Guilt - what to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2005
Guilt - what to do?
1
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 6:44pm
Hi everybody, I'm new here. This post will be rather long, please bear with me. My boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago, and after the initial shock, I was fine, and then all of the sudden, I'm thinking about it again. He and I were together our entire first year of college, and become very close. Throughout the relationship, I felt that he was not as affectionate as I would have liked (things like holding hands, or being really excited to see me), but I attributed this to his introverted personality. He's very much a loner, and I'm a people person. I talked to him when this bothered me more than usual, and he would apologize change for a little bit, and then revert back to his usual demeanor. He never came to me with any problems in the relationship. The incident that triggered our breakup was very out-of-the-blue. One day, I really wanted to hook up, and started kissing him. He did not seem incredibly into it at first, but I maintained that if he wasn't comfortable, he would say something. Although I was more forceful than usual, I felt that he could always say something if he didn't feel comfortable. After a while, he seemed into it, so I didn't think anything of it when things progressed a bit further. Afterwards, however, he became completely withdrawn and angry with me. When he finally talked, he said that he felt used and violated and was not comfortable with what happened at all. THe incident had made him lose some of his trust in me. He said that he kept sending me signs, like not doing anything when I locked the door and tickling me (trying to distract me). I told him that I had not picked up on those signs, and that I was very sorry that he felt this way. I kept apologized and was genuienly very sorry for what had happened. He said he did not feel he could tell me because I would get angry at him. Later on in our discussions, it also came out that he felt I loved him more than he loved me, and I always seemed excited to see him and that the opposite was not always true. He attributed this to his introverted nature. Naturally, I was hurt, and although I tried to make him feel better about the physical situation, I needed to talk about what he said too. Later on, I kept asking him questions about what he meant. He said he felt badgered and was tired of justifying his feelings and we broke up. After the initial heartbreak, I am OK - I realize that there are better people out there for me to be in a relationship with, and I recognize all the problems we had. However, I still feel guilty for "using" him sexually, even though I did not recognize it at all while it was happening! I recognized I was being rather forceful, but really counted on him to let me know if something was wrong. I feel I have done all I could - I apologized profusely and am genuinly sorry that the situation had to happen at all. I feel that he had some part in what happened, as well, yet I still feel guilty. How do I get over this guilt?
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 12:23pm

Ok, just to clarify - you initiated sex, with your boyfriend, he complied, didn't fight you to NOT put it inside...and him TICKLING you is supposed to distract you from wanting sex??? WHAT??? And now he doesn't TRUST you?

Sorry to say, this guy sounds messed up. You're better off finding someone who knows how to communicate and doesn't go and have sex with you and then make you feel guilty for it.

I feel like I'm missing something.