had to get this out (lengthy)

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Registered: 12-04-2006
had to get this out (lengthy)
8
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 9:15pm

So I pretty much found this board after the worst of the breakup drama seemed to be past me. I've never really shared the specifics of my story, but after the events of this weekend I felt like I had to get some perspective. My ex and I were together for 3 1/2 years. We were definitely considered at two different points in life, but we had a lot of chemistry and fun together. When we met he was 25 and going back to undergrad since he flunked out. He was waiting tables at a restaurant here in our city. I was 28 and finished with grad school and in a really terrific job that I loved. Those first ten months my ex, N got back into school and was such a terrific partner. We ran together, went to plays, dinner, talked about our future of moving to San Diego once he was finished with school. It was really great. He talked a lot about us moving in together and how I had motivated him to get his life back on track. I put the breaks on move in talk for awhile because after only that short of time I didn't think we were ready. We talked about it again at 15 months and it felt really right. There had been a few disagreements between us over minor things, but nothing major. The only thing I really noticed in those times of disagreements was that he didn't argue well. He was always turning the conversation around to take the focus off the main issue and try to blame me for things. When I didn't allow this and told him I wasn't putting up with his blame, then he would get so frustrated at trying to communicate with me that he just would shut down and cry.

Once we moved in together it seemed like things changed a lot. He stopped making time for us the way he used to. He was moody, irritable, etc. - not all the time but enough that I noticed. There was such a difference in his highs and lows that I wasn't sure which was the real N. Thinking back on it, it was very strange. He would be fine for weeks where he would plan dates or bring me flowers home when he got off of work, then be despondent and uncaring again. He also was struggling in school. He was finally going back full time with 15 credit hours and he acted like it was the worst thing in the world. He would stay up 4-5 nights a week and play video games until 3am, then make so much noise around the house about a paper deadline that I would wake up. I never offered to help him, but I did buy him some books on time management and being an adult student. I NEVER said anything negative about his behavior. I just tried to get him to see how he was sabotaging himself. He depended on me a lot that fall, and I talked him through it all. In January, things got worse. I lost funding on a federal grant that was paying my salary and was suddenly unemployed. I was so stressed, and when I came home and told him about what had happened he said, "You have a Master's degree. You will be fine. Let's not dwell on it all night". I couldn't believe it. It didn't feel like support. It felt like he was telling me to shut up about it.

Anyway, by February I had found a job that paid well, but that I hated. I also couldn't work from home a lot like I had in my earlier job, and I think he felt abandoned. I worked 10-11 hour days and he worked nights. In fact, by the end of February he had stopped going to class entirely and we had some bitter fights about how our entire future was changing if he didn't finish school. In the end, he just flunked out. He didn't withdrawal and try to get any money back. He just gave up. By now he was 27-years-old and floundering through life. Frankly, I was fine with him not getting a degree. He talked about massage therapy school, realtor's licensing, becoming a manager at the fine dining restaurant where he worked. I just wanted him to do anything that made him happy. He hated waiting tables and he hated the hours.

Over the summer of that year I decided to get another Master's degree. There just wasn't a lot of job prospects in our city with my specialized skills. I was working full time at a very difficult job (60 hours a week) and then taking 6 graduate hours a semester on top of that. He did nothing. He never once asked me about my classes - not ONE SINGLE TIME. And you know what's ridiculous? I didn't even think about this until after we broke up. I was getting more and more used to being ignored by him and I hadn't even thought about it. Even thinking about how I let him treat me makes me furious! The last year of our relationship was a roller coaster. Caring and attentive N for a few days, then sullen and unhappy N for a few weeks. Ever semester he would talk about getting back in school, but never do anything about it. I was so busy that I pretty much felt like I had to focus on me just to survive his indifference. Towards the end he picked fights and was hateful. We broke up last May because I tried to talk him into going to therapy. I told him that all the unhappiness he had experienced over the course of the year was because he was unhappy with his choices in life. He needed to find that path again. He goes, "no, I'm unhappy because I hate coming home to you. You make me feel bad about myself. Dating you has made me lazy and complacent". WTF??? I was completely distraught and confused. I never begged him, but I tried to get him to notice his patterns of depression and that he hadn't put much effort into his life the past year...so of course he wasn't getting anything good in return. From me or academically/professionally. We had to live together another three weeks before he could find a place to live. In that time I found out my mom had breast cancer again. He has still never once called to ask me how she is or if she is alive (wow - typing that makes me really upset).

