Hardest break-up I have ever had
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| Sat, 11-04-2006 - 3:24pm |
Well for starters I'm a 37 year old gay man. Over the last year I have gone through some pretty stressful things - buying a new house, then trying to sell the other which was an experience from hell, I had to carry two houses for awhile, move myself, and also do my regular job which is very high stress most of the time.
In the middle of June a friend of mine said I needed to get away from all the stress and he took me to a gay campground for the weekend. While I was there I met a wonderful guy -and someone who actually lived in the same city as me. We enjoyed talking with each other and found out that we had many things in common, including being the same age, having grown up in small towns about 30 min from each other, our love for the same kind of music, that we both couldn't catch anything if we tried, our fear of snakes etc etc.... there were so many similarities. He had an obvious phyical handicap, but that did not bother me whatsoever. We ended up going back to his campsite for the night and had a nice time together. He said to me.. if I gave you my number would you call me, or if this was just a one time thing thats okay...just dont take my number. I told him I definately wanted his number and would call him. I called him several days later and we talked on the phone for a while. Then the following week I was moving houses. The next time I saw him was that following Sunday when he showed up at one of the bars I would go to and it was also his birthday. I bought him a drink and we talked for awhile and I said that now that I was living in the city he should come by to visit me. He did call me the next day and came to see me. That was the beginning of what became my relationship with him. Early on he said to me that I was really special... that he had always hoped that he would find someone with the kind of values that I had. He said that he had basically given up ever finding that.... but then I dropped in from nowhere and he said he didn't know what he had done to deserve meeting someone like me. We saw each other every day for almost 4 months, and he was staying with me about 4-5 nights a week. I was so happy, and came to adore him. He said that I really treated him well and that I was so kind, caring and thoughtful all the time. I started to think about him all the time and then about 6 weeks into things I started to worry about where I stood with him.
He was 38 but had never really been in a relationship with anyone before. We had a couple of discussions about where we stood and he said that he was old fashioned in some ways and wanted to take things slowly... to really get to know each other well. At that time he said we were reading the same book but he thought that I was further ahead on the page than him and that he was a slow reader. He said to me that I was the nicest person that he had ever met, and no matter what happened or where this would eventually lead that he would always want for us to be friends.
As time went on, I noticed that I was probably much more affectionate towards him than he was with me, although in other ways he would really proudly hold hands or have his arm around me when we would go out to the bars and would even sometimes hold my hand in public if we would walk down the sidewalk after being out dancing, he would always hold my hand when we were at home in front of the tv, and he liked to cuddle too. When it came to sex, I was usually always the one that had to intiate things, and he prefered to be pleasured than give. When I thought about these things, I attributed it to the fact that he had never had a relationship before.
He also smoked pot fairly often in the evenings as he said that it helped him with the stress of his work. At first it didn't bother me much, but after awhile it concerned me because it would change him so much after he had smoked... he would laugh about silly things and tell long stories that didn't make much sence etc.
I started to develop anxieties about our relationship and basically about where I stood with him. I was also suffering from and being treated for depression, something that I have struggled with at times throughout my life. One day I was particuarly vulnrebale, and broke down and cried, and he hugged me and I came out with it..... I told him that I LOVED him. He stepped back for a minuite and said to me... Ian..I know you are having a difficult time right now and you probably don't need to hear this too, but I still can't honestly say the same thing to you yet. I know I really like you and that I'm really enjoying the time we spend together, but I'm scared of one of us getting hurt. I want to be sure about things, and I know that I really like you, and that when I'm ready I want it to be you that I say the same thing to.
What I had said to him about Loving him hadn't scared him away, and he also knew I was having some problems with my depression and he was very supportive towards me. As the weeks progressed I felt more and more anxious, wasn't sleeping well, was tired all the time and became more and more stressed. One Friday when I came home from work I fell apart and told him about my anxiety and the stress I had been feeling. I told him I felt insecure. He said to me that he knew how much I cared about him, and that he felt that maybe that it was that I wasn't getting back from him what I needed. He thought that perhaps I wasn't really insecure, but more that it was my intuition telling me that something wasn't right. He hugged me for along time, then we took a drive to get some ice cream to try to make me feel a bit better.
The next day I spend the whole day crying. He called me from work and I balled my eyes out. When he came home that night, he laid in bed with me and hugged me and said to me.. I think you mis-understood something yesterday... nothing has changed and I'm not going anywhere.
The week following that was very difficult for me, and I went to see my doctor again and he took me off of work. My boyfriend knew I was going to do this, and he called me around lunchtime that day to see if I was going to come home for lunch. I told him no because I had to tie up a few things at work because I would be off for awhile. When I came home on Friday he was pretty shaken looking himself. He had done all the house cleaning and work in the yard. He said that I looked as if my day was terrible.... then he broke down and told me that he felt so responsible for the way I have deteriorated and that he didn't want to see me suffering anymore, and that he wanted me to get better. He didn't want me to lose everything I had over just a guy.
