had therapy today

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2005
had therapy today
1
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 4:52pm

Dear all,

I'm currently reeling from a brief relationship. I've been struggling with it because it is the first time I slept with someone before I had fallen for him. I was physically attracted and persuaded that he had true feelings for me. Anyway, I also thought that because I didn't know him that well, I could have a physical relationship and walk away relatively unaffected. Boy was I wrong. This episode is the catalyst that brought me back into therapy and I had my first session today.

I just wanted to pass along some of the insights I drew in the hopes that it will offer the rest of you some comfort or acceptance. For my particular situation, she said the degree of pain and emotional confusion has nothing to do with the length of the relationship. The fact that I did grow attached (specifically when I poured my heart out to him in an attempt to keep things from ending prematurely) is a huge part of why I am struggling so much. It's okay, it's natural, and nothing to be ashamed of. The pain is also connected to my disappointment that he became so uncommunicative and cowardly at the end (by resorting to email communication and voicemail), which went against the persona of openness and honesty he'd created.

She told me to stop minimizing this or punishing myself for feeling hurt. Recovering from a breakup is not a linear process and you'll have good days and then all of a sudden something painful will appear when you least expect it.

We also kept the focus off of him. It really doesn't matter what his intentions were or why he handled things so poorly at the end. The only thing that matters about him is that he's not the right guy for me. Regardless of his personal issues, it's inexcusable that he treated me with such disrespect and this reason alone is why I need to place him in the past. One of the big revelations was that this relationship is no longer about him or him having a place in my life, but what I have and will learn about myself as a result of it.

Another reason this has been so difficult is I've felt very alone since moving to this town a few months ago. I have no support system in place and no community nearby. So we talked about the upcoming holiday and she asked me why don't I just go home early this year? I said because I have work to do and I don't want to wimp out by running home. She said right now I'm in a very tender place and there's no need to "tough it out" just to make a point to myself. The change of scenery would do me good, I could take my work with me, and surround myself with friends and family. I thought, yes why would I deprive myself of that? So I am wrapping things up here and will head home a week early.

After reading this, I realize this simply condenses what many have already said. There are some sharp cookies out there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2005
Mon, 12-12-2005 - 5:24pm

Hello,

Although I have friends here in Hawaii, all my family is back in Japan. It's been hard to see this holiday season coming after my ex broke up before this period of the year. I was in your situation whether I should go back home for the Christmas and the New Year. I thought I had to stay here because I needed to keep looking for new jobs and couldn't waist time to go home. But my friends and counselor told me it wouldn't hurt me to go home for a little while. My parents kept telling me to come home to spend the New Year together. After long thoughts, I decided to go home for the holiday. Truth is I'm still not sure if I made the right decision, but I just go home.

Have a warm and wonderful holiday with your family!! Mele Kalikimaka!!

Aloha,
Tomo