Good morning

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2012
Good morning
Thu, 11-22-2012 - 8:15am

Today is Thanksgiving not going to spent it with my boyfriend because I made other plan when we broke up three weeks ago.  He ask me can he come but I told him for now I would not let my family know that we are trying to work it out again. How can I tell my sister ? that I went back with my ex? For now unitl I know we are more grounded I would like for our relatiionship to remain a secreat.

His kids are also not happy that he went back with me.. My children are also disappointed at me.. Our love ones do not want to see us together and all I can say, What do they see that we are not seeing ? It is because when we break up we are so depress ? He told me he was so depress with out me that he miss days without showing.. Now what really distrurbing that he told me last night that he wanted to kill himself.. I was depress but I never throught in taken my own life because we broke up.. I beleive that is the reason why our adults children do not want to see us together..

Happy Thanksgiving..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
In reply to: lost1968
Thu, 11-22-2012 - 7:09pm

Based on what your wrote yourself 8 days ago, I can see your adult children and family have very good reasons to wish that you did not get back with this boyfriend.  It appears that both of you have addiction problems.  It is not conducive for your to be around another addict while trying to address your own. 

And really, what do you see in him?  Or is he, like alcohol, just another one of your addictions?  I hope you have an enjoyable Thanksgiving with your family; and stop thinking about this man (or any other man, for that matter) and concentrate on getting yourself well.

Three week ago my live in boyfriend of elevn month broke it off with me because of my drinking. I admited I have a problem and I am currenly seeking profrossoal help. I understand why he left but I just don't understand after being with me and being so close to me he just left. He threw me a text this week on my birthday wishing me a Happy Birthday and that he miss me and luv me but not readly to talk yet ! Also that he not seeing anyone... Which I know is a lie because I was able to read his text log and he jump into bed with ex on the same weekend we broke up! That betrayed had hurt me so much.. Just thinking about it tears just fall down!! Anyways,What does this mean is he thinking of giving us a second chance ?  I will love to talk to him and tell him I have not had a drink .. I am currenly seeking help through my church and my doctors.. It working !! I have no desire to drink.  My closes family and friends are happy that he left because he is a pot head and they feel with him in my life and his drug problems that I would fall into drinking again if he was to come back into my life. I try to think of all the negetive about him, like he a pot head, he take other drugs sometimes, lazy he can see you that you need a helping hand and he just look at you.. best best friend with his ex wife they have no boundary ! His relationship history, his wife was the one that wanted a divorce from him after 18 years of marriage, his four year relationship he admitted his ex girlfriend was the one to dump him.. Also he can go a day without watching porn ! Like spitting on the kitchen skink aw! Let not forget DEMANDING !!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: lost1968
Sat, 11-24-2012 - 5:47pm

I wonder why you do not see that he is a bad guy for you.  From your earlier post, you said that he is a pot head, lazy and addicted to porn--of course your family wouldn't want you to be with this kind of person.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
In reply to: lost1968
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 10:34pm

lost1968 wrote:
<p>What do they see that we are not seeing ?  </p>

that sex is not a strong enough glue or reason to hold a bad relationship together.

by your own words, he has a pot addiction he has not addressed with a licensed therapist; you have barely been in your recovery program and being around someone who has not given up his vice/addiction is inadvisable--and any credible therapist will tell you that.  For his part, there is no psychological work done for you to warrant a healthy reasoned approach back to familiar territory--you're doing it out of habit that you refuse to give up.  At least be honest with yourself about that. The issues that drove you two apart have not been resolved-and a few weeks of honeymoon sex is not intense therapy, which anyone whose substance abuse was the determining factor in breaking up needs in order to recognize the patterns of behavior which drove the wedge into the relationship in the first place.

Just because you have what you want doesn't mean people in your life have to co-sign on it.  What you're seeing is that you didn't factor in all of the negative baggage that must come with it in its train with which you will have to deal if you insist upon having this particular man.

Keeping a secret about a huge chunk of your life is called "living a lie", and lies do not stay buried. The truth, by its very nature, cannot stay hidden. It surfaces when the liar can least afford for it.  You run the risk of turning your adult children against you by lying to them by omission of what you are really doing. There is nothing worse than the look in the eyes of your children when they've caught you out in a lie. If you believe right is so on your side with this relationship, then stand in that truth and proclaim it.  You also must take the butt whippin' that comes with standing in that truth--that's what adults do.