Good guy, unhappy relationship-Breakup?
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| Mon, 07-31-2006 - 8:41am |
This is my confession of my lifetime in a nutshell, so please excuse it if it's alittle long.
About 8-9 months ago, I got out of a bad relationship of 3 1/2 years. I had been with this guy since I was 17, and now I'm 21. It was a baby relationship that dragged on for too long. It was so painful but the breakup was enevitable since our problems were on-going for 2 1/2 years with no signs of resolution. He and I knew it was coming, but I was still clingy to the relationship until the bitter end. I never thought my heart could smash into a billion pieces but it did and there's no better way to describe it. I wanted it so badly to work out that I came crawling and balling back to him and he shut me down like a light switch. Almost 4 years down the drain for him to leave me for some other girl, but I swallowed the pain like a dry pill.
2 months after my break-up, I meet this wonderful guy. He's basically everything I ever wanted in a guy and I couldn't ask for more. Well-spoken, educated, cute, kind, caring, sweet, and great in bed. (Everything my ex wasn't basically.) We become bf/gf after dating only for 2 months. Days turn into months and things have drastically changed. I'm no longer happy. I can sense he's not fully happy either, but he's super clingy. Always calling, asking me who I'm with, who I'm talking to online, who's texting me, etc. It's becoming such an annoyance and it's about to drive me crazy. I feel like I no longer have part in our relationship. He does EVERYTHING for me. And in the end, I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt. I feel like I "owe" him to be in this relationship since he's so willing to work things out, give me things, help me out, etc. Our problems aren't related to the actual subject, but the fact is: I no longer feel the same. I've lost interest in the relationship and want it to end due to incompatibility and lack of compromising.
My dilemma: I don't know how to break it to him. He's such a loving guy and has only good intentions. I can't let my issues and feelings hurt him anymore than it already does. I love him dearly and can't stand the thought of stringing him along but I just can't let this relationship go on any further. I believe I didn't give myself enough time to let my issues work themselves out before I got into another relationship. I can see myself marrying someone like him, but not HIM. I've already spoken to a few of my friends and all of them say that I know what's going to happen, so why prolong it? But why am I hesitating if the ending is nearing? To break or not to break: That is the question!
Any words are of great help to me. I'm completely stuck in limbo.
Thank you for reading my post!

It sounds like you don't want to hurt this new guy, but I don't think you have any choice. And the longer it goes on, the harder it will be.
Be honest with him. Explain that you have some issues that you need to work out from your previous relationship and let him know your sorry for hurting him. Don't offer to be friends --- that will just keep him holding on. Personally I think he already seems clingy. The fact that he always wants to know what your doing and who your doing it with are either a sign of an insecure person or a possessive person. Neither is a very good trait in a boyfriend. You can't take responsiblity for what he is feeling. All you can do is be honest -- let him down as gently as possible and stick to your guns.
Your still really young. Why not take some time off from relationships and just try dating a few different people. That way you can figure out exactly what your looking for and what you want without getting in to deep.
Good luck.
Kathy
Thank you, Kathy.
The relationship in the beginning was very fair and loving, now it's just unbalanced and tiring. I tried my best to give him signals and tell him about my feelings but it never comes out right. It just turns into a point-less arguement or a conversation that escalates into slience. We're having what I call "slient arguements" and that consists of utter SILENCE when there should be a conversation. Not a single word said for hours on end when there's definitely something to talk about. - Not good. Not to mention, that clingyness of his is without reason. I pick up his phone calls every single darn time. If I miss it, I call him back when I get the chance. I never leave him hanging, nor do I give him reason to believe otherwise. I just don't understand what it is that causes him to be so possessive about me when I'm already his!
Lately, I've been feeling really burnt out from relationships. I feel this urge to be free and clear to do whatever, with whoever, whenever. I know that this relationship is going down the drain because of my behalf as well. My feelings have changed. I know what I want, but I don't want to settle for anything less than the best. At least, for now I need my space to have my fun before I settle down. I know I'm still very young and I can't help but feel that there's so much more out there that I've yet to learn and I need to do it without him. I love him dearly and I only want for his happiness, but I have to put myself first.
I've never broken up any of my relationships and I'm trying my best to break this one up but I just can't. =(
So I just wanted to update everyone that I have broken up with him about 2 weeks ago. It was very tough, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He was pretty upset, disappointed, he feels like I've "given" up on him, and he's resentful. I have pretty much have been there for him to tell me all these feelings because I know that's the only way he'll heal. The rest is up to time... I've pretty much sat here and taken it all with a grain of salt because I know it's about time I stand up for myself and my own happiness.
So basically, everything that happened in a nutshell: we talked, I slowly bought up the subject, I stood my ground, and I made the decision clear to him. He was surprised at the fact I would be so strong in my decision but I had to stand up for what I believed in, not what would make him happy. I wasn't happy anymore and that's not acceptable under any terms. I always put his feelings before mine and that's not a good sign of a strong relationship.
In regards to my previous relationship, my lesson has been learned: don't wait until things get so bad that the both of you are miserable. If any of you are still in my previous position, there is no better time to break up!! Why?? The longer you wait, the harder it gets.