Had a lapse, I am pretty upset...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Had a lapse, I am pretty upset...
2
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 5:00pm
I was with my ex for 3.5 years. We are both 24. The last year and 1/2 we were commuting long-distance since I moved back to my home town after college. It was only an hour away however. At first since I didnt work weekends I could stay with him for the whole weekend. Later on I switched jobs and I could only see him about one night a week between our schedules, he worked two jobs and had class. So it had gotten pretty tough. I have to admit that he had previously broken up with me 3 times before over the 3.5 year period. But it was always short 2 weeks to a month and he'd always convince me he had made a terrible mistake and he wanted me back.

Well, this last breakup caught me completely off guard. He'd been upset about the death of his grandfather and had become a little withdrawn from me focusing more on work and school the last week or two we were together. I was with him the night befor ehis Grandpa's funeral and he freaked out on me saying he wanted to be alone and it was a bad night for me to be there...etc. That following weekend he told me he could come up to see me and I was so excited. I could hardly contain myself since he hadnt been able to come see me for a while and I had been going down there all the time. Well, he showed up and the look in his eyes was awful. He broke up with me. I didnt know what to think, I could hardly believe it. I just didnt see it coming. We were always so close.

So I never contacted him after the breakup. A month passed and I still had never called him, he never called me. I kept very busy with work and went out with friends all the time. If I felt real upset Id stay the night at my parents. So this Tuesday I get a call at 2am. He says he missed me, that its so hard being apart...blah, blah, blah. I didnt cry I didnt get mad, I kept telling him we just cant talk. Well, after that night I fell apart. I felt sick to my stomach everyday. I kept thinking about him. I remembered things I'd put out of my mind. Saturday night I couldnt take it anymore, Id been out and had a couple drinks with friends and came home and called him. We talked until 3:30. He said again how much he missed me, but that he never wants to get back together with me only to break up with me again. He said he doesnt want to jump into things and he wants to make sure that his missing me isnt just breakup sadness or if it is beacuse he needs to be with me. THEN I told him I wanted to see him, he drove here (an hour drive) to see me and got here at 4:30 AM. Im sure you know what happened. But the first thing he did was come in and drop his bag and hug me and he just held me for a long time. It felt so nice. We kissed and cuddled all night and morning but then he had to go back for work. I guess in the back of my mind I was hoping hed changed his mind.

When he left yesterday it opened up everything again. I cried literally all day except when I was with my friends and my sister came to stay with me later. I remembered all the little things like eating dinner together and naps...and everything I suppressed after we intially broke up. I talked to him later that night and he said the same thing...he just wants to be sure. I still dont see how he could have been here and we could have had such a beautiful time and we can love each other so much, but it changes nothing. I guess hes just a man. He said he was so sorry he had to put me through this and he wishes he could just fix it but he cant just jump into it this time, he needs to make sure.

I know now that I have to move on again, to put it aside and not talk to him anymore. But he dug up everything and now it is so hard. It's like I lost all of my rationality when it comes to this. I wont call him, like before but its so hard. Its so hard to let go of someone when you know he never tried to make it work, he never discussed any problems with me or anything. I just feel like I always give it my all so why couldnt he have tried a little bit??? I just wish it wouldnt have to end because I love him so much. It just makes it so hard to understand...

Any advice on getting back on track again or anything??? It just hurts so bad...

Sorry this is so long, and thanks for reading!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 5:40pm
Ok. Take a deep breath. You had a setback but thats ok. You need to think about this.........this guy hasnt changed or anything, he is just starting to feel the loss of the great girl that you are! Dont let him get to you..........Him saying that he isnt ready to jump into things just means that he is trying to play with your emotions and string you along. DONT LTET HIM>DONT FALL FOR THIS. He is trying to fool you. I gave it all to my ex.......did everything for him, he didnt do a thing for be but break my heart. You should get a new hobby.....and do it when you feel low. My fave think pst break up besides eating sweets is to read romance novels........and think about how awful your ex was and how sweet the man in the novel is.......you will feel a bit better......I know its hard. I am the same way. I want to call or email my ex so BAD. But I know that if I do I am being weak and when he doesnt respond, I know he wont, I will feel stupid and if he does respond, I will be waiting by the computer or phone til he does while he is out having a blast! Dont give in. Its like a craving but.......take a short walk......read......exercise, anything to get your mind off of him. But please dont let this guy win.......he says he isnt ready, he is ready just not for you. He wants to string you along and have control.........stay focused ok? Its hard.......real hard but the right thing to do always is...........but when you feel better, and you will, you will be glad you didnt give in!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 8:41pm
Chloe-

First of all, don't beat yourself up because you had a relapse. If you ask anyone on this Board, they'd prolly tell you they've had one, two, or more themselves... me included. The key is to acknowledge this (and you have!) and learn from it. From what I've read, your X is telling you that he is not ready for another commitment with you at the moment. I don't know your X personally so it's hard to say whether he is stringing you along or he honestly wants to take things slowly. My suggestion is to keep your emotional & physical distance. If you were to continue seeing him -even on a weekly or bi-weekly basis- this won't allow you or him the necessary space to determine whether you're missing the comfort of the relationship or wanting to resume the relationship because you can't live w/o the other. BIG difference.

In the meantime, don't sit idly waiting for your X to come 'round... literally or figuratively. Hang out with friends or your parents/family on your off time. Take up some sports or voluntary work. Take some fun classes. Just don't wait, esp as your X is essentially saying "No guarantees."

Take care,

Claire