Guilt and Being Caught Off Guard
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| Sat, 06-02-2007 - 11:13pm |
I did, kind of, "hear" from him today, 6 weeks after our breakup after 2 years when he said he did not know about me, us, our future. A sad, hard, but peaceful break. I left communication up to him; we have not been in touch since. A couple of weeks before we broke up we were at a brewrery and filled out postcards for each other that the brewery would mail out.
I kind of hoped that the one from him had gotten lost in the mail during the past 6 weeks since we broke up. But it came today and I burst into tears as soon as I saw it and his familiar handwriting. He made a little joke in it, said he loved me and signed it with my nickname for him. It was almost like it came "from the grave" as odd as that sounds. Unexpected and after 6 weeks of no contact from our breakup, I get this postcard, which he didn't send, but the brewery sent out. This means that today he probably got the one I had left to have sent to him, where I joked, told him I loved him and signed it with my nickname.
So my only contact was one set up two weeks before we broke up. I added the card to my collection of cards from him, right on top of the 2 year anniversary card he gave me 10 days before we broke up, that said how much he loved me and how happy he was with me.
On top of this, I felt guilty today. I'd had a flirtation (friendly of course) last summer with a man I had taken golf lessons with. He knew I had a boyfriend then and the instructor and I had a good rapport. I have had two lessons in the past month since my boyf and I broke up. The flirtation was back, I mentioned I was single, and was not going to take any more lessons, the lesson ran over as we talked more, and...we're planning to go for a drink this week. I feel good about it because this is a nice person, someone I know I mesh well with. And if nothing else is helping me right now get over my breakup, a drink with a nice guy and some male attention might be good. But I feel guilty about it -- that I am such a wreck every day for 6 weeks after having my heart broken, and then I get excited about the idea of this new guy. It's almost like I forgot to mourn my ex for the night. I rrealized I hadn't cried that day -- the first day in 6 weeks. And then it made me feel poorly that I had not been thinking of him. I spoke with a mutual friend this week when I was feeling sad. She comforted me and also said that he's not seeing anyone, that I know this is not about him wanting to date any one else. And then I have this guilt that I accepted a date with someone else. And I come home to this postcard in my mailbox. It just threw me for a loop -- and I have feelings of sadness and guilt at the same time.

Hi Erin,
Why do you feel the need to 'feel guilty' about not mouring one day?