handling son's breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
handling son's breakup
4
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 12:16pm

My son is breaking up with his girlfriend of 2.5 years. (He is 16, she is 17)
She has been the daughter I never had, and I love her dearly. Due to her parents
"strictness" (she is not allowed to date) her parents have no idea
about what is going on, and she feels she can't tell them.

So, pretty much, I am the only one she can turn to - to talk about things.

I want to help her get through the heart ache, but I don't want to
give her false hope. She thinks she can "fix things" and all will be
back to normal again.

I think my son (who isn't fully opening up to me yet about this) is
ready to move on... at least for now. He says he loves her dearly, but just
"can't do it anymore". I feel they both need to grow up a bit, and will
eventually be back together.

How involved do I get?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2007
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 12:34pm

Ask your son what he thinks that you should do...

Personally I wouldn't recommend being involved at all - however they two of you may be friends in spite of the relationship she had with your son.

I would not have her come to your home if he's here... and I would try to motivate her to find new interests and to get involved with something she loves to do.

One of my best friends is my brother's ex-girlfriend (he's married now) from college. Another is his high school g/f. (I wasn't close with them when they were dating him though... our friendship developed as adults) and... the other is MY EX-SISTER IN LAW.

I love these three women, as they are my strength. And, they don't sit around and long for my brother! As a matter of fact, the two of them still talk to him and have visited with him and his wife and daughter. And he does the same when he's in town. As for my Ex-SIL... she hates her brother. But that has nothing to do with me!

I would like to say that there are no rights and wrongs. Just stay out of their relationship and be supportive of her as objectively as possibly and as I always say - be honest. Don't cross talk between them...

how hard that situation must feel...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 12:35pm
That's a tough place to be. I have an 18 yr old and I'm trying to think of how I would handle it. Have you approached your son from the standpoint of getting his opinion on how he would feel if you remained friends with her?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 7:37pm
for my honest opinion...i think you rather not involve yourself beside by doing that ofcourse you dont wanna look bad right??? by making him like a mama's boy....his 18yrsold...he knows what to do.....let him decide what he want not what you want...just imagine to put your situation on his...isnt you will feel bad if your parent are being so annoying esp in term's of relationship...LET HIM BE INDEPENDENT!!!! GOOD LUCK
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 8:54pm

Thanks for the input.
I did ask my son (who is 16) if he minded if I continue to talk to her and he said he doesn't mind, as long as I don't lie to her -- which of course I will not.

My son is not good at communication - their first huge problem, and she is not good at listening (only hears what she wants) -- so i'm trying to be a sounding board for them.

She and I are friends outside of their relationship
(we go to the movies, shopping, and dine out) --
and since she does not have her mother to talk to about this - and does consider me her "second" mother, I play to help her get through this the best I can.