a "good" way to break up with a woman?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
a "good" way to break up with a woman?
7
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 11:17pm
Hello folks, I thought you might be able to guide me in the right direction on this. Over the past year and a half, I've broken up with two women, and in each case it did not go smoothly. I sincerely tried my best to be sensitive, gentle, and diplomatic. Lots of guys my age take the avoidance route and just kind of fade away, and the woman eventually figures out that he's no longer interested. I think this is the coward's way out, and I feel that its something that should be discussed in person, not in a letter or via phone. You need to be respectful of your partner's investment, both in time and in emotional energy, and you need to have full closure.

Despite my best intentions, however, things did not go well during each of these break-ups. My last girlfriend was devastated when I told her, and could not stop crying. My previous girldfriend was furious with me and launched into a tirade about how I had used her. Before I could get a word in edgewise, she slapped me across the face and stormed off in a huff. I know you're probably thinking that I'm dating women who are emotionally imbalanced, but they were both actually quite mainstream and normal. Are these types of reactions fairly typical of many women, or are they on the extreme side? Are there any tips you can offer on steps and techniques that should be used when breaking up with a woman? Hopefully I'll not have many more breakups, but if/when I do I'd like for things go more smoothly. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 2:19am






.** I know you're probably thinking that

I'm dating women who are emotionally imbalanced,

but they were both actually quite mainstream and normal.

Are these types of reactions fairly typical of many women,

or are they on the extreme side? Are there any tips you can

offer on steps and techniques that should be

used when breaking up with a woman? **

wow.... this is a good one, how you have chosen to

describe Imbalance and Normal.......

it seems in your post you have ether "SET"

your ex girlfriend OFF balance to "want" to

slap the crap out of you for breaking it off.

and you found just telling them in "person"

that you are THROUGH with them "SHOULD"

be taken LIGHTLY.. even after stating in your post you

KNOW there were some amount of INVESTMENT involved.

It really gets me how some men think this is just OKAY...

lies, cheating, leading on, and

pure GAMES of winning a woman's heart,

to just pat yourself on the back and

then DUMP her for the NEXT ADVENTURE ...

is just a FEW of the reasons a woman would get

Upset, hurt, angry, (or how you put it) off balance.....

a man that have RESPECT for a woman

and the women he "dates" ,

and ALLOWS them to get EMOTIONALLY

involved with him, should be able to take

responsibility for "HIS" REJECTING actions

"BEFORE" and after they happen.

from your post your seem to know you will

be dumping another woman,And need an easy

way out...... well for the sake of

another hurt woman you'll encounter, if you

really are the "GOOD" guy you want to be

in your next dumping. try LETTING the poor girl KNOW

In advance of how you feel about

"closeness" in your revolving door.

DEVASTATION in a break up is very painful....

it USUALLY means finding out The man, a woman loves,

or have GROWN to love have BEEN deceiving her.

And was NOT CLEAR with his REAL feelings about

her and his intentions.

a "TYPICAL MAN" is also a "TYPE" of a reaction

to not being satisfied with NORMAL hurt feelings....

i hope you will be able to SMOOTHLY "TELL"

the next woman you get involved

With how you feel, and if you "want" to

extend the relationship or NOT....

So she can "smoothly" decide to stay or

leave with her feelings and dignity intact.







iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 7:08am
There is not a good way to break up with a woman just like there is no a "good" way to hurt someone.

I think that your two ex girlfriends reacted so badly because in some way they felt betrayed by you, did you ever tell them that you loved them?, did you say that you would like to spend the rest of your life with them?, did you make promises?. When you break up with a woman it becomes obvious that you didn't mean any single word you said, that's why we react so badly. Everybody hates lies, false promises, hipocrisy, so why don't be honest from the beginning about your expectations on being in a relatioship with someone?.

Never say anything that you know you will take back.

Iliana

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 1:49pm


I appreciate the advice so far, but I would like to make one thing clear. In each instance, I broke up for the "right" reasons, i.e. the relationships were not working out. It was not a case of me cheating on them, using them, or deceiving them in any way. Thanks again.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 2:17pm
I would say that slapping you was a VERY extreme reaction, but that crying is normal. You have to expect that there will be strong emotion expressed, no matter how gently you try to break the news. It *hurts* to be broken up with, there's no way of avoiding that.

I would urge you to keep any reasons that you share to the "I just don't feel we are right for each other" variety, rather than specific criticisms of her. It's much better to say "I feel our goals for the future are incompatible" rather than "you have no ambition" or something like that.

Otherwise, just get it out, and leave. There's no need to drag it out.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 3:23pm
My advice would be:

1. Be honest.

2. Tell her in person.

3. Don't say "We can still be friends".

4. Tell her it's you, it's nothing she did.

5. Be ready for tears or anger - there's nothing you can do about this. She is being rejected, plain and simple.

6. Don't contact her after you break up. It will only send mixed messages.

7. Tell her she deserves someone who will give her what you can't. If the right feelings for her are not there for you, there's nothing you can do and you don't want to pretend, that would only be cheating her out of an honest relationship.

8. Be ready for more tears and anger.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:05pm
There's no "good" way to hurt someone....cause if you're breaking up with someone, it's gonna hurt her. But be honest. Try not to say confusing things. And I find the worst insult to be "but I still want to be friends". HUH??? You don't want me, but you still want me as part of your life???

Be prepared for tears and anger. You say that you have never deceived them....with my ex, I told him to never say anything he didn't really mean......but he obviously didn't mean it when he said he never wanted to leave me, that he'd love me forever.....that's what hurts, that's what ends up being confusing...it's those things that run through the head over and over again, and cause so much pain and regret and hurt.

Dude, you can't break up with someone and not expect a bad reaction. Unless it's mutual. whenever that happens. lol. Haven't experienced that one yet.

If you loved them at one point, or even just cared about them a lot, you have to know that it's gonna hurt them.

But do everyone a favour....don't try to be friends right away. she's gonna be hurting, and it's natural to turn to your friends when you're hurt....but it's so confusing to turn to your ex for comfort when it's your ex who has caused all the pain...trust me, I know.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 11:17pm
Im sorry to hear about your rough breakups. I think, in my experiences with men, breaking up with me, how a woman takes it is all in the approach. If you didnt have enough communication in the relationship and they went on thinking everything is great and you gave them the sudden blow, it may leave them confused and their responses to the blow will be much more drastic. Every woman takes a breakup differently but if they know there are problems with you and them earlier on, then the tital wave will be less damaging- if you know what I mean. It might help you out as well to keep a longer more forfilling relationship if you comunicated your issues with them through out the relationship so you can atleast give them a chance to change those aspects of themselves that drive you nuts. You may let these things build up inside of you and then leave them-thats not healthy or fair to them when you dont give them the opportunity to change.

Hope this helped