had a bad setback and not coping
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| Mon, 08-08-2005 - 6:50am |
Hi all, I have had a real setback and I'm not coping very well at all in fact I feel very scared and desperate. I feel so alone and odn't know what to do or how to cope. I'm so depressed. I was doing really well untillast week when I had had to contact my ex of a few months re some court cases (I'm being sued by a couple of nutters) and he has to appear as a witness. He emailed me telling me he really missed me and then we spoke and I broke down crying and he told me that he "really loved me".
Well stupidly I thought that that meant something - that if we still loved each other and really mijssed each other after these months then we must really have something.
Just to recap my ex and I had a troubled two year relationship where he cheated on me a few times and hurt me badly. I found out a few days before Xmas that he had cheated on me for three weeks with some girl. By the time I found out he had ended it with her. But I was devastated as he had started moving in with me and we were tryign to get pregnant. I didnt' cope veyr well at all and sunk into a really bad depression, had nightmares etc. After a month or so we worked it out adn got back together - he begged me for another chance. Then about a month after that he left me!
I'm just not coping. I've been thru so much hurt and pain and I don't know if I can take any more. I feel so alone. I don't have any family and the few friends I have are sick of me and don't understand. I miss him terribly. Today we signed over some documents to finalise everythign. He won't try again. He says that it won't work out and we have to break from one another. He's probably right so then why am I feeling like this?
If he really loved me, as he says he does, wouldn't 'he try again? Wouldn't he want to be with me regardless or am I being "unrealistic" as he says I am. I know that by the way I am now, crying, desperate etc I am just pushing him away but I"m finding it hard to get it together. This time I feel so much worse and I just don't know what to do. I dont' know who to ask for help but I need help as I don't think I"m going to make it this time. I just want it to all end and quickly.
Louise

I'm sorry to hear that...would it be possible for your attorney to handle any further contact with him in connection with the court case?
One reason he may not be trying again is because he KNOWS he's just going to hurt you again, because he's not capable or doesn't want to be monogamous.
Are you seeing a counselor? If not, it sounds like this would be a good time to do so.
Sheri
The thing is that I know that he's right - so what is wrong with me?! Why do I so desperately want to try again? if we got back together it would probably just work for a month or two and fall apart again. So why can't I let go? It's liek the more he says no the more I want him back - maybe I should just commit myself?! Meanwhile my entire life, business, etc is falling apart.
I just don't understand why if we both love each other so much why we can't make it work?! Why?! Why am I having somuch trouble with this? If he really loves me as he says he does then why won't he try to make it work? However, I think that if he were the one chasing me to try again I would have serious doubts.
But then he is the one that keeps pulling me back in when he misses me. I dont' think I'm going to cope much longer, I just can't keep it together. I've been crying for three days now and since April 6 when he ended it I've taken a lot of time away from the business so it's been quite a few months that I haven't been coping. I'm seeing the councellor on Friday afternoon and have asked her to contact me if she gets any cancellations.
I was doing pretty good until I had to contact him re the court cases. Then he went and told me how much he missed me and that he "really loves" me. If he really does love me then couldn't we work it out? Or is he just playing games with me?
I am so fragile and confused I can't see straight and I am acting like a lunatic. Normally - well before last Xmas - I was a pretty strong person now I'm the complete opposite. Is it because of what I've been through?
Thank you for your advice,
Louise
I know that
Oh, Lou, I grapple with those same questions about my ex, so I can totally emphathize! The plain answer is, though, because love just isn't enough...not without him being either willing to or capable of doing what it takes to make it work. One person can't do it by themselves...it takes two willing and capable partners.
It took me 3 years and counseling to finally accept that about my commitment phobic ex (we broke up 8 years ago), in part because I allowed him to contact me from time to time and tell me how much he missed me and loved me...so I do understand how difficult it is. But eventually I got there. I know it won't take me so long to get there this time (the relationship was much shorter, for one thing) but it's still hard, going through the process.
I hope seeing the counselor helps. Hang in there.
Sheri
So what would you do differently now if you had to? Cut all contact with him totally?
Louise
It took me 3 years and counseling to finally accept that about my commitment phobic ex (we broke up 8 years ago), in part because I allowed him to contact me from time to time and tell me how much he missed me and loved me...so I do understand how difficult it is. But eventually I got there.
Yes, for sure. Getting call rejection and blocking him from calling me worked wonders; I wish I'd done that sooner. That, and started counseling sooner (I didn't go until I was two years into it).
