Hard Situation!
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| Wed, 11-17-2004 - 11:17am |
Hi everyone,
I'm going through a really painful time right now and was hoping I could meet some friends that might be going through something similar and could provide some support. My ex and I met in February and it was basically love at first sight. We met one day and had a whirlwind romance...I was living with him by May. Things were absolutely perfect and we never fought. However, he did have some baggage from the past. He is quite a bit older than me (I'm 22, he's 36)and had gotten a divorce in June '03 and it was final in October (that's when he moved out). He has a three year old son.
Well, this was never an issue and I accepted things the way they were. However, about a month ago he started freaking out out of nowhere that he hadn't really dealt with his past and wasn't sure he could be in a serious relationship, etc. He said he felt guilty when he spent time with his son that he wasn't with me and vice versa. His son is just now getting to the age where he recognizes his parents are divorced and begs his dad to stay. I think it was really wearing on him. He said the main thing he needed was space to figure it out and that we could still date.
So, I moved out and did the really, really bad psycho girlfriend thing and called all the time, went over there all the time and acted crazy. I had such a hard time accepting JUST dating and freaked out all the time. Recently (as in yesterday) we was like "I love you so much and would love for this to work out, but I can't just date you casually....If I didn't care about you the way I do, I could just date you casually but I love you too much to do that. I need to figure out my problems and what would be best in my life".
I'm just having such a hard time accepting that. We talked marriage, kids, etc....we even looked at rings! I just don't know how to let him go or give him space. I'm having panic attacks at work and am just so sad. Has anyone been through something like this? Should I hope that he'll come back to me? I know he loves me, but he has so much crap to deal with. I would just really enjoy a friend to talk to.
Thanks.

Look, the guy went from being a husband and father with obligations nad requirements, with structure and goals...to being cast adrift in a sea of uncertainty.
He didn't take the time to redefine his values, assess his needs, review his situation, realistically set goals, get to know himself as a single person...he jumped headlong into the distraction and diversion of 'you".
That's why it was "love at first sight" - it was "I hate my life, I hate myself, I terrified of all this - rescue me" on his part. And your attention, adoration, affection, adn total worship of him.....restored his faith temporarily in his "ability to cope".
He then proceeded to get right back into a "structure" that he was extremely familar with, that he could operate within. Living with a woman, having her rely on him, having her to rely on to make his life more managable and comfortable and convenient.
Boom....divorce...it's final...no denial is possible.
The child.......an obligation for a lifetime...he's now restructuring his world to include his EX wife appropriately, while realizing he's going to interact with her a great deal - for the well-being and benefit of this child. He's redefining his role in parenting - it's very painful not to be a "full time parent' if he loves parenting and the child appropriately.
What was "so bad" that he had to get out of that marriage...has now faded into a relative obscurity compared to how he "feels" when that child "wants his daddy all the time".
And so he's now doing on round 2...what he did in round 1...with you. HE's again adrift, grasping at straws, wanting to not eliminate his options and opportunities - but yet being able to commit to nothing and nobody because he's not sure what he wants, where he's headed, what he stands for, and how he's giong to get there.
This is totally ridiciulous. You two don't know one another very well....you MIGHT have been reaching a point of getting ot know one aother well....but you didn't have that opportunity wit him - BECAUSE HE HAS NO CLUE WHO HE IS. He didn't restructure himself to be a complete single man and father...he immediately jumped into roles and situations that distracted and allevaited his negative feelings temporarily.
One thing he can't do is "know what he wants with YOU'...he doesn't know what he wants...he's being driven by his feelings without any realistic and actual goals..other than placation of his feelings.
First off, YOU don't want a man in this state to be at the center of your life This is the type of person that goes off at 45 with the 18 year old secretary because he "feels" he needs to find himself....in her bed, and on the beach, etc.
Feelings aren't facts, goals, or calls to action...and if you use them as tools of cognition you're just really immature and destructive.
Second, you are pretty emotionally driven yourself....you've put alot of time into this, you want he "feelings back" that you had...and that is all that you see - while totally ignoring that time moves on and you cannot ever "go back"....if what you had was real in terms of admiration and respect for one another, true trust and acceptance of one another.....not "how I feel about me and my potential future as a result of alliance with you" - you wouldn't be in this state at all.
