Grieve and grow girls:)
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 09-22-2004 - 11:48pm |
to refresh those of you who dont know my situation-i broke up w/ my boyfriend of over 2 years. there was ALOT of push and pull. he lied about his improper "contact" w/ ex-fiance(emails and texts grrr that said i love my girl-ugh still kills me) , i dumped him for lying knowing that i would have issues trusting him further, and i was completely devastated and a devoted regular of this board thru it all.
he begged me back and i wouldnt go b/c i KNEW it would be too hard to trust him and his intentions with me after lying (even though there wasnt a physical cheat-lying is cheating to me) and he wasnt up front about this baggage he had with her.
well, upon actually seeing her during our breakup he came to a "revelation" that he doesnt want her(poor girl is on a roller coaster too) and he said the magic words that got me back "you are the one, i want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you"
i took him back under those terms thinking ok he was confused and he now knows what he wants-there is no danger of me being hurt, we will just work thru everything and it will be worth the work cause i have him for a lifetime yay he loves me forever! ahem....that was 8 months ago.
after many explicit and implicit inquiries about marriage all prompted by me during our back togethe phase, or even just engagement-he made excuse after excuse: we need to be in a better place ect ect ect-so i waited and waited and waited-resentment and anxiety was overwhelming me-finally i called him on it and walked for a week-i was so miserable w/o him i got back-I BEGGED him back. then-i spent one week of my life w/ him and felt a feeling worse than any other-more empty promises on his part "i want to marry you im just not ready to get married today" so by going back i realized, i cheated myself. i sold myself out. i settled for less than what i wanted, less than what was promised, less than what i deserved and it KILLED ME.
i broke down exactly 7 days from him taking me back. i literally cried so hard i couldnt breathe when my guy friend (past bfriend) showed me the ring he got for his gfriend!i had major anxiety and was totally miserable to everyone around me and neglected all other aspects of my life.
i called my guy that night and FREAKED. before i freaked i made a vow to be true to me, otherwise i knew i couldnt live w/ myself. i knew i had to walk away for good and i did. that was 6 days ago.
it sucks-i hurt real bad like all of you. but there is no reason for any human being needing love to accept less. so we ask WHY WHY WHY cant this one particular person give me what i want what i need-love! why cant he love me? welp, who knows what these idiots are really thinking? its not our faults. but why let that one person determine you and your life-letting go is a difficult process and nearly impossible at times=and something that will not happen overnight, i know that. its ok. its ok to hurt, you have to hurt-that is how many artist come up with great lyrics and artworks ect. pain is a sign that we are alive-and the pain makes us better people in the end-feel the pain-embrace it-its part of you. once we acknowledge this and accept it-not fight it, its not as much of a fight-life has a strange way of working out once you throw your hands up and accept tragedies and your lack of control over them.
within acceptance i really started to "listen" to what my heart AND head tells me, im growing as a person, im learing more about me and really seeing the positives. accepting a breakup situation, accpeting your lack of power over this person frees you to "do" other things. you begin to realize your energy can be placed elsewhere where you will reap benefits for it and do things that feel good and be around people that make you feel good, NOT BAD>
im focused on grad school more, doing a much better job at work, reconnecting with good friends, leaning on my awesome family, working out, reading more, NO TV(the ex LOVED the damn television), got my hair done BLONDEY blonde (looks great), and i even have a platonic intellectual date tomorrow night (so very nervous bout that) but the bottom line is im not letting anyone stop my life anymore or define my overall attitude about life-there is so much and so many people out there that are capable of seeing the great you and giving it back. im super hurt still, but thats a scared place that belongs to me b/c i love someone and it just didnt work out-i am powerless of that now, and so what? ill pull over crying and listen to a sad song for a moment-but ill still smile and flirt with the gas station guy. i allow myself to grieve-but im also allowing myself to be aware of the growth that this has all enabled me to make-in the end i will be stronger and smarter and even more open to the next person in my life i give my love to. a failed relationship will not define my whole person- dont let him-ONE PERSON define the entire you!
i hope this helps and inspires some people-just wanted to share my ups and downs thru this.
and for venting purposes i must say the ex didnt attempt contact for a few days and now i am getting lovely texts messages about how he misses me so much-i can honestly say that even if he came with the most beautiful ring i ever saw i would have serious hesitation-its not my dream come true anymore-its just not!
hang in there girls
l, a