Sheri
I know you are feeling lost but I think you are missing one piece of this equation: You. Only you have the choice and the power to decide how you want this break-up to affect your life. I know you are hurting but the main things that stood out from your posts was how this is affecting your business, your life, your future. IMO, THAT is what you should be focusing on right now. Not some guy that cannot be trusted. Does he love you? Maybe he really does, but he has made it pretty clear that he isn't coming back. So there are no "what ifs?" or lingering questions. The final answer is clear. Now it is time to pick up the pieces and move on.
Please ask your counselor for a depression-screening test. It seems that you have not been able to focus on getting your life back together and depression could be the cause of that.
Take care of yourself and best of luck!
-adc
-almostdoesntcount
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Hello!
I believe you posted to my post, 'Wedding Cancelled'. I really feel for you. Thank you for reading my posts and posting your thoughts.
My family and few people I talk to are sick and tired of hearing about my broken heart. I can't say my Mom is, she is the only one who constantly listens and tries to help me. So needless to say, I lock myself in my apartment each and every day alone and cry.
I don't know exactly how you feel, since you said the one you are in love with cheated on you. I am very hurt and sad now, since my relationship was in very good standing for the most part.
But I do know that the one thing that would take me away from all of this, is if he had cheated on me. If he would even be sleeping with someone now I would never want to think of him again. Of course I would. But then I think that somehow, I would still miss him and want him back and think he'd realize what he gave up and come back to me. So I cannot actually honestly say I'd be over him even after something like that.
Just please, time is your best friend. I keep telling myself that over and over again. Time is the only thing that will heal my broken heart.
The other thing is not to talk or be associated with him. I know you had to. I still have to contact my ex sometimes because he won't come and get his crap. And I am too nice to just throw it away or cause bitterness. I am really trying to be a good person in all of this and refuse to let my anger get the best of me. Believe me, I am pissed off and hurt beyond belief.
But no contact is the best. This is very painful too. I was reading an article on dealing with stress and pain. You need to take care of yourself physically. I just decided to fast for a day. I read that it not only clears your body of toxins, but also helps to clear your mind as well. Take care of yourself. Try to eat a little better, exercise. Get good rest. Listen to good music, something that inspires you, not something that will make you think of him. (no love songs!!!) Watch a good inspirational movie...(no romantic or love movies!!). Read a good book! Give yourself some quiet time. Take in a change of scenery. Go for a long drive and crank up the good music. Sing along and cry! Scream and yell if you have to! Rock out to some angry music and let it all out. And vent your feelings. I go to my-diary.org and vent my most angry and hurtful emotions on there. I believe down the road I'll be able to look back on them and hopefully not feel so bad. Get some hobbies, go on a small vacation. Get out of bed each day and plan it out. Do things to get him off of your mind.
Also, be positive. It's hard, but think differently. Don't critize or gossip, focus on people's good qualities. Change your way of thinking. If you start to get angry or think bad about someone, stop yourself. Talk about your feelings to someone. Vent them out on this board. Listen to others. Read their postings. Help them like you helped me! It makes you feel good!
Most importantly, be patient. Time will heal your wounds. I thought I was ok for a week or so. But the past few days I feel like dying! But I decided to fast. I have called my Mom, talked to her. Wrote out my feelings. Read, watched some tv. Did some stuff around the house. Wrote emails, did everything I could to get him off my mind. I know it'll come back. God, I miss him so much!
Don't dwell on past mistakes and failures. Learn from them and try to move on.
Don't wallow in self-pity. It's hard, believe me I know.
Some things are beyond our control, and we have to accept them.
Be more goal oriented!
Think positive. Don't resort to drugs or alcohol. It will only make things worse.
You have to accept stress and pain as a fact of life. Learn to live with it. It is so hard, I know. I do really know.
Focus your mind on others instead of yourself. If I can help someone, how wonderful would that be? Very wonderful.
Listen, you're worth more than you are giving yourself credit for. You're a wonderful person, who did not deserve to be cheated on! You deserve a man who will love you and only you. Who's eyes won't wander. Who won't be thinking if you're good enough for him.
Well honey, you're too good for this guy. And I know you miss the memories and the love you had with him. But he has moved on and you need to as well. If you need anything at all, or anyone to talk to , you can always talk to us or you can email me! My email is noah_snugs@yahoo.com. Anything you need to ask or advice or to vent about, I will be there! Hey, I'm unemployed and at home alone all day, so I have the time and I understand your hurt!
Don't take this post as being harsh, but you need to take care of YOU!
You don't deserve this man.
He definately doesn't deserve someone as loving as you!
Help others, and you'll feel better. And in time, you'll really feel much better. Time will heal your broken heart. But you need to be angry with him. If he loved you , why would he do this to you? Why would he make you feel this way? WHY! I dont get it! He's a jerk! A real jerk, who missed out on something to feed his horniness! Get that jerk away from you and realize you're better than that and you don't derserve this!
You're too good!