He owed me money, had no savings, was broke really. About two weeks after our breakup I noticed he was talking on the phone a lot in the spare bedroom where he was sleeping. I could tell by the tone of his voice it was to a girl. He also moved in with a friend of mine (guy) before I even knew about it. He told this friend (C) I was fine with it. Once there, he told C and his fiancee that he wouldn't be around much as he had met someone great and would be staying at her place a lot. That's how he wanted me to find out. He couldn't even tell me to my face. B*stard. C was horrified, but felt weird about asking him to leave because he had yet to see how hateful N could be. He realized it though once N was always three weeks late with rent, and skipped town for awhile once over the summer when it was due.

I'm not sure I can even go into all the painful things he did those first few months of the breakup. He redirected the bills to his new address and would not get the cable or electric put into my name. Then, once I paid him for the bills he never paid the companies and I sat at home for 36 hours this summer without electric or cable. When I confronted him about it he said he had been house sitting out of town and must have gotten the bills while he was gone. I paid $700 to have them reconnected. It was more than just one month late. He refused to get my new washer and dryer back from his brother and dodged my calls about it. Finally, his brother felt so bad about it he brought it over to me. He would not get some things he had left at the house, and refused to return the key even three weeks into the new month for which he wasn't paying me rent. I was just so shell-shocked I honestly didn't know how to respond. I would call to try and work out the bills or to force him to get his things, but all he wanted to do was talk about how wonderful his new life was and how he had met someone. He was 28-years-old and dating a 22-year-old girl who had just graduated college. She waited tables like he did, and I think he didn't feel as threatened by her. He would say little things here and there to make me jealous, but then get pissed at me if I mentioned my awesome new job or trips that I had taken. It was like I was not allowed to be happy or in a good place. I also realized as I would drive to work that his rebound lived about two blocks from where we shared a house. I would see his car parked outside her apartment. God, everything was just so painful.

Then, out of nowhere he shows up on my porch in August to pay me money and wanting to talk. Like an idiot I let him in and he was all over me telling me he dreamed about me, and missed me all the time. I made some comment that obviously his rebound relationship was over, and he thought he could just come back. He instantly got mad, and kept repeating, "no, I love her. I'm supposed to love her". It scared me at how robotic he was behaving. There were so many other things that were said, but essentially I had to ask him to leave. The next day I felt awful for kicking him out. I knew it took awhile for N to open up and get things out. I worried that I hadn't let him...or me. It had been what I wanted for so long, but once it started it just hurt more. I couldn't go back from all the horrible things he did to me. I was in pain too, but I never lashed out at him. I never said all the mean and hateful things he said to me the entire summer. I tried to behave with some dignity. Except for two emails back and forth about his inappropriate behavior and telling me I was the best sex he ever had, we didn't have contact. Then, last night a text while I was out with my friends. They could tell I was upset, and my friend Nicole tells me this story about how she and her fiancee were in his restaurant a few weeks back and he told them he was doing great. "We're moving to San Diego in a month and I'm going to take online classes through Univ of Phoenix. I'm really excited about it." It instantly made me furious. Through this whole breakup he has taken this girl and just placed her in my role, and now he's back in school all happy and moving to the one place we had decided together we wanted to live. I'm just sick about it today. I have more self-worth than to think his newfound relationship is any better than ours. It will crash and burn just like ours did. He's very sabotaging of any happiness he is able to create for himself. He's hinted at it in other areas of his life before he met me. I don't even know why I'm upset. I just felt like I had to get all of this out or it would consume me. I've been seeing a therapist since the summer, and I know a good bit of my sadness is not that I miss him but because the person I fell in love with changes so drastically and turned out so different than what I though the was. I’ve also read a lot of relationship books and books about commitment phobic people. He seems to fit the classic case. When we broke up it was the coldest experience I’ve ever felt from someone. Once he decided he was done with us, he refused to be even a bit nice. I know he was in pain, but it’s no excuse from a grown man. I guess I just had to type it all out. I thought I was doing better (even dating some) but the move to San Diego has really made me upset. He's repeating all of his old patterns - depending on someone else to make him happy and motivate him. My only consolation is that he is no longer my problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Fri, 03-02-2007 - 1:58pm

I hope that typing it all out is the first step to letting it go.

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Registered: 12-04-2006
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 8:41pm

Thanks, Sandra. I would have to say that instead of the first step in getting over it, I think it's the last. It finally feels like I'm letting it all go, and returning to my old self. The woman with a killer sense of humor and a positive outlook on life. She's been dormant for awhile, I think, while my mind spent time on the absurdities of people. However, I've made the conscious decision that this lost, desperate, hateful person will no longer hurt me. I gave enough of myself throughout the relationship, and I don't plan on giving anymore now that it's over. Every little thing he did during and after the breakup felt like a punch in the face. This last bit of information is par for the course, and I'm excited that once he moves I won't be worried about running into him.

Thanks for the kind words. It's eery how well you pegged him just from that post. As the details have all come out in therapy my therapist has said much the same things. It helps that friends and family noticed these sabotaging ways in him as well.

