Good guy, unhappy relationship-Breakup?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Good guy, unhappy relationship-Breakup?
10
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 8:41am

This is my confession of my lifetime in a nutshell, so please excuse it if it's alittle long.

About 8-9 months ago, I got out of a bad relationship of 3 1/2 years. I had been with this guy since I was 17, and now I'm 21. It was a baby relationship that dragged on for too long. It was so painful but the breakup was enevitable since our problems were on-going for 2 1/2 years with no signs of resolution. He and I knew it was coming, but I was still clingy to the relationship until the bitter end. I never thought my heart could smash into a billion pieces but it did and there's no better way to describe it. I wanted it so badly to work out that I came crawling and balling back to him and he shut me down like a light switch. Almost 4 years down the drain for him to leave me for some other girl, but I swallowed the pain like a dry pill.

2 months after my break-up, I meet this wonderful guy. He's basically everything I ever wanted in a guy and I couldn't ask for more. Well-spoken, educated, cute, kind, caring, sweet, and great in bed. (Everything my ex wasn't basically.) We become bf/gf after dating only for 2 months. Days turn into months and things have drastically changed. I'm no longer happy. I can sense he's not fully happy either, but he's super clingy. Always calling, asking me who I'm with, who I'm talking to online, who's texting me, etc. It's becoming such an annoyance and it's about to drive me crazy. I feel like I no longer have part in our relationship. He does EVERYTHING for me. And in the end, I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt. I feel like I "owe" him to be in this relationship since he's so willing to work things out, give me things, help me out, etc. Our problems aren't related to the actual subject, but the fact is: I no longer feel the same. I've lost interest in the relationship and want it to end due to incompatibility and lack of compromising.

My dilemma: I don't know how to break it to him. He's such a loving guy and has only good intentions. I can't let my issues and feelings hurt him anymore than it already does. I love him dearly and can't stand the thought of stringing him along but I just can't let this relationship go on any further. I believe I didn't give myself enough time to let my issues work themselves out before I got into another relationship. I can see myself marrying someone like him, but not HIM. I've already spoken to a few of my friends and all of them say that I know what's going to happen, so why prolong it? But why am I hesitating if the ending is nearing? To break or not to break: That is the question!

Any words are of great help to me. I'm completely stuck in limbo.

Thank you for reading my post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 9:13am

It sounds like you don't want to hurt this new guy, but I don't think you have any choice. And the longer it goes on, the harder it will be.

Be honest with him. Explain that you have some issues that you need to work out from your previous relationship and let him know your sorry for hurting him. Don't offer to be friends --- that will just keep him holding on. Personally I think he already seems clingy. The fact that he always wants to know what your doing and who your doing it with are either a sign of an insecure person or a possessive person. Neither is a very good trait in a boyfriend. You can't take responsiblity for what he is feeling. All you can do is be honest -- let him down as gently as possible and stick to your guns.

Your still really young. Why not take some time off from relationships and just try dating a few different people. That way you can figure out exactly what your looking for and what you want without getting in to deep.

Good luck.

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 9:32am

Thank you, Kathy.

The relationship in the beginning was very fair and loving, now it's just unbalanced and tiring. I tried my best to give him signals and tell him about my feelings but it never comes out right. It just turns into a point-less arguement or a conversation that escalates into slience. We're having what I call "slient arguements" and that consists of utter SILENCE when there should be a conversation. Not a single word said for hours on end when there's definitely something to talk about. - Not good. Not to mention, that clingyness of his is without reason. I pick up his phone calls every single darn time. If I miss it, I call him back when I get the chance. I never leave him hanging, nor do I give him reason to believe otherwise. I just don't understand what it is that causes him to be so possessive about me when I'm already his!

Lately, I've been feeling really burnt out from relationships. I feel this urge to be free and clear to do whatever, with whoever, whenever. I know that this relationship is going down the drain because of my behalf as well. My feelings have changed. I know what I want, but I don't want to settle for anything less than the best. At least, for now I need my space to have my fun before I settle down. I know I'm still very young and I can't help but feel that there's so much more out there that I've yet to learn and I need to do it without him. I love him dearly and I only want for his happiness, but I have to put myself first.

I've never broken up any of my relationships and I'm trying my best to break this one up but I just can't. =(

