Going through hell
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| Fri, 03-10-2006 - 12:44pm |
Hello,
I believe my friends are getting tired of hearing me go on about my ex and our breakup so I thought I would try posting my situation. My boyfriend and I were to celebrate our 3-year anniversary next month (mid-April). We have been having some problems lately (for the last year) - he was not making me a priority, constantly going out with friends and traveling, it was like pulling teeth to get him to take me out to dinner - not being a great boyfriend. But I still loved him deeply - from the beginning there was something "different" about him and I thought he was the guy I would marry. We have traveled the world together - there are so many great memories and future experiences I cannot imagine not having in my life.
He was always putting off marriage - no matter when we talked about it he always needed "2 years". We would talk after an especially bad situation and he always said he didn't treat me the way I deserved to be treated, but that he wanted the chance to do better. Then things would be ok for a while and he would get lazy again. This last Friday he was out until 5 a.m. with friends. When I hadn't heard from him all day Saturday I went to his house to make our plans for the night. While he was still in bed he started telling me we had big problems that we could not overcome. I asked if he was breaking up with me, he said yes. After tearful conversation I gave him the things of his that I had (garage door opener and key) and left. I have not called him but there is a hole in my heart! He is a wonderful catch, and with a little effort we could have had a wonderful relationship. I have been devastated - crying and unable to work all week.
Yesterday got a little better, and then he called me last night at 3:00 a.m. out with friends. He said he didn't regret doing it, but that he wanted to be friends – that he missed my family and I was the “best girl he had ever dated”. I guess - my heartbreak is coming over what could have been if only he had tried and worked on our relationship like he said he wanted to. I feel as if I am making a mistake by letting things end. We were also supposed to go out of town for a beach weekend this weekend, and he is there with a friend and I am home missing him. How do you know when you have done the right thing when all you can focus on is what you miss?
Thank you for reading!!

clavenden...
Pianoguy read your post....and it reminds him of a similar one that was written earlier this week? .
First...NO BREAK-UP IS EASY FOR ANYBODY! Some people appear to handle them better than others do...but the hurt (whether it's external or internal) is STILL THERE! So go through your "period of mourning"---then move forward!
Second...if you want to keep your friends...COOL IT WITH THE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR EX! Even the most understanding person can ONLY TAKE SO MUCH! And it sounds like you've played the "same tune" too many times?
Third...please listen to the song: "WRONG AGAIN" by Martina McBride. She sums up your situation much better than I can.
Pianoguy
I understand your pain so much. I am in it, too, right now. My 6-year relationship just ended. We, too, traveled the world and he, too, was very special, being an old friend to begin with.
But I have had to accept the fact that even though I desperately wanted the relationship to continue, I could not make it do so by myself. He had decided evidently some time ago that that is not what he wanted. I tried and tried and tried for months to convince him to stay with me, all to no avail. He stayed the last year because it was comfortable and he had no one else. But now he is engaged just one month after our final break-up. He left me a long time ago in his heart.
What I am trying to say is, painful as it is, you have no control over this now. It takes two to make a relationship. You can't make anyone love you or be more attentive to you. This is what I am struggling to accept every day, and believe me, it is the hardest thing I have done because I am so completely still in love with him.
If you keep pushing, like I did, you will only get more heartbreak. Nothing can probably convince him to stay, not sex, or being sweet, or threats, or crying, or shaming, or ANYTHING. If he is to return to you, it will have to be after a period of no contact whebn HE decides in his heart he wants to be with you, after all.
I am sure my friends, too, are tired of hearing me moan about him. They know he was not good for me. Keep coming to these boards. It will get better in time, I promise.
"If you're going through hell, keep going." --Winston Churchill
You haven't been broken up that long, so I hardly believe you've worn your friends out just yet. You do need to go through this mourning period and get it out of your system and lean on them (and us) to help you through. I think he's probably evaluating your relationship and your future, especially since marriage seems to be the next logical step. I think EVERYONE should do that before they progress to that walk down the aisle (and yes, that includes YOU), but most people just keep right on rolling since it's easier to do that than go against the grain.
So here's my question to you. You say there was something "different" about him and that you've traveled together and have great memories. Maybe it's just the way you were writing here, but I'm not seeing that you were all that passionately in love with him...something about the way you described your relationship. I'm concerned that you're clinging to this relationship because of habit. Because you feel like you've built a 3-year relationship with this guy and hate for it to have been "time wasted." Of course, we all know it's never time wasted and the memories are still good memories, whether your relationship lasts forever or not. And just because your relationship didn't end up in marriage doesn't mean it was time wasted. It was time spent preparing yourself emotionally for the man you WILL spend the rest of your life with. We become stronger and richer for every minute we spend loving someone and we take that to our next relationship and the next one and the next until we find the one that sticks.