Thanks again,
Car

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Registered: 02-25-2007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 10:06pm

Running girl...

Honestly your story (with the exception of the money) almost literally just happened to me, except when I made the move and found a job I found out he was cheating on me the whole time. I can imagine that it made you feel so much better writing it all out. I found this board a few weeks ago and it makes me feel so much better. There's nothing wrong with you and it's not your fault. He took the easy way out. And, just like with my ex, it sounds like he relied on you to solve his problems and be his "rock" (whether you wanted that role or not) and blamed you when you weren't able to "fix" him (again, not your job) so he found a replacement for you. My replacement has the same name, job and lives a mile from where I used to live before I moved in with him. It's disgusting and painful and we don't deserve it. And like you, I'm successfully professionally but now I'm back to square one with my personal life. Heck, I was even going to change my name back to my maiden name (I'm a teacher and didn't want to change it originally bc of the kids...divorced in my early 20's...stupid stupid stupid marriage) anyway...his words in December...why change it back when you're just going to change it soon when we get married? All the while he was cheating.

It's disgusting how they can just cast us aside, find a replacement and move on with their lives. According to my friends, they'll realize one day when it's too late. That's all well and good and most likely true, but now while they're off living the life, we're here fighting back tears as we type and having trouble with any new man that may appear on the horizon.

Your post just really hit home for me. I wish you all the best.

~Kelly~

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2007
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 10:16pm

Any good relationship books to recommend?

I thought of something else after I posted...the idea that I still get sad even though I'm disgusted and done with him. I cry because I miss him but not in the literal sense. I'm mourning the loss of him...it's almost like he died because the person I knew and loved and was planning a future with together no longer exists. The whole things has really shattered my faith in men and relationships.

~Kelly~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 03-04-2007 - 10:19pm

Sounds like a plan :) Funny enough, this last year has been one of introspection and full-scale self-evaluation for me, too. And I think i'm ready to rock n roll, now, much like you seem to be. Keep us all posted on your progress.

....."It's eery how well you pegged him just from that post."..... I'm good that way ;o)

Peace,

~~.: Sandra :.~~


CL- Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

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Registered: 12-04-2006
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 9:49am

kelly0393,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I remember what those first few months were like, and all I can say is remember that this displacement you are feeling is all brought on by him and not you. DO NOT beat yourself up over his issues. I've read probably four or five "breakup" books, but the ones that truly helped me were the ones that explained his behavior. I really needed some insight into that because I obviously never got it from him. Once I had that explanation, I was able to move on and identify the things I will never allow in my next relationship. The first really good one was Emotional Unavailability by Bryn C. Collins. It brought into sharp focus his biggest issues, and why I stayed. Recently, I've read Men Who Can't Love by Steve Carter and Julia Sokol. It explains why people don't necessarily see the signs of their commitmentphobic partners until much later. I know with my ex he was the most loving person....until the relationship took more effort on his part, then he was irritable and lost. At that point he shutdown, which in retrospect I know wasn't my fault either. He has a history of avoiding things that take effort and responsibility(defaulting on school loans, not paying state tax, never maintaining friendships).

Good luck with everything. I hope those books help you.

Car

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 7:48pm

Good god. Were we with the same guy? You described S precisely. The moodiness, the almost eerie robotic way he would be re: things he'd say, the video games, and on and on. I just can't believe it.

I also am successful professionally, although we are both attorneys, I work in private practice and make about $20K more than him. That, along with a number of other things, I'd always suspected as making him feel worse about himself by being with me...what could make a guy stop being like this? Why is he like this?




Edited 3/8/2007 7:54 pm ET by loveandsomeverses
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Registered: 12-04-2006
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 9:43pm

I've asked myself that a lot. I think people enter into relationships for many different reasons. Some are healthy about it, wanting to give and get love and support, while others (like maybe our exes) begin relationships to distract themselves from their inner demons. My ex was really good at creating this facade of maturity, but the closer you got to him the unhappier he was and the more his insecurities would manifest themselves. The fact that I was happy and engaged in life ate away at him and made him lash out at me when his life had any kind of hiccup. Blaming me (and anyone else within reach) was more comforting and easier than to face the bad decisions he had made in his life. I beat myself up at the beginning of the breakup trying to figure out what I could have done differently, and I replayed a lot of our interactions throughout the relationship. Was there a way I could have been more supportive? Was I sweet enough to him? Did I pressure him for things? It was exhausting to be thinking like that.

I understand the need to feel like equals in a relationship, but my ex was given every opportunity over the course of his adult life to get it on track. Endless hours of video games and poker is not the way to do it. I still believe therapy would work wonders for both my ex and yours. Maybe it would prompt them to actually be real men.