Going to him to make peace?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Going to him to make peace?
2
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 11:30pm

Hi,

It's been almost three months since my ex and I broke up. We haven't talked or seen each other in close to two months. I've finally really moved on from him and gotten over the situation. In light of the recent tragedy of the tsunami (spelling, I know!), I've been wondering if life really is too short to stay angry and hold a grudge against my ex. I'm not ready to be friends with him, but I feel like I need to make contact with him to tell him I'm not angry at him anymore and that I'm doing ok. Does this sound like a stupid idea? Also, I just got terrible upsetting news about my best friend and I just wish I could go to my ex and talk, like we used to ... is that also a bad idea? Any advice would be great! Thanks!

Lynne

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 10:15am

I think you probably already know that getting in contact with him is really not a good idea. You said in your post that you are over him and the situation, yet the upsetting news you received about your friend makes you want to turn to your ex and talk, but your also not ready to be friends with him yet. All of that is a contradiction. It suggests that you aren't really over your ex yet. Sure, maybe that initial devastation you felt in the beginning of the break up is gone, maybe you are functioning better and doing things with your life that are positive, but wanting to turn to your ex in times of other upsetting news should be a huge red flag to you that you are looking for "excuses" to get in contact with him. You said yourself you're not ready to be his friend, so why then turn to him for support at a time that you would normally turn to "just" a friend?

I understand that with the devastation of the tsunami and the lack of comprehending the far reaching ramifications that those affected will have to deal with for years to come, it brings up our own fears of how short life really is and do we have all of our affairs "in order" if something tragic were to happen to us. Does everyone we love know that we love them? Should I apologize to those that I have hurt? Should I let go of any anger I have for certain people that are or were in my life? Only you know the answer to that, but I'm not sure that letting your ex know that you no longer hold any anger is such a good idea. What purpose does it serve? Would it make you feel better, or would you be trying to make him feel better? If you would be doing that just to make yourself feel better, then don't. As long as you know in your own heart that you have released the anger, then that's enough. Anger is a personal emotion, it comes and it goes and does not need to be shared with others if and when it dissipates or if and when it flares again. What if in say a month or so, something happens to bring back that feeling of anger towards your ex again? Would you then contact him again to let him know you're angry again? I would leave that whole idea alone for a while. Maybe if the day comes that you truly do want to be friends with this guy, then you can tell him you've forgiven and moved on.

Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 12:12pm

Contact now will set you back. Wait the additional time until you are completely over him and ready to be friends.

I made the mistake of contacting an ex after 9/11 (same type of thinking) and it set me back by a couple months.

Sheri