Going out with a BANG or a WHISPER?
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| Wed, 03-23-2005 - 1:15pm |
So, I guess luckily I DID decide to check out of this relationship as I just found out he met someone in Texas this past weekend. I guess you can say we had just began out "break" but not officially we had just spoke 1 day before about it and had decided to figure things out (map it out) once he returned. BUT, looks to me like he's moving on. Doesn't want a serious committment at the moment, tried the relationship thing and doesn't want to be in one (I'm assuming b/c of the rules etc) wanted to still date me and if I didn't want to he wanted to remain friends b/c "why burn a bridge b/c we have such great compatibility" I told him I wasn't interested in going back to just dating when we just lived with each other for a year and were bf/gf for 2. He wasn't going to have his cake and eat it too. He's just not ready for a relationship and wants to date "play" around. That's what came out. Finally!
No fireworks or anything no explosion. It just is. I can totally accept that.
We're still on a "break" so to speak, he still believes this, but as I said in my previous post I'm ready to move on fully. He believes that we can be friends and stuff no matter what happens (and yeah maybe eventually I can, I'm talking months...YEARS from now even) but now...please. I won't let him have the satisfaction of having my companionship w/o the relationship.
So I wonder though, in this situation...how do I handle it? I am committed to letting him know that he should consider us broken up. But then there's that bit of evil spite in me that wants to leave everything he's ever given me on his doorstep. Should I just not even say anything? Should I just walk out without saying any thing else to him ever again?
He still is in the belief that we can talk daily like nothing's wrong. Denial. Or something!
It's just funny to me, he's so inexperienced in relationships - i'm his first ltr even though he's 30! Is this the pattern you want to create for yourself? Is this the man you want to be? The man I knew isn't the same man I am starting to know now. I never pegged him as a womanizer but from his lips to my ears...he wants to play around. Wants to be a playa cause he never was before. Screams immaturity.
So I'm stepping back and letting him do what he thinks he wants to do. Who am I to stop him from this dream? I'm just his pissed off exgirlfriend exbestfriend.
So...whisper or roar?
Walk away w/o saying one word, just disappear completely from his existence or speak my mind and tell him how screwed up I think the whole thing is.
I guess in the end it's up to me but advice would be nice. You guys have given such good advice over the last few days.
ACK! Yep. March sucks.

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Well, you have to see it from the bottom of a pit - to really see the point. But.....
Basically tehre were a ton of red flags. The guy has no established career, or education, he is incapable of financial independent living, and he goes around having all sorts of expectations and needs that he belives are the obligations of others to meet as a result of alliance with him. He's also living with someone who's paying a majoroity of the bills, doing a majority of the chores, and who adores his every step.
Sounds alot like an 8-year old......with a 30 year old schlong.
And you moved in with him......knowing his professional situation, financial ineptitude, and that he had in his life a "woman" that you were coming in second to - from the inception of the relationship itself.
That says volumes about you......not negatively per se...but your thinking patterns, prioritizations, etc. are displayed in these situations. Technically - in situational review you learn absolutely nothing of value that is pervasive in dynamic.
But if you review your entire life...you'd see patterns. Are you always choosing men who are "lesser than" - than yo in terms of options, independence, and ability? If so - you're trying to raise them up to your standards, so they'll meet your needs - and by doing so they're indebted to you and thus cannot leave you.
Eventually, you reach a point in life where you hit this wall that has a slogan reading "no matter where you go, tehre you are and somehow or another your reasoning, your actions, your thinking patterns, your emotional associations keep winding you up facing this brick wall."
If the first time you hit that wall and read the slogan - you dismiss it - that's natural. You've never been here before.....but the second, third and fourth time in a myriad of situations and realtionships you hit that same wall....you need to recognize the common denominator is the problem...and that person is you.
It's a slow slide into dysfunctional reasoning.....it generally starts with some slightly unrealistic expectations in individual situations, that are never realized and thus your perception is 'don't push, don't crowd, don't insist - just go along in the next situation with what is, trying to negotiate change as you go rather than end it ecuase waht you want isn't in existence at the time."
The longer you do that...the less of a "winner" in your own estimation you have the potential to be. Ask any sports psychologist and they'll tell you straight up in a way that mirrors life in every aspect....if you don't believe you can win, you don't try to win, and once you stop trying to win, you begin to settle for whatever place you can procure with the limited effort you are wiling to put out - by putting ajustification on this placement so that you don't have to try harder nad possibly "lose". In short, if you never are trying to win...you cannot lose. And it is easy to slowly slide into that perception......if you have unrealistic expectations, get into situations where the types of changes you want/need aren't available to be made because of your choice of partner.