We talked for along time, both of us crying etc, and he said that he knows that I love him, and he said that he loves me too.. but that he wasn't "in love" with me and that after 4 months he felt that he should have something more concrete to tell me rather than still being unsure about where things were for him and hoping that he would eventually get there. He said that because of some pretty terrible things that had happened to him in his past that he was not sure if he would ever really be able to fully trust and let himself love someone again. He told me more about the details surrounding that, and it all made more sence to me.
He told me that I was the nicest guy that he had ever met and that for years he had hoped that he might find someone real like me, and as much as he really wanted it to be me that he would have become a life partner with, that he just couldn't keep me in limbo hoping that he would eventually get to that point. He recognized how much it was affecting me and he didn't want to cause me any more hurt. He said that he was so torn about what he should do and knowing that by bringing this up he would also be giving up on the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life. He said that I was such a genuine, nice, kind, tender, caring and giving person, and he felt that he wasn't fully able to give back to me what he felt that I needed and deserved and he didn't want to hurt me. He then said that as he had said so many other times... that whatever happened he wanted for us to always be friends.
It was the most difficult day I have ever had to deal with... he slowly gathered all of his stuff, took his clothes from the drawers and cupboards, and he kept hugging me and hugging me and we were both crying.... and then we hugged one last time at the front door, I told him "I Love you" he said "I do know that Ian... I'll see you soon"... and he left. I fell apart on the floor as his car drove away...
He called me every couple of days to see if I was okay, and came to visit me for awhile a few days later. We have seen each other maybe a couple times a week or talked on the phone several times a week over the last month. For the most part I have been okay when actually being with him, but when he has had to leave, or after he has left I just totally fall apart.
Some of my friends have been really good to me and have been coming over to stay with me, to make meals for me and to support me, but nothing anyone can do or say will take my pain away. Most of my friends have said I have to cut him off out of my life completely.... no seeing him, no phone calls nothing. I thought about it, but just couldn't bring myself to let him go.
It's been a month now since we broke up, and the same time that I have been off of work. I cry every single day and I miss him so very much. I am remembering all the good things about him and our relationship. My mind knows that the romantic relationship is over but my heart hasn't followed. He too has had a tough time with the break-up, but not to the extent that I have. He has been able to function fairly normally and has been going out with this friends etc. I was very much in love, and he wasn't as vested in it as I was.
For a month now I have tried to transition from being lovers to friends... but it's so hard. This week on Tuesday and Thursday when he called me I fell apart on the phone and couldn't stop crying. During Thursday's call, I told him I honestly knew that our romantic relationship was over but how much I still missed him. He said that he knew how much I missed him but didn't know what else to say to me... he said he felt really bad that I hurt so much over him, and that he knows that I fell for him in a big way, and that he really cares about me too but in a different way. He said that he wants me to get better, and that he could see what it was doing to me after each time that we would see each other. Then I said to him that maybe we needed to take a break from each other for awhile, and he said he was relived that I said it, because he had been thinking the same thing but didn't want to bring it up for fear that it would hurt me even more. We said that we would not see each other or call each other for 1 month, and he kept saying... Ian we will still be friends I know we can.
I'm so desparate and sad now....I'm so lost and empty without him. I know that this separation time is necessary in order for me to heal... but the pain is so awful. I'm supposed to go back to work part time on Monday... and I don't know how I'm going to handle it all.
What it comes down to is that I know that there were things not quite right in the relationship... and perhaps I wasn't getting back everything I needed to feel secure and to feel as loved in return. He was very new to having a relationship and basiclly wasn't ready for it. He said to me that he thinks that we just came into each others lives at the wrong time. He want's to retain a friendship and I really would like the same... but the problem for me is I still have a strong emotional attachment to him. There was/are so many things that I cherished about him and about our relationship that I can no longer have.
Can I ever expect that we can be friends and hang out again.... or am I dreaming?
I don't know what else to do now to get back on my feet again. Im so sad and depressed and I spend most of my time in bed. I've been going to see my doctor every 2 weeks, going to my Employee Assistance Plan Councillor every two weeks and have started seeing a Phyciatrist too. I've been reading self help books, and trying to get out a bit to do things with friends once in awhile. I find it very difficult to go out at the moment, but I have been doing my best.
I guess from reading other peoples stories on here that I'm really pretty lucky.... there was no nastiness in our break-up, and that we have separated with dignity and respect for each other and that we both still care about each other. He was always honest upfront and respectful to me which I am very thankful for. Nevertheless.... I HURT... and that hurt is so real and painful for me every single day that passes.
I've had 3 other breakups in my life, but nothing compares to the loss that I feel from this one.
You will always hold a special place in my heart G.
God please help me now.
Ian

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. It's so hard when you love someone and they just don't have the same feelings for you or aren't at the right stage of their life or whatever--I think it makes the breakup that much harder, because it's not like he cheated on you or you found out something about him that was a dealbreaker. You're just not right for each other and that's hard to accept.
In any event, yes, it will be possible to be friends with him down the road...but not NOW. You need to have a period of no contact so you can heal and get over your romantic feelings for him. I have a feeling it's going to take longer than a month, however. So if you're not feeling ready after a month, don't push yourself--it'll just set you back and then you'll have to start no contact all over again. The test is, if you would honestly be happy for him if you called him and he told you he met someone else, then you're ready to be friends.
Hang in there and post as much as you need to.
Sheri