hard time cutting off ties

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
hard time cutting off ties
5
Thu, 10-20-2005 - 10:06pm
My ex and I have been broken up for two months now. We didn't communicate for the last few weeks and then all of a sudden he called me out of the blue to talk, then he began IMing me all over again. The other day we IMed back and forth and although I know it's not good to think this way, all I could think was how sad it was that we could converse so well and go on and on talking this way practically knowing what the other will say next yet we had to break up because marriage isn't a priority for him. In one way I feel like we should just stop communicating all together because no matter how well we get along I still have a voice in the back of my head saying this is the guy who dated you for a few years but didn't see you as someone to be committed to. Then another voice says if you cut him off it will be cruel and you will miss talking with him and having someone to laugh with because we have the same sense of humor and I feel like I'll never find anyone else I get along so well with. A good friend of mine thinks its ridiculous that we're communicating and told me and I must stop it and not let him have a place in my life because all it will do is ruin future relationships and that if he wants to talk to me it should be because he has a ring not because he needs someone to chat with. I know she is right but it's so hard. I feel like I'm making things worse by responding to him but I know it would hurt both of us to stop talking all together. But he rejected the idea of getting married to me I tell myself so why should I feel hurt over that?? I don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 10:01am

i don't think it's ridiculous that you still talk to him...i think that it is perfectly "normal". i do agree with your friend that you should cut off ties, but i don't think you should do it just so you don't ruin future relationships...i think you should try to cut off ties right now, only because the wound is still fresh, it's only been two months, so it seems it's way too soon to try to be friends right now. it's hard to do it, i know, it's even hard to imagine cutting off ties with someone who you loved/love so much and was such a huge part of your life...i still struggle with that too. but i think as hard as it is, it's necessary for healing and letting go...that's why you should cut ties...for yourself and your healing....not for future relationships.

all the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:44pm

If you and Bf got along well and the only obstacle was marriage I don't think you should have broken it off. For one it is not right to pressure someone into marriage yet if you got along and had not problems in your relationship why not stay together. Perhaps with more time his feelings would change on the subject. I should tell you I dated someone for
6 years and it never progressed to marriage. Although I was okay with that, I figured at some point we would get married. We broke up due to other reasons and I went on to date someone for three years. We were engaged but we didn't talk at all about the wedding. We got engaged under the premise that we would wait a few years so we could get to know each other better. It turns out we never made it. We broke up three months ago and he is the reason I visit this site. I am heart broken. We had a hard time getting along. You could say we came from opposite sides of the tracks. He was not very classy and tended to be crude. He always thrived on being the life of the party and if that meant he had to say something completely crude then he would, no matter if I was in ear shot or not. Those things bothered me and when I tried to talk to him about it he would get defensive and tell me I was just being stupid, of course this would turn into a fight because I don't enjoy being called stupid nor do I enjoy not getting respect from my partner. I didn't want him to change, I wanted him to be more aware when I was around and take extra care to not say things that hurt my feelings. In my opinion these were easy things to fix but in his mind it was conflict and he started to pull away from me.

It has been heart wrenching spending my days without him. We broke up almost three months ago and I can still cry just thinking about him. I am 36 years old and I have never loved someone as much as I loved him. I have such a battle going on between my heart and my mind because the mind is full of logic and reason. The mind tells me that we were just two different people that could never have gotten on an even playing field if we tried. My heart only knows how to love and there is no logic or reason in love. If it were up to my mind I would be free and painfree.

I guess I am saying that if you had a good relationship with your ex then maybe you should just give it time and not force marriage. I do know for some people marriage is very important and often times part of their religious beliefs. You don't want to force something upon someone just as you would not want someone to force something upon you. People change as they grow and if you were happy in your relationship with him then why not ride it out for a little while longer?