Another concern I have is what he said when he called. He missed your family and you were the best girl he ever dated. Not that he missed you, realized he couldn't live without you, was seriously regretting his decision... He's missing the comforts of having you around, having someone be good to him. You need to think about this, and think about the problems he mentioned that you "could not overcome." You should know what they are...
I think the best thing to do is give him his space. Will he come around? It's possible but even if he does, I'd have doubts it was for the right reasons or that he wouldn't just break up with you again somewhere down the line. If he knew you were the one, he would have known it a long time ago and not put off marriage. The best thing you can do is try to start the healing process for yourself and use this weekend to ask yourself what YOU want. It probably would help not to take his calls, but I know only you will know when you're strong enough to cut off contact. Just know that every time you talk to him, the wound is only going to take longer to heal.
Steph
Dear Hell's Angel,
Ok, so here is what I have been telling all the other fine young ladies out there....get yourself one or two buddies that you can trust and know will be there for you even if you want to rant and rave about this jerk 24/7. The only thing you should really worry about is who you are talking to because you don't want to have anything you say about him get back to him. That will make you look like you are bitter and how can we let that happen? Anyway, so stick to someone you know will never make you feel bad about talking about your ex. I am lucky that I have such friends. I also suggest you get a journal...a pen and paper may very well be your best friends. You can get every thought and feeling out anytime you want and you won't get any unsolicited advice back. Don't ever think that you will make anyone sick talking about your breakup. If you are not talking to supportive people, then keep your lips sealed until you find some. Now, you still love your boyfriend. Of course you do, you cannot turn emotions off like a light switch especially when you have so many fond memories and future plans embedded in your mind. How hard it must have been to go over his house after he'd been out partying it up to find that he wants to break up with you. Sister, I hate to break it yo you, but he may have been a wonderful catch but it's time to toss him back into the lake and reel in a hunk who will want to devote himself to you and look forward to talking about marriage someday. You have every right to feel devastated but it's time to wipe those tears and get your butt into work. I don't know what you do, but it's not worth jeopardizing your career over this flake. You are a smart, sassy female and whether you know it or not you possess the ability to be successful without a man in your life. Get yourself a new outfit and make sure you get into work on time! You said things were getting better so remember that day after day it will get easier. I do have to, however, address the issue of this phone call you received from him at 3AM while he was out with his friends no less. Yeah, you are right....what a wonderful catch (being sarcastic)! The drunken phone call is the worst and should be completely discounted. Maybe he wasn't drunk but still he at least could have called you at a time (or normal hour preferably) when he could have devoted all of his time to you as opposed to making you compete with his friends' attention. He did get one thing right....you are the best girl he ever dated but now it's a little too late to call and tell you that....you're already in bed asleep! Only you know if you are doing the right thing or not, but just remember this, if you do consider taking this bad fish back, remember to make sure that it is on YOUR terms. I would not rush into anything though. Take some time for YOURSELF and if he calls again tell him that he chose to break up with you so now you are choosing to think about things. Once you have set yourself free for a while, take a deep look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are now a sexy single and it's time to create some fond memories for yourself that do no include your former flame. Then decide if he was worth it.
~ Free Spirited Diva ~
PS. I hope he comes back from the beach with a blotchy sunburn!
I hate to say this again, because people are going to think I'm getting a cut for promoting this thing, but "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" would be perfect for you. First, it addresses wearing your friends out. It also addresses getting out of bed and going into work, making yourself get out of the house every day. But mostly it reinforces the fact that even though he's a great guy, you're a great girl, and you had fun together, sometimes two people just don't work together. It also helps just knowing that there are others out there who've been through what you have been through.
Steph
HI CLAVENDEN
IT SEEM LIKE THAT YOUR EXBF IS A PARTY GO'ER. GOSH THIS GUY IS A BIG HEADACHE FOR YOU!!
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING! IN CASE THAT YOU GUYS DIDNT BREAK UP AFTER ALL, ARE YOU HAPPY THAT YOUR NOT THE PRIORITY OF YOUR BF? HE RATHER BE WITH THE FRIEND THAN BE W/YOU!
FOR MY OWN OPINION YOUR JUST WASTING YOUR TIME YOU BEEN WITH HIM FOR 3YRS AND 1 YR OF THAT IS DISASTER. I KNOW YOU LOVE THIS GUY. BUT IF HIS WILLING TO CHANGE FOR YOU WHY NOT RIGHT?
