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| Mon, 11-22-2004 - 1:28am |
I've been feeling really good the past few days...
I e-mailed my ex last Thursday. It basically said: I still care a lot about you-I still miss you-I still wish things could be different between us-I'm sorry for lying to you...but it also said that I'm learning to forgive myself and move on with my life. I told him that I was done blaming him or myself for what happened, and that I couldn't be his friend. I told him that I wasn't expecting to hear back from him (and I'm really not), and that it was for the best...and that I truly hope he ends up happy in life.
I know, I know--most of you are probably thinking that I made a big mistake in doing this. But I feel SO much better now. I had been having this strong urge to contact him...I've had this nagging feeling for awhile because I really felt like there was still things that needed to be said. I have written him numerous *unsent* letters in the past, but those did not make me feel any better. I know that it is important to get closure within yourself and that sometimes it is the only way to achieve it...but I really felt like this was something I needed to do, for myself. I don't know if he'll even read it, and it doesn't matter...I know I did it and that's good enough.
Writing him that email was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write...because it meant I was finally being honest with both him and with myself. For months, I have been in denial--I have been telling myself that I don't still love him, that I'd be okay with just being his "friend." I've been trying to convince myself that being his "friend" was all that I was after...that I didn't want him to hate me. And part of that is true--but it isn't the real reason I've been trying so hard to "redeem" myself to him...it isn't the real reason I haven't been able to fully let go of him yet.
But thanks to the help of many of you on this discussion board (Milton in particular), I've come to realize that I'm NOT over him yet...I still love him, and I think a part of me always will. I've also realized that I would never be happy with just being his "friend." It would hurt way too much. Despite all the pain he's caused me, I still care about him SO much...in a different way than he is able to care about me. He's already moved on with his life...and it's time that I start moving on with mine. I've been pretending like I've been moving on for awhile now...but I really haven't been. I was too scared of saying goodbye for good...I was clinging onto the hope that he might change his mind about me someday. The arrogant part of me didn't want him to forget me. And I didn't want him to be right about me "giving up" on him...I wanted to prove him wrong. But I've begun to realize that I AM giving up, and that it's perfectly okay--it is the best thing I can do for myself.
I feel like I've never actually given myself a fair chance to grieve, even though it's been a long time since our breakup. But I went straight from being with him to trying to be his friend. Sure, there were periods when I ignored his attempts to contact me and tried to move on, but I was mostly still desperately trying to "redeem" myself to him. I haven't even allowed myself to cry over him in a long time. And in a way, that's good because I haven't let the grief take over my life...but I've been holding it in and denying what I feel instead--and that isn't healthy either. I've been finally allowing myself to grieve over him and what happened...and sometimes I feel sad, but I know the tears will eventually stop.
I am finally learning to let go of the hope that he will come around and want to be with me. I have also learned that I have to stop trying so hard to be his "friend" because in reality, that isn't what I really want or need. He isn't who I thought he was, and I cannot change him or force him to love me. I don't think so highly of him anymore...he isn't good for me. It would be unhealthy to continue having any type of relationship with him.
I also have to stop beating myself up for lying to him. I made mistakes...but I know that I've learned from them and that despite my flaws, I'm a good person. I've stopped blaming myself and I've also stopped blaming him for what happened...I am done feeling so angry and bitter. We didn't work out. We aren't meant to be together. And he's moved on with somebody else...
I honestly don't care if my ex reads the e-mail and gets an even bigger ego from it. I don't care if he gets a good laugh at my expense, or if he just deletes it right away. I finally feel like I got everything I wanted to say out of me. I'm not saying that everyone should e-mail their ex's, because every situation is different. But I feel like it was the right thing to do in my situation. I feel like I've finally said goodbye to him by sending that e-mail...that there is now nothing more I could do, that I won't have anymore regrets when it comes to him. I am ready to stop looking in the past and to start looking forward...I'm finally ready to move on :)
I loved him, and I lost him. I lost a part of myself as well...an important part--my heart. But I'm getting it back and am slowly putting all the pieces of myself back together again. And someday, I will be ready to give it to someone else :)
"I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself."

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement :)
Yes, I finally made some important realizations...it took me awhile, but I did it! :)
I support the no contact rule as well...but of course, every case is different, and in my case I felt like writing him that letter was the best thing to do. I've been thinking about it, and I feel like if he contacted me, I wouldn't have anything to say now. And that makes me feel stronger...and more determined not to give in and contact him anymore, because I've gotten out all that I really need to :)
I know how you feel! I did the same. I felt that to get the closure,
I needed to tell him how I am feeling. Especially because I am in a
situation where I have no way of getting around having to see him on regular
basis. I told him more or less that I still cared for him but that right now
I can't be friends, it hurts too much. I told him I needed to be alone.
And you know I felt so much better after that.
But he responded and my heart just jumped, I was actually too afraid to open
the e-mail at first. But it wasn't bad; he said that he understood, that he
never meant to hurt me and that he would give me my space. And maybe in the
future we could be friends again.
Anyway, it's still hard because like I said I see him regularly. But I'm trying
and sending the e-mail made me feel like I was starting to come to terms with
everything. It's a slow process but I'm coming around.
Take care!