Java

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 1:35pm
I know what you mean, but it had already been over three years and when I asked him about marriage he said he wasn't something he wanted to do in the near future. when i asked about long term, he shrugged. He couldn't even say something like, I'm not thinking about marriage now but when I do I will want to marry you. He was thinking in terms of himself, not in terms of "us." I believe that if you really love someone and want them in your life permanently, you will choose your words a little more carefully but knowing him, he said exactlly what he meant. We're both thirty and he knows that while as a guy he can wait another ten years to have kids, I can't. I told him I'd like to have my own children and not have to go through uncomfortable procedures to get pregnant one day just because someone didn't feel like tying the not with me in a reasonable amount of time (3-5 years) and he had nothing to say in response. saying nothing said a lot to me-- "that's your call," "not my problem," "you do what you need to do." I believe that if a man really loves me and wants me to be his wife and have children with me, he would work with a woman's clock at the very least because it gets harder and harder to have children the older you get. why should i have to miss out on that because some guy can't make up his mind and wants to spend the next ten years living like a college kid? I told him that I can't date him for another three years under the assumption that he will want to get married, and he agreed. he didn't want to budge on the subject, and that said a lot to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 2:16pm

That does make a lot of sense. I am 36 and have two kids already. I don't want anymore myself, it has been a hard battle being a single parent and trying to find someone that can deal with my situation for the long haul. My ex (who is 36 also)did not have any nor did he want any. He got himself fixed when he was 29 just to make sure he would never have any. It was not that he hated kids but he never wanted to responsibility of kids and he really is selfish, he wants to live his life without having to worry about others. He dated someone a few years before me that had kids and he swore that he wouldn't date someone with kids again. He wants to be number one in his partners eyes and he wants them to be able to do things whenever they want and not have to worry about arrangements. He then said after me he woulnd't do it again. You want to know what truly floors me? I am not certain on this but I have heard he is seeing someone. I have seen her car in his driveway and I know who she is. She has two kids also! Granted her ex has full custody so she does not have the kids regularly like I do but she still has kids! One day they might say they want to live with her and what is she going to do? She also told my ex that she wants more kids! Like I said I don't know if he is seeing her or not, my gut tells me he is, whether it is just to pass the time to get over the pain of our breakup, I don't know. But what part of she wants more kids does he not understand? Does he really think they could have lifelong relationship with such different values?

I guess it is for the better that he has run away from me because I really am to weak to stay away from him without being forced. I am the type of person that thinks everything (within reason) is worth working out. I know that I truly loved him, the kind of love that lasts forever and I think that is rare these days.

I think after reading your reply to mine that you are doing the right thing. You did try to feel out the situation with him and all you got was blank responses. There really isn't much of a choice at that point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 11:20pm
That was it-- there really wasn't much of a choice for me. as far as i'm concerned, i had more to lose than he did. he doesn't care about having a family and owning a home. he just wants to do what he wants to do and never think about the future. i want marriage and children and he wasn't willing to give me any of those things. i had to break up with him because the thought of losing out on those things as a result of spending several more years with a guy who couldn't care less if I got them or not was starting to scare me too much. i wouldn't be surprised if my ex got himself fixed at one point in the future. i received quite a few clues during our relationship that he was most concerned about getting what he wanted and what was easiest and most convenient for him. there's a lot of good about him so I guess I just ignored those clues, but now I see that they were important clues I should not have ignored after all. as i think about it now in hindsight, it's a little hard to even picture him being responsible for small children and thinking about them before his work and hobbies. i think he'd probably throw a tantrum like a four-year-old himself if his wife or children caused him a major inconveniece or made it hard for him to buy or do something he wanted.
I don't understand why your ex keeps dating women with kids if he doesn't want to be bothered with them. If children are a dealbreaker for him you'd think he'd avoid women with children. i'm sure it can't be that hard for him to find a childless woman in this world. sounds like he is selfish and maybe even expects the women to make him priority number one over their children. doesn't he realize that one day he's going to be old, frail and in need of attention, and that maybe, since he doesn't want any children, he might only have nieces or nephews to look after him and that they may see him as one big inconvenience???
a lot of these guys seem to have one major trait in common-- they forget that they're not going to be young and healthy forever.
anyway, maybe i am having a hard time avoiding contact with him because we did get along so well and maybe the truth is that he's a better friend after all (he has a lot of female friends and sometimes I wonder if that's because all of them see that he is out for himself so they don't date him) because he's at his best when he only has to think about himself.