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| Tue, 01-16-2007 - 12:02pm |
First off, I know this is a board for women but I need some help. I started dating a girl about 3 months ago. She was just out of a relationship and I knew better but I let us jump right into it. Right off the bat she was bascially living with me. We got along good in the beginning but for the past month we started to argue a lot. Throughout our rlt she was still talking to her ex. He would text saying how he wants her back and he was sry, etc. She insisted that she didn't want him back and told me not to worry. Anyways we got into a fight the day before NYE. I broke it off but a day later we talked and decided to work out our problems. We were back together but it was different.She was distant, didn't really want to kiss or stay the night with me. One day I didn't hear from her all day, so the next morning I went by her house. I could tell by the way her car was parked that someone stayed at her house that night. I keep calling and no answer, then a friend of mine told me to look at her myspace page. I go there and see her ex'x pic back up and how they are together again.
I never spoke to her again, just left her a voicemail saying that she was the best liar I've ever met. Here's the part I left out, Im 33 shes 24, shes a single mother and a stripper. I make a lot of money and could have given her the world, she wouldn't have ever had to work again. I cant understand why Im so upset about this. The type of person she is and her lifestyle are turnoffs. When I broke up with her I knew we would never work but tried it again anyway. I guess it just hurts that she cheated on me with her ex who is a loser, he only works a few days a week and cant do anything for her.
I guess Im just looking for someone to tell me what a idoit I am for being tricked by this girl.

you are an idiot.
1. You are not an idiot. We don't pick the people we love. Love happens... you can't force it.
2. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Stay out of her life and don't be a part of her self-destruction unless you like pain and misery :)
3. Take care of you. It sounds to me like you feel the need to take care of someone... coming from someone who does exactly that - it's unhealthy. You are responsible only for yourself and your future children's happiness (and even then to a limit).
4. You sound like me. We both fell fast and hard... and that's part of growing. It's WHO we are. I kept things at a good pace with my recent ex... but I fell in love with him very quickly (2 months??) and I knew that I wanted to spend my life with him. Unfortunately, that glossed over and put rose colored glasses on the fact that he wanted to change me. He wanted to fix me. He wanted me to give up MY life in order to be involved in his. And I mean... family, friends, job. He loves the kids (I have three) and wants a relationship with them. The problem is that while we were together, I lived 2 seperate lives and it just killed me sometimes emotionally. I would cry... and tell him that I just wanted him to feel like a part of my life and not an accessory.
Put your chin up - get with your friends - vent here - cry - walk - eat oreos for a few days... whatever you need to do to lick your wounds. And then, take on the world and take it one day at a time.
There is a soul mate for everyone... and a best friend for everyone... it's your time to figure out what YOU need for a while instead of trying to take care of everyone else.
Good luck :) *takes own advice*
Ok, so you were an idiot, but the important part to realize is that you chose to be. Any girl who chooses to maintain contact with her ex when he's trying to get her back is trying to decide -- or playing both sides against the middle. I did the same with my cheater ex (chose to stay). I had information that would lead me to believe he was a cheater, basically his wierd comments that didn't make sense, his turning off his phone all the time, etc. I certainly knew he was a liar, that should have told me everything I needed to know.
Don't beat yourself up about the whole thing. It WASN'T YOU! She has the problem. Just make sure that next time you admit what you're getting into and walk away before you find out just how bad things will get (what I should have done!). And...if you choose to play, protect yourself emotionally a bit more so you don't get hurt too bad.
And hey, at least you broke up with her when you found out. Good for you!
Hugs.
Dev
Edited 1/16/2007 12:24 pm ET by devuchka
Edited 1/16/2007 12:26 pm ET by devuchka
Being in love or falling in love doesn't make you an idiot. And you didn't see it coming because you didn't want to see it. Her remaining in contact with her ex was a huge red flag.
::I make a lot of money and could have given her the world, she wouldn't have ever had to work again. I cant understand why Im so upset about this.
You are upset because you cared and because you wanted it to work. There is a measure of your ego involved as well. You feel you lost to a lesser man, though the prize wasn't really worth having.
::The type of person she is and her lifestyle are turnoffs.
Keep this forefront in your mind at all times.
Carrie
I see what you are saying - but it was meant to be helpful. thing is- when i say the break up was MY fault , it was MY fault that i stuck with a lsoer for 4 years - ifeel as if i am in control. if i tell my self i am the idiot who stuck around with a cheating jerk - i know i can correct my mistake.
coz for the longest time, i blamed fate, i blamed him, i blamed the timing, i blamed the girl he cheated on me with - then i realised wait this is in MY control . all i have to do is not be an idiot and not fall for such losres. or LEAVE when some guy starts pulling weird tricks on me. and if i do stay in an unhealthy relationship it is MY fault and no one else's. i am the idiot. that's how i am dealing with my pain now. and i am in a much better place than when i was feeling "victimised" and feeling that this was unfair etc.. now i say i WAS the idiot. no wonder i got cheated and treated badly. next time NO WAY.
i think one very significant step in healing process is accepting how YOU let it happen by not seeing the signs and putting up with crap when you kow you deserved more. that way you see how you played a part in your own destruction. anyway that was the point of my post. that he ( in some ways ) brought in on himself. and that's why he is an idiot. do hope this didn't offend anyone. i have got a lot of help from these boards and tried to give back on my better and stronger days. i'd hate to think that my posts were hurting someone. sorry once again if they had the opposite impact. that was not what i intended ata ll.
on another note, sandra - you've been of great help! thanks for having such a great board. been meaning to tell you that. your posts have helped me A LOT. and i've made a significant recovery just by logging on to thes boards reading healping and asking for help. infact i don't talk about it to anyone ata ll. just deal with it hrough these boards. thanks once again.
You are not an idiot. You trusted someone and they completely violated you. That makes her the idiot. Granted, the fact that she still had contact with her ex, even if he was initiating it, should have been a red flag-- keep that in mind in the future. If he wasn't getting the message to back off, she probably wasn't sending it.
I'm really sorry this woman decided it would be appropriate to screw with not only you, but her ex, and since she's a single mom, her child as well (therapy, anyone?). You can't change her opinion or make her see how great her life would be with you, and why would you want to? Instead, keep looking for a woman who will appreciate you (not just your money) and want to be only with you. Good luck!
I understand what you're saying, and I kinda "got" the whole tongue in cheek thing with the comment, so
To be fair, the OP did *ask* in his post for someone to tell him he was being an idiot, FWIW.
Sheri