Had a weak moment.. just need to vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Had a weak moment.. just need to vent.
1
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 5:22pm

Well, I thought I was getting better.. somehow I found the strength in me to ignore my ex's IMs for two whole days. But then.. I guess I realized that I was lying to myself and I wasn't as strong as I thought I was and I gave in and wrote back. So I wrote back, replying to his question, as well as asking him something in return.. I even added a link to something that was funny between us when we were together (maybe that was going too far). Well.. I sent that email on Tuesday and he hasn't written me back yet. This bothers me for so many different reasons. Part of it is that I feel angry because I think he's ignoring me in return now because I ignored him first.. but then, I think how pathetic I am that I even think that he's thinking about me. I'd like to think that he's just angry at me and doing it on purpose because then at least I know he still thinks of me. But I don't think it's that.. he probably just has better things to do with his new girlfriend than waste his time writing back to me. I know I sound so crazy but I just can't believe what this has done to my head.. we've been broken up for a month and I don't think there's been a single minute that has gone by where I'm not thinking about our relationship or wondering what he's doing with his girlfriend. But more than anything I just want to know what's in his head.. I want to know if he still feels anything for me or if he's completely done with me and he's alright with that. This feels so awful and I see no end in sight. I've thought of writing him a really sincere letter about how I feel for him - just completely spilling my heart out to him. But I'm afraid of what I'd get in return. I mean, now I can read the letters he wrote when we were together when he said absolutely nothing would ever come between us and believe that he still feels that way and someday we'll end up back together.. but, if he tells me that he doesn't mean it anymore, I think I will just die inside. All hope would be gone. At least I can still pretend that he still loves me. I'm just looking forward to the day when we're back together and I tell him it was his letters that I read that kept my hope alive and he'll be so happy that I held onto them. Ahhh... like that'll ever happen.

Anyways.. just needed to get that out.. I feel like I've been going out of my mind. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 3:37am

I hear ya. It's been about a month for me too and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about him and feel intense sadness. I drive myself crazy wondering if he misses me as much as I'm missing him. He hasn't tried to contact me, so the only conclusion I can come to is that, no, he doesn't miss me as much as I miss him. Knowing this kills me inside, but I also realize that it's sort of a blessing in disguise. I'd probably be weak enough to go back to him if he showed any interest in doing so. And interestingly enough, knowing that he probably doesn't love me anymore makes it a little bit easier to move on. It's like, "What's the point of holding on?"

My advice to you is to try to emotionally move on. It seems like you're clinging to the hope that things might still work out. I think hope is one of the hardest things to get over. There are days when the hope is still alive within me as well, thinking, hoping that we'll get back together one day. But as more time passes, the hope dies a little more. I know I will hit a milestone once I get to a point where the feelings of hope are completely gone and I can start moving on without looking back.

I know the "no contact" thing is hard. Just when I thought I was getting used to it, last week was the hardest. There were many days when I so desperately wanted to call/text/IM him. It was incredibly hard forcing myself to not give in. But each time I successfully stop myself from giving in, the better I felt about myself. It's still hard as hell, but slowly, I'm getting to where I need to be.

Anyway, good luck to you. The holidays make it harder I think.