But this man has figured out subconsciously a few things. First, it's not as difficult to be single as he thought... when this all started all he wanted back was the roles and obligations nad responsiblities that he had while married and being a parent - he just wanted them with someone who "made him feel good about himself".....vs. how obligation, responsibility and his interactionw ith his wife made him feel about himself. He got with you.
He's figured out that being with you isn't all a bed of roses. That you're not fixing his "lack of self-esteem" - your adoration doesn't provide the high that it once did. And that being single....might not be quite the death sentence he thought it originally was when he so fast "fell in love with the idea of being in love with a 22 year old".
HE's figuring out that what he left behind, taht was so painful, so agonizing, waht he considered such a burden...is now haunting him. He can't just pack up, leave, and make another family and forget about this.......and he's not yet restructured his individual life...and now he's being called upon to provide structure, reassurance and love and guidance to a small child, that he loves...and has alot of "guilt" regarding.
So, ask yourself seriously....do you at your age...want to be a parent. Because "what is...is". If this guy never gets himself more clearly defined and self-accepting adn responsible and goal focused...what you'd be living with is a constant state of emotional upheaval as he runs to allevaite his guilt, and then assauge your fears and his anxieties as a result of them.....etc. etc. etc. HE'd never be focused on advancement...he'd be focused on survival...which you tread water long enough and osmeone comes along and offers you a ride on their raft...and you take it - and he'd be off to the next relationship.
Why would you want this for you? I realize that you've invested alot of time, you've told all your friends, you had this 'feeling" about yourself as a result of his attention that you never had before - and you desperately want it back and think he's the only source.
Realize something....if you go thru life only truly admiring, respecting, liking, approving, and appreciating yourself as an individuall based on other people's acceptance.......you're in for a really long, hard life. As you grow older...you're going to have less to ffer in terms of looks and options and when you're less convenient and beneficial - if all that you're ever considered of use for is your benefits and convenience - you'll be left alone. With no fountain of self-love, respect, admiration and acceptance.
You need to get self-esteem.....vs. self-confidence. And if you do pursue that task - while waiting for him to figure out hwat he wants in life...I suspect you'll find out that you don't want this or him.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
geminigirl599
I feel so bad for you. Your pain, and sadness are very evident.
No one knows why he has made this choice, only him. You need to give yourself some time away. I believe we all sometimes turn to others and it is not meant to be. It is a transition person, someone we turn after a separation or divorce etc.
He isn't sure about what he wants and it is confusing for both of you. It may be hard but backing off my make him realize he wants a relationship with you. Truthfully he may not be ready.
I don't believe the age difference is an issue except for life experience.
Do you want children, does he and what about his son, the step-parent role, being a step-parent.
I think maybe he was feeling guilty rushing into another relationship and is ready for any committment right now.
Take some time to take care of yourself. Do what is right for you. Take a step back.Spend some time with your family and friends. Make time for yourself. Your health is important. This has impacted on you and you need to allow time to grieve. When you have feelings for someone, no matter the length of the relationship it is extremely hard to let go. Sometimes, we have no choice.
I am thinking about you and hope you realize you are not alone.
nightangel
Hi Geminigirl,
I'm going through the same thing. I can tell you what it was for me and maybe you can think about it.
A friend introduced me to my ex (ex as of this morning). He had just gotten out of a marriage (just separated the week before) and he and I fell in love and got married. He went very fast for me and wanted to move in together and get married quickly. we moved in after five months and the day his divorce was final he wanted to get married so bad, so we did.
He's always been verbally abusive, but lately he's been horrible. He finally said he didn't want to be married anymore via email.
I figured out that I was probably a rebound chick. I think I filled a void in his life that was lost when his other marriage broke up. I've read a lot of things about rebound relationships and we were a textbook case. The way I moved on? I finally got him to admit he may not be in love with me anymore. That did it for me. Whether he is or not, i don't know, but I do know it's best for me to move on. That's probably best for you too, or it will be that much longer for you to get over him.
I wish you much luck with your situation. We are here for you.
Catlover66