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 4:50pm
I know how you feel. I am in a relationship with a really wonderful man. I am recently divorced after a 23 year marriage. My new guy told me several times that if I ever felt that I moved into this relationship too fast and need time to "be single" just to let him know. I always told him no, I don't feel that way. And up until now that was true. Now I don't know what to do. He is in love with me. I care deeply for him but am not in love with him. Keep us posted on what happens. Like you, I have never dumped but was the dumpee. So this is very difficult.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Wed, 08-30-2006 - 11:20pm
So I've been putting off this break up for quite a while now. I have bad days and good days. Some days, I wish I wasn't with him. Other days, I'm so glad I have him. But it's just so hard, I really can't see myself breaking it off with him. Everyone around us is either: a.) breaking up, or b.) getting divorced. I'm wondering if it's a sign? Recently, I noticed that I've been wanting to spend more time away from him. Since school started last week, I've been swapped. I haven't had very much time to spend with him but I'm actually glad. I don't really miss him when I'm away. And worst of it all: I've been having a wondering eye. I'm not that horrible where I would cheat on him, but I'm consciously looking around now. Before, it was subconsciously. Now I actively look at other guys, check them out, randomly talk to them, etc. But once again, this isn't to the serious level where I would actually get involved with them romantically. And in the past 3-4 months, I've had serious crushes on other guys but never told anyone or acted upon it, but it's been killing me inside. It really makes me concerned that I could be "looking" or even "crushing" on other guys when I should be devoted to my bf!! I don't know why but some part of me wants to just be sure that I'm making the right decision by being with him... =(
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 2:40am
I am in the exact same boat... And also am in total limbo as to what to do about it. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, he treats me amazingly, and I trust him completely. But he also is the clingy type, does the same stuff yours does. And I'm an extremely independent person. And both of us want entirely different things out of life. He doesn't understand how, after 2 years, we could want different things out of life. And I also don't know what to do. I've never had a love like this. I've never had anyone love me as he does. And I feel horribly guilty for feeling the way I do. I love him and love who he is, but I just don't think we're right for eachother. I've been detaching, and he's noticing. And I know it's tearing him up inside, and I just don't know what to do either. It hurts me 1,000x worse seeing what it's doing to him. He's going through alot of changes in his life, and is under so much stress right now, and I hate myself for doing more to add to that. And he's been so wonderful to me, after I was in a car accident, he was there for me left and right. Anything I needed, since I couldn't walk. And lately, my car has been in the shop, and he's made a point of making sure that we still see eachother as much(we live a half hour apart) as we did when I had transportation, and has spent so much in gas, just to see me. It's horrible. And I feel like a horrible person for feeling this way. I completely understand where your coming from. =~(
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Fri, 09-01-2006 - 9:57pm
OMG... Your situation sounds EXACTLY like mine. I got into a slight car accident last Feb. and my bf drove me around for a month to help me out. Not to mention the million of other things he's done for me. And for all the things he's done for me, it's become so difficult to let go. But I feel the same way you do, where you can't help but feel differently. It's just so hard to put it into words, I still love him dearly, but the attraction isn't there anymore. That clingyness has driven me up the wall and I'm about to tear down that wall. It's so one-sided yet we're only hurting them more and more when we prolong the relationship. I'm hoping that you will gain the courage to do what makes you happy. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 2:11am
I can't believe that someone else is going through practically an identical situation as me right now! We've gotta keep eachother posted on this one! Last night we talked, and he even seemed to agree that things weren't going anywhere. But still isn't willing to let go at all. We were both in tears recalling the "good times" and any courage or strength I had was gone. The biggest thing holding me back is the fact that I care about him so much, I don't want to see him hurt, and I don't want to lose his friendship. He means so much to me, but this relationship isn't right for us at all!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Sat, 09-02-2006 - 11:29am
I've had numerous talks with my bf about how I'm completely unhappy. It's really sad to say all those things to him but I knew in my heart that if I didn't say anything, it would be my bad. Lately, my feelings have leveled off. I feel strongly that we shouldn't be together, but I've been "lazy" I guess about breaking it off. I've had these emotions for quite a long time now and I can't help but think that if we got into a bad enough fight, I'd just end up leaving on the spot. My tolerance for this relationship isn't here anymore. It's sad to say but at the same time, I can't help it!! I've actually told him that within a year, if I don't feel differently about my "unhappiness" (that's an understatement!) I will do something about it. But once again, he insists that he will do ANYTHING to work it out with me. What is in a challenge of a relationship if we can't work things out TOGETHER rather than he'll do ANYTHING to keep me?!? It boggs my mind so much!! Well I'll definitely keep you posted as to what happens. I'm pretty sure it's not going to be pretty. =(
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 3:39am
Same here.. I've tried talking to him about my problems with the relationship too, but he reacts the same way. My cousin is getting divorced right now, after almost 10 years of marriage for the same problem that Dave and I are trying to prevent. The kids issue. We butt heads on it, and someone close to me's marriage is splitting up from it. I'm inclined to say that it's a sign. I hate this! I love him! I just can't understand for the life of me why I can't be happy with him. He doesn't give me any reasons to not be happy. I just don't get it. There has got to be something wrong with me or something.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 3:58pm

So I just wanted to update everyone that I have broken up with him about 2 weeks ago. It was very tough, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He was pretty upset, disappointed, he feels like I've "given" up on him, and he's resentful. I have pretty much have been there for him to tell me all these feelings because I know that's the only way he'll heal. The rest is up to time... I've pretty much sat here and taken it all with a grain of salt because I know it's about time I stand up for myself and my own happiness.

So basically, everything that happened in a nutshell: we talked, I slowly bought up the subject, I stood my ground, and I made the decision clear to him. He was surprised at the fact I would be so strong in my decision but I had to stand up for what I believed in, not what would make him happy. I wasn't happy anymore and that's not acceptable under any terms. I always put his feelings before mine and that's not a good sign of a strong relationship.

In regards to my previous relationship, my lesson has been learned: don't wait until things get so bad that the both of you are miserable. If any of you are still in my previous position, there is no better time to break up!! Why?? The longer you wait, the harder it gets.