Going out with a BANG or a WHISPER?
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| Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:15pm |
So, I guess luckily I DID decide to check out of this relationship as I just found out he met someone in Texas this past weekend. I guess you can say we had just began out "break" but not officially we had just spoke 1 day before about it and had decided to figure things out (map it out) once he returned. BUT, looks to me like he's moving on. Doesn't want a serious committment at the moment, tried the relationship thing and doesn't want to be in one (I'm assuming b/c of the rules etc) wanted to still date me and if I didn't want to he wanted to remain friends b/c "why burn a bridge b/c we have such great compatibility" I told him I wasn't interested in going back to just dating when we just lived with each other for a year and were bf/gf for 2. He wasn't going to have his cake and eat it too. He's just not ready for a relationship and wants to date "play" around. That's what came out. Finally!
No fireworks or anything no explosion. It just is. I can totally accept that.
We're still on a "break" so to speak, he still believes this, but as I said in my previous post I'm ready to move on fully. He believes that we can be friends and stuff no matter what happens (and yeah maybe eventually I can, I'm talking months...YEARS from now even) but now...please. I won't let him have the satisfaction of having my companionship w/o the relationship.
So I wonder though, in this situation...how do I handle it? I am committed to letting him know that he should consider us broken up. But then there's that bit of evil spite in me that wants to leave everything he's ever given me on his doorstep. Should I just not even say anything? Should I just walk out without saying any thing else to him ever again?
He still is in the belief that we can talk daily like nothing's wrong. Denial. Or something!
It's just funny to me, he's so inexperienced in relationships - i'm his first ltr even though he's 30! Is this the pattern you want to create for yourself? Is this the man you want to be? The man I knew isn't the same man I am starting to know now. I never pegged him as a womanizer but from his lips to my ears...he wants to play around. Wants to be a playa cause he never was before. Screams immaturity.
So I'm stepping back and letting him do what he thinks he wants to do. Who am I to stop him from this dream? I'm just his pissed off exgirlfriend exbestfriend.
So...whisper or roar?
Walk away w/o saying one word, just disappear completely from his existence or speak my mind and tell him how screwed up I think the whole thing is.
I guess in the end it's up to me but advice would be nice. You guys have given such good advice over the last few days.
ACK! Yep. March sucks.

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HEre's where you're at....you're going "do I go out with flash and panache or just silently and with dignity move on" - as if it matters to him or could "hurt or impact" him in the least.
If you lived with this guy, and this other woman, for a year...what you "taught" him that will never been unlearned by him is that you're a "source" of benefits, providership, identity, security, and options for his needs, convenience, schedule, agenda, and priorities....without him having to consider you at all.
That's why it was so easy to move on...he wasn't ever 'with you'. He was with an entity that he had no obligation to that was providing a free buffet. You shut down the buffet...he's moved away from the doors not banging and screaming - let me in, I'll pay the banquet is so delicious....he's shrugged his shoulders, said nothing free here, oh well - move on to free lunch #2 down the street.
You're 'out" - there is no bang or whisper about it. He doesn't want to burn a bridge because codpeendency is "Identity, success, security, completion, and happiness via alliance' - he needs at many sources for attention, approval, acceptance, admiration, appreciation, affirmation, and adoration as he can get. He's not a source of that in a self-generating sense - so he's got to constantly have it "pumped in" via another source.
forget about the "bang/whisper" element - and spend this time figuring out what in you is lacking that you accepted this dynamic and scenario in your life as acceptable at all.
Otherwise, you'll repeat him. If he's not a repeat to a greater extent of all your previous relationships.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
wow. okay. that's kool. thank you very much.
what was lacking in me i think...i was in love (still am) and thought that people in love should stick together no matter what. there were no fights or arguments - other than those involving her and something she did. so i turned a blind eye to the red flags. i've never been in a situation that a grown man was so dependent on another in this way.
I had just told a girlfriend that he will never be successful in any relationship until he moves out of that house. He's not really willing to - evidence as to what happened when we were trying to move...it all crumbled down into this.
Wow though. Everything you said re codependency is what I've thought but haven't been able to put it into words.
Funny thing, I just had a conversation with his mother last week about the roommate issue...and she kind of knew but hearing from me I think made them solid. We didn't talk much about things, but a little. She's worried about this as well. But yeah, until he moves out of this situation, his life, and things will never change. But that's not my concern any longer now is it?
thanks again.
I would send him an email or make a phone call saying that you need to move on and that means not having contact with him for the time being, and you'll get in touch with him when you're ready to be friends.
Don't even THINK about leaving the gifts he's given you on his doorstep...you're better than that, aren't you?
Sheri
Codependency is "addictive thinking patterns".
Insecurity is just "I'm unsure of who I am, what I'm capable of." That's easily rectified by in situations that require decisive action and goal focus - you take responsible and intelligent actions based on factual assessment in order to achieve your goals. That overcomes "insecurity" - and you become secure in who you are, what you believe in, what you value and prioritize, need and want - and how capable you are of achieving it and being complete within yourself.
