Grieving
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| Fri, 10-05-2007 - 2:03pm |
No one is good at break ups, I know this.
But there are those who can get up and dust themselves off and handle it.
I'd like to be that person.
For the last two weeks I have been a wreck. And rather then getting easier it is getting worse.
I listen to all the advice here.
"He wasn't right."
"Focus on yourself right now."
"Time heals"
"Take care of yourself."
But there is no relief. The constant movie playing in my head of good times?as recent as a day before our break p?the way he turned cold and pushed me away and all the blame I am giving myself is making this break-up unbearable.
I'd like to be the girl who doesn't let this devastate her.
How can I be her?
Is it just a matter of thinking it and doing it? This is what my sister tells me.
How do I stop blaming myself? How do I stop feeling as if I was insignificant to him?
We haven't spoken in two-weeks and I won't call him. Breaking NC isn't an option. Especially because he was so cold to me at the end.
So, knowing this, am I forced to feel like this for months?
When will I sleep again?
When will I feel hopeful again?
When will I clean my apartment again? (LOL)
I would love to hear from others on your grieving process and if there is a way I can expedite mine in a way that makes it less painful or struggling.
I have a post-it on my computer that reads: Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
I love this. But how do I achieve this.

I really feel for you, but I have to say, I think you are doing one of the most important things to help you get through this faster, and that's the no contact.
Thank you for your post.
What you wrote makes a lot of sense. And I am trying to focus on myself right now, but it is difficult because I just don't have the energy to be excited about another "beginning."
I'm tired of starting over. But, i know this is what I must do.
He and I broke up because things weren't working. We were struggling and moving in two different directions. And honestly, I think we both questioned whether we saw a future with one another.
I guess the biggest difference is that I was willing to work on it, talk about it and I thought that yes, we did have something special. And he just decided NO, said some disparaging remarks that shocked me and stopped talking to me. It was as if the last year was one big fat lie.
So, I'm in a place of rejection even though it was a mutual break-up.
It is never easy, I know.
P-girl, I know exactly how you are feeling right now. You are me 9/10 months ago.
Its ironic that
Although this wasn't addressed to me, I found your posting really helpful.
We broke up 3 weeks ago, and it's one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with.
"I'd like to be the girl who doesn't let this devastate her.
How can I be her?
Is it just a matter of thinking it and doing it?"
For me, I have to tell myself I am strong. I have been doing self-talk in the mirror. "I am strong. I am capable." Seriously wierd, but helping a lot.
You said to me that we have to feel our feelings. They are all valid, and need to be felt for us to heal.
"How do I stop blaming myself?"
I struggle with this too...and I gain confidence by repeating what my highest self knows is true. Fortunately for me, my boyfriend, in his self-awareness, was able to name his reason for leaving with strength and without blaming me, so I can even hear his words. I can hear my therapists words (an echo of his words).
It is unlikely that you were insignificant to him. People distance (lashing out is often an attempt at distancing, too) from others, often hurtfully, when they cannot tolerate or cope with their own feelings and issues that the relationship brings out. It is the only way that they can do their work of getting relief in an overwhelming situation or growing, I think, and is not really about how good of a person you are or how much they did or did not love you, as much as it may feel that way.
My boyfriend grew increasingly and uncharacteristically resentful near the end of our relationship as I struggled with a difficult illness. His behavior was hurtful, but also...secondary....just a symptom of the truth inside him: he could not tolerate how he felt around me when I was sick and scared and needy and doing the things I do when I am sick and scared and needy. He COULD NOT. It was too hard. If he was capable, he would have, because he loves me so much. Perhaps something similar is happening with your ex? Is it possible he turned cold and pushed not because he didn't love you, but because he can't tolerate his own feelings of pain in this situation when you are together? He doesn't have to know that is what is happening for it to be true...I find we humans tend to get all caught up in the symptoms manifesting as hurtful interactions, and often miss the essential truths of our own struggle with issues that usually existed before we ever set eyes on our beloved...
Maybe I'm off base. This is what is true for me.
"When will I sleep again?
When will I feel hopeful again?
When will I clean my apartment again? (LOL)"
I've managed to do some of the first two...the last is a struggle, and I know I need some clean space to be calm in. Good luck!!! No advice from me there!!! :)
"I have a post-it on my computer that reads: Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
I love this. But how do I achieve this."
I am finding my way is through acceptance. Read what you wrote to me earlier today; it is brilliant. Repeat it to yourself over and over and over.
I am moving toward acceptance primarily by allowing myself to feel my feelings, releasing them when I can, and practicing mindfulness through meditation. When I need outside help in very difficult times, I talk with my counselor, or a like-minded friend, or write here.
Thank you for the wonderful gift of what you wrote to me. It lifted me out of a very low place. I wish you so much peace and healing.
Edited 10/5/2007 5:49 pm ET by claudia_l78
Claudia,
Your post is so sweet and helpful!
It's always so easy to dole out the advice, but how hard is it to believe in it for yourself.
I think I am fighting the feelings, mainly because I don't want to feel sad. And because he didn't honor the relationship at the end, so I don't feel like giving him any grieving time.
I have never had a man just give up like this.
Just "poof!" give up.
Yes. I think he just felt overwhelmed with feelings and he chose to shut down and walk away as fast as he could.
That's his right. And I really shoulnd't be so SHOCKED, because I had a feeling he was this way in previous relationships.
But, I thought we were "Special" and that I had loved him enough and made him feel comfortable with me emotionally that he woudln't run for the hills. That we could let go with love.
But, that's not what happen. And I miss him. And I feel lost without him.
Sigh. Break-ups suck. Especially at 2 a.m. :)
But, I will print out what i wrote you and see if i can listen to my own advice.
Thank you for writing to me and letting me know that my words made a difference for you.
Made my day!
I am not glad my beloved left our relationship, but I have compassion for him and his struggle. My beloved is also the panic, cut, and run type (though this leaving was carefully chosen and directly communicated -- a huge step for him that I cannot help admire and cheer on, even while it hurts soooo much!). I knew this very early on. I also know that this is how he operates in all areas of his life. How hard that makes day-to-day living for him! I believe if he could help it, he would, because he does not actually want to operate this way...and yet none of us can help but be who we are.
This love and understanding give way to compassion, and in that compassion, in seeing his struggle for what it is, I am able to glimpse truths that are most precious to me and my healing: His decision to leave the relationship was not about me. And, I was loved.
Anger melts. Self-blame dissipates. Suffering eases. Truly free of blame, I fill with compassion and loving kindness for myself now...more balm...more healing. Acceptance in these moments feels possible.
I am clearly in a strong place right now. When I am struggling, I will be reading what you wrote to me. Be well. I am certain we will find our ways through this grief.