BUT THE THING IS HIS LETTING GO OF YOU JUST BE WITH THE FRIENDS....THATS CRAZY! JUST IMAGING YOUR ALL DEVASTATED AND HIS HAVING FUN...WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?
AFTER ALL IT SEEM THAT HIS MAKING YOU GUILTY AND SAYING THAT HE WAS TRYING! WELL ACTUALLY I'M JUST ASSUMING THAT YOU GUYS ARE STILL YOUNG IS THAT RIGHT?...I MEAN HE DOESNT HAVE TO STOP GOING OUT AT ALL...INSTEAD BOTH OF YOU COULD GO OUT WITH HIS FRIEND AND YOURS TOO.
ATLEAST YOU COULD SPEND TIME WITH HIM TOO AND HE COULD BE WITH HIS FRIEND. THE POINT IS HE DOESNT HAVE TO CHOOSE AT ALL..ACTUALLY GUYS ARE LIKE THAT THEY LIKE SPENDING TIME WITH THEIR FRIEND BUT THIS ONLY DEPEND ON THEIR AGE/STAGE.
WHEN THEY GET MORE OLDER THEY GET TIRED OF IT. BELIEVED ME WELL ACTUALLY THIS IS ALL DEPEND ON YOU. IF YOU LOVE HIM YOU HAVE TO PUT A LOT PATIENCE.
GOOD LUCK
I know what you are going through- I'm 31, it was a three year relationship, the last year was tough, and I knew he was the one, but he let me go. I mean, even the possessions we had to return were the same. Sometimes I wonder if we were all dating the same guy, some of the similarities are scary! I just wanted you to know that you will get through this. I don't have a lot different to say than those who have already posted, but it helped me to hear the same thing over and over from people that I didn't think had to tell me what I needed to hear.
First of all, you are not letting things end. He chose to end them. There is a difference. You cannot make someone be with you if they no longer chose to be with you. That sounds really harsh, but you need to not look at it as you failing to do something.
As time goes on, you may be able to look back at the tough last year and realize that his actions could have been his way of trying to distance himself from you. It sure makes it easier for him to say goodbye when the time comes. I know how much you wanted this relationship to work- but should you have to work that hard? Shouldn't he have been working as hard as you were? From what you said, it doesn't seem like he was. If he was such a wonderful catch, would he have really treated you in the way he has been? A relationship that is one sided is never going to work.
What if the answer to the marriage question kept being that he needed more time? How long do you want to put off moving forward for someone who might not want to take that step? I know its hard- I defended the "I need more time" answer to my friends for a year. There comes a point though when you have to ask yourself- after all this time, why doesn't he want to move forward? It's just my opinion, but I think after three years someone should know whether or not they have found the person they want to marry. Doesn't mean they are going to marry you today, but it should be something easy and exciting to discuss.
I'd also recommend "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken." I received it in a break-up survival kit a few months ago. The book made me laugh, it made me cry, and in the end, realize that there is nothing I can do to make the relationship work if both of us don't want the same thing. You mentioned him being "good" on paper, and the book recommends writing down the good and bad things about your ex. You might find that there was a lot of bad you were willing to overlook at the time.
It is tough right now, but stay busy, use your friends or this board for support. Focus on taking care of yourself. Things will get better. I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but you are a strong person. It may be days, or weeks, or months, but eventually you will stop thinking about him so much. There will always be memories, but I'm hoping there is a day when those memories aren't so painful. Haven't gotten there yet, so I can't promise anything. Take care!
Just be thankful this has happened now after three years, rather than the six years that I invested in my BF, always thinking he will eventually mature enough in the relationship to make a marriage commitment to me. What is funny is he is 49 and just forgot to have babies. So, he is off to do that with a young woman from overseas that he just "met" on the internet two months ago! Why, oh, why did I waste the last three years of my life with such a fruitcake?
I just bought "It's Called a Breakup" last night. It will be one of my tools to work through this, along with my girlfriends and family. I will now have more time to devote to the people who really love me and care for me. They are so much more deserving of my time, and I finally see this. I am making a list of recreational things to enjoy this spring and hobbies to renew. I have a whole list of breakup books I might read, and I will indulge myself in reading as many of them as I want until I no longer have that need. I will not wallow in the pain too long, though. I will know when it's time to move on. I still have a whole lot of pain to work through, but I am going to be okay. Check out the song "I'm Alive" by Jackson Browne, and all the other songs on the I'm Alive album.