Going NUTS!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Going NUTS!!
4
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 11:15pm

I just don't get MEN!!!

My boyfriend and I just broke up last week for the 2nd time. I feel so used, and cheap and just plain like CRAP!

We started dating about a year ago and he was just recently separated and in the process of a divorce. He has two kids, one from a highschool girlfriend and one from his ex wife.
I know how it sounds, when I first met him I was like woah I gotta go but he treated me like a queen. He wanted to be with me all the time and was always complimenting me and we fell fast and hard. Or at least I thought we did, I know i did. We were together anytime we werent working and after a month I pretty much lived with him. We would sit and talk for hours on end every day..i mean like 4 or 5 hour conversations. He was the first guy I ever got close too and I was totally in love and I thought he was too. We had such an intense connection. And then he started acting funny, moody and distant. He kept saying it was just because he was mad about his ex screwing him over in the divorce. Well two weeks later I went out of town for the weekend and when I came back he wanted to break up. I found out later that two days later he took another girl out. I was devastated. I couldnt eat, all I did was cry and seriously went insane. The wierdest part about was that although he didnt want to be my boyfriend he insisted that we stay friends and that he couldnt lose me and that no matter what he wouldnt give up on us being friends. We tried to be friends but it was way to hard on me, so we stopped, then we were friends again and then we werent. It went back and forth. It really floored me that he would actually sit there and talk to me about this girl too. Yeah we had been best friends from day one and always talked about anything but this was different obviously and when I freaked out on him about he acted surprised. SO eventually I started dating another guy but at the same time me and my ex had started being friends again. I was happy with this other guy but it was obvious that my ex was interested again. Eventually he ended up telling me this and gave me some story about him always loving me but that he was still screwed up from the divorce and that he needed to break it off to deal with his issues and one of them was just going out and having a good time and dating around thus taking another girl out two days later. Well to make a long story short he did all these sweet things to get me back and we talked for 2 months about everything that happened and I felt like i understood why he needed to do it. So we got back together. Everything was great, even better than before. Everyone thought we would get married and be together forever. I mean we were never apart unless at work and if we were apart he was always calling me to say hi or tell me he loved me. We talked about getting married, having kids, moving out together all of it. I was certain he was my soul mate. Then in one week he started acting distant again, and then we broke up, and then i find out that the night we broke up before we broke up he took MY CAR, when and met another girl out, stayed out till 3:00 in the morning and then came back and got in MY BED. I am soooooooooooooooooooooooo mad at him, I hate him and I'm actually doing better this time than the first time. I am okay except for my moments one of which I am having now...I just can't believe it is over and that he did this to me again and that he could go from being totally in love with me to acting like he doesnt give a crap. I just dont get it!!!!! I am so mad and I usually can use that to fuel myself away from being sad but tonight I'm sitting in my apt by myself (the one he was ALWAYS at) and I am just so sad and confused.

I work out at the gym he works at and I cant get out of my contract so I still have to see him and we just totally ignore eachother which is definately the best cuz I feel like i could punch him but yet it hurts that since I confronted him about his cheating he has made no attempt to say sorry or explain it to me or even contact me. Its like he could care less that he hurt me AGAIN!!!! i feel so dumb. I wish i could just forget about him forever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
In reply to: que16
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 11:44pm

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are not nuts, you are confused and hurt. Your story sounds a lot what I went through - different details, but we broke up, were off/on friends, he was dating someone else, we got back together, and he did the same thing 6 months later. Get the book "He's Scared, She's Scared" - it will explain a lot of his behavior. Don't get the book to figure out how to get him back - read it to get over him and find someone who is serious about being in a committed relationship.

The anger is good - as long as I am mad at my ex, thinking about how horribly he treated me, I feel okay. It's when I start thinking about all the good things that I get sad and miss him. Others may have a different opinion, but I think anger is good (in this situation). You should be angry - he treated you badly. Twice. Keep reminding yourself of what he did, and even though it is painful, you will start to realize you are better off without someone who has so many issues.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
In reply to: que16
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 10:18am

thanks for you response. I will have to check that book out but I'm so angry with him right now that there is no way I would ever get back together with him. I feel like everything he said and did was a lie and I just can't believe that someone could do that. I could never do that to another person..I've only broken up with one person and we were together for 3 months and didnt really get to know eachother very well and I still felt like a complete jerk and even cried when I broke it off cuz I felt so bad about it.

I think anger is definately good, the first time I still thought he was such a great guy and it was the worst thing I ever went through I was so sad all the time but this time its a lot easier. And I thinks it because now I realize I'm losing a jerk and that I'm better off without him and all his baggage, I just get upset when I think about all the lies he told me and that I really truly did love him (the only guy i've ever loved) and he doesnt seem like he really loved me. And I just feel really empty and alone right now, I know it will pass because it did the first time but it just sucks waiting for it to come and I can't believe that its only been 6-7 months since I felt this way last.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2005
In reply to: que16
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 11:30am
I know what you mean - I found it hard to believe I was back in the same position again. You are right, the second time is easier. The last time I wanted him back because I thought he was a wonderful guy, we were supposed to be together, blah blah blah. I never got mad at him - I was just hurt. This time I realize that he isn't a wonderful guy, he lied to me, and I am better off without him. There are some times (had a couple of bad weeks lately) where I am sad and lonely, but I just keep reminding myself that I am better off without him dragging me down. I have a playlist on my ipod that I've named "kiss my ..." that I work out to. One of the songs is Cher's "Believe" (not a big Cher fan, but its a good song). My favorite line goes something like this - "Now that I've had time to think it through, maybe I'm too good for you." Yep, I am. And so are you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
In reply to: que16
Thu, 06-30-2005 - 12:00pm
Yeah i totally agree... I am way too good for him and I know I will find something much better. I just wish I would find it sooner than later. Thanks I am feeling better today, a little. I just want to go up and tell him that I think he sucks and that I am too good for him but I'm sure he knows that, in fact when we broke up that was his excuse for why he wanted to break up, that he wasnt good enough for me and that he held me back. I didnt find out till later that he was right cuz he had cheated on me that very night!!!!!