Gotta get through this..

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Gotta get through this..
6
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 12:26pm
Ok, so after a month of no postings this is my second PLEASE HELP I'M GOING CRAZY plea. I broke up w/ my ex at the beginning of February. I made a final decision to end the relationship; I stuck with it and I didn't look back. And I stuck with the "no contact" rule ever since I walked away. I consistently heard from my friends, family and co-workers -- and all of you -- how incredibly strong I was, so I've been basking in my ability to rise up from the ashes. But suddenly I'm feeling the sorrow and loss of the break up worse than ever before. The problem is since I was the walker and not the walkee I can't just hate my ex and not feel a tremendous sense of doubt and regret about my decision. The book "He's Not That Into You" just doesn't apply to me, or the others on being at the receiving end of a whole lot of garbage. I left my ex because I never felt he was quite right for me (and he was going through a lasting crisis/depression so he agreed that splitting up was the best thing for us both). So, now I'm missing him and wondering (obsessively, I admit) if I'll run into him in town, if the gray sedan that just passed by was his, if he'll contact me or if I can resist the almost uncontrollable urge to get in touch with him. How do I make these thoughts go away? I'm very into meditation, yoga, and all that healthy stuff but I don't know why he's back in my head so strongly and steadily lately. I think a lot of it involves the beautiful spring weather we're experiencing in the Northeast -- and how these days bring me back to our courtship a year ago. I'm sure this happens to many of you reading this -- you're transported back to a location, mood, feeling that reminds you of your ex and you become so overwhelmingly sad that it eclipses the current moment. We were together every gorgeous spring day last year and his absence is a huge hole that's making me SOOOO SAD instead of happy about the end of a dull depressing winter. Any tips for getting through this time? Inspire me, please.. or give me a sound talking-to.. I need to let go and don't know how. Should I try to contact him (eek, I don't think so) -- but in all honesty he wasn't a bad guy. I just know he's not the "one" for me -- and it counts this time b/c I'm in my mid-30's. He asked me to have dinner a month ago but I didn't want to get heartbroken all over again so I said it wasn't a good idea. He said he'd contact me at another time but never did. So, I've been quasi-waiting to hear from him while going through all this other stuff. Is dating the best way to get through this? Do I try to confront the ex so I get the run-in out of the way? Will these questions ever stop in my mind??? Ok, that's enough.. i'm rambling.. thanks so much everyone!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 2:07pm

catapla,

(((HUG)))

as im going through the same experience myself - i know that there isnt much that i can realllllly say to make you feel better. theres always the "it'll get better, just give it time" or "its for the best" or "youve been so strong" or "it just wasnt meant to be, let it go" or even "keep your chin up! dont think about it!" ...and in some ways, those words do offer some sort of relief, but at the end of it all - nothing seems to ever be able to numb that blinding pain...

so, i'll say all those things to you - but add in a few words as well...

i think its great that you can say "hes just not that into me" doesnt apply to you.. and i think its honourable to be able to admit that he was never hate-worthy...but most importantly, i think its fabulous that you realize "hes just not IT." im in the same boat as you ... even though my ex dumped me, quite honestly - he is into me, he will never be hate-worthy, but i guess - given our breakup, he just isnt IT for me... and its harder for us to move on and to accept things when all these forces just pull us in. id rather be able to say, "what a jerk!" or "he doesnt care."

but heres the thing - situation still remains regardless of its terms - and given that, we just gotta keep pushing through...

i think, what youre going through right now is a relapse. and there will likely be plenty of those before you find yourself actually OK. and thats alright! just let the turmoil run its course in you - and soon enough, youll find youre strength again, but even better - this time a little more!

like you - i also hate the weather right now!! oh, how it drives me NUTS to wake up, open my blinds and see a gorgeous day ahead of me. makes me want to barf, scream, cry and just close the blinds and lie under my covers all day. its so grim, but truth is - id be happy if we had a 48 hr eclipse! the weather right now just reminds me of the spring that i spent with my ex lat year... it reminds me of how much i miss him... it makes me realize that i wont be enjoying that weather with him...

i dont think you should contact him... why set yourself back?? and no - dont date unless you are ready to... rebounding is more painful when youre not ready to rebound! last summer when my ex and i broke up the first time, i started rebounding within a month and instead of making me feel better - the whole experience actually set me further back...

i hope youre day is a little better...and if not, i hope itll be a little better tomorrow. listen to plenty of music you enjoy, get yourself a little treat for today, and vent all you need!

eeksj

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 2:17pm
thanks so much. shed a couple tears at my desk.. of pain, joy, release, feeling that life is okay b/c someone out there understands me. i must stop b4 anyone sees me! THANK YOU again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Wed, 04-13-2005 - 2:51pm

dont thank me! :P

and if you gotta shed some tears...go ahead and shed them, woman! and if doing that at your work desk is not most appropriate - then wail in the bathroom :) i think trying to keep it in us is THAT much more harder and once we get that good bawl fest out, it does feel a little better even if its just us feeling tired from crying!

my days go in and out...sometimes im fine, other times im this huge wreck. its especially difficult, i find, when i need to focus and accomplish tasks... ive managed to turn procrastination into an art these last four weeks! and i think ive turned crazy.. my mind spins and my emotions seem to go in this endless whirl. i obsessively check my emails and this message board. i play things over in my mind and keep cursing at all the things that remind me of him... yes, "GOING NUTS" - would hardly describe me lol.

i hope youre days better though and if not - at least tomorrow will be a new day :) if in need of venting - feel free to drop me a line!

hugs,
eeksj.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2005
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 4:55pm
Jeesh, I think I could have written your post myself!
I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 11.5 months because, in the end, he just wasn't THE guy. It sounds so harsh, doesn't it? He was a good guy, just not the right one. *sigh*
I really miss his friendship. And I've had trouble filling the hole in my heart where our relationship used to be (it doesn't help that I moved over 300 miles from home just 6 months ago, and don't really know anybody here yet).
I miss all the things about our relationship. I miss the sharing, the support, the laughing, the traveling... I could go on. I miss the companionship.
As much as I miss my ex, though, I won't call him because it would make it that much harder on BOTH of us. So, not only out of respect for you and what you want to accomplish, but for your ex and the fact that you still care about him (as a friend), you shouldn't call if it will only confuse you both more.
And listen to eeksj... she has good advice too! :o)
Many hugs,
~S
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 9:15pm

I am probably the worst to talk to about this becasue I am going through the exact same emotions. I am just glad I am not alone. I have being trying to enjoy this nice new spring weather after a dreadful upstate NY winter but the only thing I can think about is all the memories my ex and I were making this time last year. Oh, it hurts so bad.

Please stay strong! Don't pick up the phone. Call a friend. Go for a walk. Write in a journal. If he is not the man for you, then there is no point in calling him. I know it is hard. I have been struggling to not pick up the phone too. But remember it will only hurt more when you have to say good bye again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Fri, 04-15-2005 - 4:47pm
Thanks, everyone, for all your support. The urge to contact my ex came and went. I really do miss him and feel propelled to reach out to him. But, I've concluded that there is no future for us.. I need to keep focusing on how far I've come and continue on my life's path without him by my side. I did, indeed, suffer a relapse this week. My journal and this message board have saved me from that propulsion to contact him. I wrote him a mock letter last night and read it over this morning; I thought, there is no need for me to mail this.. it will do nothing but re-open wounds. So, if you get the urge to make contact just pick up a pen or get to a computer and write it all down and let it all out. But do try not to relapse on the road to break-up recovery. Take the higher road -- the one away from your former love.