guilty!!!! can't get out

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
guilty!!!! can't get out
6
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:07pm

Dateing for 3 years, living together for one. The first two years where bliss and contrast heavily against the last year of turmoil.

We are both divorced with 2 kids each. Our kids love eachother and that is making this decision soo much more difficult.

I love him. But of course I do, he's been the person closest to me for 3 years.I do not Love the way we live together and we have very diffirent views on how to raise the children, the dog, the house ect.

Three months ago I got fed up. He was getting mad at me on a regular basis and my self confidence was taking a big hit.I kissed a co-worker, I knw it was wrong and felt horrible.When my boyfriend found out I said I would do whatever it took to make things better. But only a few days after I felt angry.I couldn't swollow my pride enough to make it up to him. I still had so much anger for the way he had been treating me. I told him I didn't think it would work. Ever since then he has been trying to convince me that things will be diffirent. We'd stop fighting for a few days, only to start all over again!!! very frustrating!!

We have broken up 3 times in the past month. Each time I end up giving in and trying to make it work again. What makes it harder though is that we live together. I can't move out until the end of the month.

Now Christmas is here!! I broke it off again 2 weeks ago and we lasted 5 days before I started crying.He took my tears as a sign that I had made the wrong desicion, despite me telling him I hadn't!! Then I became very Ill and he looked after me. He was soo sweet and I was very grateful for the help. Now he is coming to me and asking me to make a commitment! I feel trapped, when I say no he argues with me and I feel completly drained and stressed out. He says I'm ruining his life and leaves me feeling very guilty for not "trying harder" to make this work!!

I'm at the end of my rope!! I know he is hurting and that is KILLING me. But it's stopping me from doing what is best for me.What can I do/say? Please help!! I'm stuck in this viscious cycle of guilt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 2:12pm

don't feel guilty. Your happiness should matter to you most right now. If you don't want to be with him, get out. Don't feel guilt-tripped into staying in an unhappy, unhealthy relationship. It can't be worth it. You are not married to him, and have no children with him, right?? That means, the technical aspect of leaving is MUCH easier. I know the emotional part is hard, but you have to look out for you.

he is being manipulative and controlling, are you ready for this to be the rest of your life??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 4:40pm

I sympathize with your pain, seriously I do.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 9:40am
i feel the exactly same way as you. i have been with my guy for 7 years and we have 3 kids together. the past 6 years have been good but this last year has been rough. we started dating in october of '99 and he proposed in feb of '02 and we are still engaged. for the past 2 christmas's all i have wanted was for him to set a date. every time i mention getting married i get a smart remark or some stupid facial expression.finally jan of this year i got him to agree to get married in june of this year as long as we kept the price reasonable. my mom and i started planning the wedding and were trying to keep it from being expensive. we decided that the families could make the food, my parents would pay for the reception hall and for the dj, and we would get married in a local park. even after saving money on all of that stuff he still wasnt happy. all he did was complain about the amout of people, being married in the park because it might rain. every time i would ask his opinion about something he would say it didnt matter to him or he didnt have time to think about it. a month before we were to get married we still hadnt sent out the invites, bought my bress, decided who we was gonna have in the wedding or gotten his tux. i became confused about how i felt about him. there were to many things that bothered me. i tried to end things but he made me feel guilty so i decided to stay and try to work things out. we ended up cancelling the wedding. i still didnt feel any different a couple of weeks later so i started looking for a place of my own when i found out that i was almost 5 months pregnant with our third child. again he made me feel guilty and i decided to stay until after the baby was born to see if i felt any different. well i didnt feel any different and i tried to break things off again, and again me made me feel guilty and convinced me to stay and try to work things out. i have finally realized that i am not in love or attracted to him anymore but i dont know what to do. every time i try to leave he makes me feel guilty and he does that by using the kids against me. it seems like lately he is either getting mad or upset with me for something. i wish i could tell you what to do but i need the same information because i dont know how to get out of this relationship. all i feel is guilt anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 1:00pm

Wow, sounds like you knew the 'getting married' part wasn't a mutual desire and now his guilt is keeping you there. What a terrible way to live. You need to find the strenght to do what's right for you. When he turns on the guilt, you will have to be strong enough to live by your convictions....meaning you say 'that's your opinion, but not mine.' Or tell him it's not open for discussion. Don't engage in that type of conversation. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated. Consider short-term counseling to help you grow stronger.

Good luck to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 9:56am
i forgot to mention that when i confronted him about everything with the wedding, he said that he was only joking and that he didnt realize that it meant so much to me and that i would take it so personally. YEAH RIGHT! that is the excuse he keeps giving me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 11:32am

So he has an 'out' - "oh, I was only joking, didn't know it meant so much to you." And he's manipulating you. Refuse to engage him in conversation about this and do what is best for you.

"He says I'm ruining his life and leaves me feeling very guilty for not "trying harder" to make this work!!"

No you aren't ruining his life, that's another manipulation ploy. Have I got a book for you....In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People by George K. Simon.

Here's the thing, due to how much you fight and how many times you have broken up, the two of you are unable to save this relationship (no matter how hard you try) because it's broken. And without professional help (i.e. counseling) it's not going to change.

If you want to stay, then insist on counseling. If you are done, then put aside the guilt and make a list of things to do/accomplish before you move out.

Good luck to you.


Carrie