So, instead of doing situational review of details which puts things in a vacuum and allows justification - do a pervasive review of the dynamics of all your relationships, look at all those results, find yuour common denomatinator, and determine your common factors so that you can change what you do, and what you want...so that you'll get what you want by what you do.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
i mean i don't want to 'defend' his actions you know. but yeah he's a musician but making an actually good living out of it. he's one of the rare ones. has a ba/master's degree from berkley. perfect credit. knows how to take care of his money. money in general. we all split the bills/rent/chores. does volunteer work. just bought a honda element, cash. so responsible in that manner. makes more money being a musician than most people make working 9-5. he's kind of accomplished in that way. so when i say musician, i'm not really talking about the broke and tired type.
BUT the "goes around having all sorts of expectations and needs that he belives are the obligations of others to meet as a result of alliance with him." yeah. that's defn him - now that my eyes are open
the codependency thing a lot of little things like that. weren't present (seen) at first. slowly came up and were noticed by me once i started being at the house more than 6-10 hours at a time to sleep. then it was like WHOA! But like I said...I didn't realize their relationship was a little more deeper than I thought and when I did, i wanted to run for the hills. I just thought he was running with me, never thought he'd duck and cover. But when he did, i was still prepared to get my own place and had taken steps towards it (saving and looking). Knew being in this situation was a negative on our lives, my life and our relationship.
Btw my history of guys, there hasn't been many serious ones, has actually been okay. they've been pretty healthy. no crazy breakups. nothing like this madness. last bf moved back to russia and i wasn't ready to move there with him. another guy we decided that we'd be better friends (and we've remained the best friends ever after that). so each guy has been a little different than the last. some with money and "atypical" careers, some not. so yeah this has been the first time I've ever been in a situation like this and now I know. Won't do it again and know and i mean KNOW the red flags/signs.
Edited 3/23/2005 5:28 pm ET ET by monortsa
the codependency thing comes from...her asking him to do things, treating him as the man of the house, running back to her, worrying about her in more than a roommate situation, etc. a lot of little things like that. weren't present at first. slowly came up and were noticed by me once i started being at the house more than 6-10 hours at a time to sleep. then it was like WHOA! But like I said...I didn't realize this relationship was a little more deeper than I thought and when I did, i wanted to run for the hills. I just thought he was running with me, never thought he'd duck and cover. But when he did, i was still prepared to get my own place and had taken steps towards it (saving and looking). Knew being in this situation was a negative on our lives, my life and our relationship
Well, codependency didn't "come from her".......basically any dynamic requires the same personality - in two opposite comoponents.
In codependent relationships...there's the giver...and the taker.
The giver is the one who prioritizes this other person over themselves, and thinks that "I'm nothing without him/her". The giver needs a source of identity and they get it by being "this person's everything'.
The taker is the one who "needs' alot of things done for them. And they feel very entitled to having these things done...and the giver is more than happy to do it in exchange for identity.
Alot of men in codependency patterns lke to be the "white knight in shining armor"...they want to rescue the damsel in distress, bcuase in looking down on her - they consider themselves superior. codependency is wracked with inferior/superiority dynamic and issues and perception. Ther eis no "equality" in a codependent dynamic. Both people are in it becuase "by alliance I am what I am not".....or perceive me in ways i do not without you to "filter thru".
Sounds like what is going on is that despite his education, his financial position, and his musical success....he's never given those venues the power to "empower him" with the knowledge of how capable, worthy, acceptable, and able he is to be "complete." Without defining what makes him who he is...he's constantly jumping back and forth over the same brick...rather than running down the road, on the journey of life, being a success and fulfilling his dreams and potential.
She's tehre in "need"...and as a result of her need - he feels superior. To feel superior - he must meet the needs. HE can't give her up - she's needy and inferior, and only in playing off that does he "like himself".
She sees herself as being "rescued"......and likes that perception that she's so worthy, so desied - that he is putting her before all else.
And codependency has those blinders...this is you viewing you through the filter htis person provides...while in a healthy relationship this is you viewing hte other person for who they are and what they are at the elemental core.
Just a little more insight on codependency itself.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
exactly.
that's basically it/everything in a nutshell.
it's all too bad. you know? i mean i love this man but will not be in this situation again with him but would hope that in his future he'll open his eyes and move on. but as we said...it's not longer my problem. it's such a sad existance. but if one has blinders on, it's up to them to realize this existance and move on from it...or continue in it.
at the moment he's continuing...
so our chapter is over.
This is a good way to think about it...he's reasoning and prioritizing like a 14 year old...which is why he's never had any long term, adult, equality based, honestly communicative, mutually beneficial relationships.
And until he stops reasoning like a 14 year old......he can't succeed in any regard in the adult while......but becauseh e's an adult in body perspective - he has adult options and opportunities to "screw his life up and screw up other people's lives who are aligned with him."
The more money he's got, options he's got, abilities he's got...the less inclined he will be to look inward when life doesn't "give him waht he wants' - he'll say everybody else is screwed up or wrong...and he'll seek an alliance that gives him waht he wants rather than change who he is.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
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