me and it makes me panic. The thing is, I know I am a good person but I just don't feel that way right now.

Just needed to vent.

Hoping to feel better sometime soon- Nugirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 11:56am

Hi eeksj, nugirl15 and everyone...

Today I am 100% with this board: I am currently “going crazy, feeling sad, and panicking.” It really does come in waves for me. I'll be good for a few days and then my mood will plummet when the overload of thoughts of my Ex return. Last weekend was great because I went out and met tons of guys and got a major ego boost. Actually, most weekends since my break-up have been fun b/c my friends and family have been so supportive and I've been throwing myself back into life with new-found enthusiasm and fervor. I've been told that I've never looked better or seemed happier. But, it sometimes feels like I'm living a lie. My life, for the most part, is wonderful and I feel this happiness inside. That is, until I think of my Ex…and then I start to freak out. Suddenly, something will remind me of him, then tears will well up and I'll want to run out of the room. I guess this is the run-of-the-mill sadness and panic that comes and goes after break ups. I just need to express that I'm *so there* with all of you right now. No matter how "busy" I keep, how much I post on the message boards, how many "fun" things I do, no matter how many guys ask for my number, and how many of my girlfriends tell me that I seem better than ever... there are times that I just want to yell and scream and cry... and sometimes I feel like I'm going to flip out because EX won't get out of my head (it's almost been 3 months, I should be done with the grieving, right??)

The main cause of anxiety, currently, is that I have not run into him. He lives near my workplace and I'm really scared I’m going to see him and literally have a nervous breakdown on the spot. I broke up w/ him initially (b/c I was tired of the let-down), so I'm sure he's just as scared to see me. I broke up over email and text message (cowardly on my part) three months ago and we haven't seen each other or spoken since (he asked me to dinner once via email but I declined). Maybe I'm feeling really vulnerable b/c the there's unfinished business between us b/c we didn't break up or say good-bye in person. I don't want to break the "no contact" rule, but I often feel like I should send an email saying, "so, what happens if I see you in person?" or something like that. I know it's really in fate's hands, but the anticipation is killing me at times. What do you all think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 5:35pm
...I just re-read this, as well as responses to my previous (and numerous) posts. I've re-affirmed by decision not to contact my Ex after re-reading everyone's advice. If I run into my Ex, I'll just deal with it in the moment. Eeksj -- you've given me some excellent advice and support in my past postings. I would suggest going back and looking at the advice you've given and received and note the progress you've made. The emotions from the break-up will come in waves, and will be strong enough to knock you off your feet in moments. I take great comfort in the fact that we're all alike -- experiencing the ebb and flow of these horrible, all-powerful, and unavoidably human feelings during our mutual time of sadness and loss. All morning I kept thinking, oh my god, i'm going crazy.. i'm going to cry.. i'm having a panic attack. And lo and behold, someone has already posted my exact sentiments! I feel much, much better after venting on the board earlier. And I'm feeling stronger.. right now.. in this calmer tide. I hope you do to, eeksj. Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 5:39pm

Hello Pot, this is Kettle calling.

Catalpa, you know the answer to your own question about getting in touch with him. You shouldn't. I have done so quite a bit (hence the pot and kettle reference), and though it hasn't "set me back," per se, it definitely hasn't made these fierce emotions and feelings any less potent. Any reason you have to contact him is just an excuse to temporarily "fix" those feelings that you have. What do you hope to accomplish by emailing him? What happens after you email him, even if he responds? Do you get the response and then just go back to no contact? (I couldn't) Or if he doesn't respond, will it send you into a tailspin? Think about your longterm health. Think about the consequences. Think about *why* you really want to contact him.

Stay the course. If you do run into him, well, it's not the end of the world. Don't run from your feelings, it's okay to still be grieving "after 3 months" (hell, I am); don't let your fears or emotions rule you, but at the same time, don't beat yourself up for feeling them--stop pressuring yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 10:41pm
Hey, when I read your message, I totally related. That happened to me about 6 months ago, I was told by my supposed love that he can't go on, for the sake of his kids. So, yeah I felt like utter crap for months. I then decided that I'm much too good for this, I started taking Yoga classes, I try to keep a smile on my face, and believe it or not if you can get a hold of some meditation tapes and really listen to them, I can't tell you how much they helped me from the inside out. You become aware of who you really are as a person. Plus, let me tell you something, please don't let him get the better of you. Tomorrow is another day! Feel at peace inside yourself, let him go from your mind. It's actually our egos doing this to us-it gets bruised and it fights back. Don't let your mind wander, try and keep it in the present, not the past or future, and if all else fails, close your eyes and count while you're trying to fall asleep. I learned in Yoga if you count, your mind cannot wander! Good luck, I hope that helps a bit.

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