Codependency is when someone refuses to step up to that plate of self-identification and completion. They're in constant need of attention and approval -thinking that the feelings it inspires is "self-esteem". It's not - that's self-confidence. You get that from other people applauding and approving of you. And so as a result you're constantly catering to every source as a potential fountain of approval, acceptance, affirmation, etc.
But that's never you earning your own respect and admiration, trust, and acceptance....so as a result you're ever in need of reassurance...and like any drug - one hit is not enough and pretty soon one hit doesn't make you as high or "feel as good' as it used to do.
Codependents, like any other addict, use feelings as facts, goals, calls to action and tools of cognition. They determine what they will do based on what they believe they'll get as a result of doing it. They're never taking actions they believe in to get them where they want to be. They're taking actions others approval of to get them by association where they want to be.
Codependents don't see "individuals" - they see "sources".....just the way an alcoholic views Jim Beam not as "good tasting indulgence for occasion" - but as a necessary ingredient in the dietary intake in order to "feel normal".
As codependents age and their "potential" is lessened with age, as it is never realized - that takes requirement, responsibility, risk and factual assessment - none of which codependents do......their sources run out, and they are willing to commit - resentfully - while then making your life a living hell on earth as a result of you not making them "complete, happy, successful and secure" - because nobody can become waht they don't define and pursue on their own as an individual.
So why did you settle for somene that you mothred, nurtured, adored and approved of while he lapped up your approval - always fetching slippers and petting your hair to gain your approval - not out of true admiration for you as an individual? Really - delve into that. It was a ver shallow relationship, that obviously you accepted obstacles and obstructions from the outside thinking there was "great potential" in this.
The key to enabling codependents or addicts is to fall for their potential, invest in their future, at your present expense.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
OH...yeah btw you were RIGHT ON about the "appreciation, affirmation, and adoration" part. This was him in a nutshell and he even actually mentioned that he didn't feel appreciated at times and that I didn't support him and him wanting to be a musician. hello? i've been to all your shows for 2 years flat. Helped you tote around your equipment. built your web site. etc. blah.
he actually seemed to have move on before I shut the buffet down though. that's the only difference. well he wanted my buffet...and wanted to try a bunch of other buffets around town since he's "never really had a chance to play around he thinks maybe he wants to do it now". pft. please.
OKAY. i'm over it. I thnk i just needed to babble about it a little. complain. moan. etc. just one last time. i am moving on. will keep telling myself that until it fits. i'm almost there.
ah yeah. no gifts from me. lol.
Im about 2 hours away right now housesitting for the next two weeks. That'll help. He's emailed me twice, once to say he still loves me no matter what happens and the other to ask me how i was doing and gave me a heads up on a apt i might be (and was) interested in. I haven't responded.
Told him before I left, I needed some time. Maybe two weeks maybe more. But now I don't even want to just take a "break" I am ready to move on. I want to break up.
Should I drop him a line to let him know that I'll get in contact with him when I'm ready to be friends? Or shoud I just not say anything. I'm opting for the second actually.
I still have to go back to the house, my couch and a few other things of mine are there (that i'm not willing to leave). Am trying to do it when he's at work Saturday but it's just me so I may not move as quickly as I'd like to and run into him. There's no hate there so it won't be too awkward, but I'd rather just kind of have the last time we were in each other's presence be this past Monday.
At this point, you'd be better to think of yourself as a more mature and responsible parent...and him an immature and irresponsible child.
This isn't one of those where he's going to hang onto your things......but it's not going to be one of those where like a mature and resposible adult he gives up your things easily - particularly if what is there by giving it up...means he and his roommate do "without" in terms of replacement.
If you own a truck, can take someone and retrieve your things great - otherwise you might consider getting a small moving company that uses vans rather than large trucks - to go and retrieve it and bring it to your desired location.
That ends it.
Because like a child.....he relies on his feelings as the determinant of what to do and how to act. You could easily expect him not to be there.....be there, to have another woman there...or be on his knees begging for a second chance....he's a kid - and you justdon't know what to expect.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Re dropping him a line--that's up to you. I personally find it hard to ignore repeated emails or phone calls, so I would do so, and then block him.
Sheri
I don't really think I did this..."settle for somene that you mothred, nurtured, adored and approved of while he lapped up your approval"...honestly the roommate did this, this is probably why the decision was her instead of me.
It didn't seem shallow. It seemed solid... I don't really think it was shallow. And yeah, once I moved in, I noticed their relationship but working 40 and school 18 hours plus other activities...I didn't really really notice it until I begin to work pt and was around more and it was a real eye opener. Which was the last two-three months. I had all ready decided to get out by then. We had spoke about moving out together. It was all planned out and one day he did a 180. The date was coming close and he freaked. Couldn't be without his "mommy". At that point it had nothing to do with me, was them and I knew this and accepted it. Just took a little time. A few weeks I'd say.
But I do generally agree with EVERYTHING you have had to say about codependency. I honestly just never have been with anyone like this or never in a situation like this. Each of my boyfriends have been different.
btw...i don't feel like talking to him anymore so I just will walk away. he doesn't deserve my goodbye....
we're all in agreement that he...just kind of sucks.
Edited 3/23/2005 3:54 pm ET ET by monortsa
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