the hardest ending yet...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
the hardest ending yet...
4
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 5:53pm

I'm writing from a place that is feeling so lost and confused and usure of myself. I separated from my husband in August of 06 and was immediately launching into another relationship. This man was a confidante and friend to me as I was pulling myself away from my marriage. As the story goes, we got into the physical part way too quickly and it was feeding such a broken part of me. I was so so hungry for love and comfort. We had a tumultuous romance that is so mind-blowing and full of love and passion, but completely tattered after a year of my post-divorce emotional trauma unloading on the relationship almost constantly. I've been to such pathetic lows with this man, desperate for physical intimacy in moments where I felt so low and bad about myself inside. I have thrown fits that I don't even recognize myself in. I have screamed and sobbed and been at my worst with this man. He has loved me and honored and respected me through it all. But there was definitely a price to pay. He was torn between witnessing someone who just needs space and time to be raw and hurting, and wanting to believe I could work through my issues inside this relationship with him right by my side.

The relationship was unable to move through this change in my life without me taking the space I need to discover how to heal from my divorce (which will be final in the next couple of weeks). The elephant in the room has always been that I left my marriage to "be on my own" in my life for the first time (i married way too young and never had a life b4 my husband)...and yet the truth was that I was smack in the middle of another intense committed relationship that I was in no way ready for in my life.

So we've split up. Just two days ago. Literally, for the first time since I was 16, I do not have a man in my life. This man is still so full in my heart and I'd love to think that we can weather a break so I can be a healthier woman in that relationship someday, but I also know that time can change a heart. I am all at once afraid to lose the love I feel for this man and afraid to lose my life if I don't claim it for myself right now and begin to be in relationship with me, and not with a man.

I'm just wandering around in a fog, completely disoriented without my daily phone calls and connection to my boyfriend. I miss him and he is doing an amazing job at supporting my space despite the pain it causes him. But it's been two days and I'm already exhausted from the pain. What do I do now? How do I hold that space for him in my heart and still open up competely to my process and to my healing? I'm lonely and sad and distraught over this loss that is compounded by a marriage I still haven't really had closure with. There are so many endings in my life happening simultaneously and it feels as though my heart will break beyond repair from all of the loss. Does this get better soon? Will I begin to recognize my time alone as something satisfying instead of paralyzing?

I just hurt so deeply right now but I'm fiercely determined to get through this and do the things I need to do for my life...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 10-19-2007 - 7:15pm

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going though. Your emotions sound raw, and there isn't much I could possibly say to make you feel better. It sounds like counseling might be a good option for you so you can start over with a clean slate and get to know the person you really are. It may be (well it will be) tough for awhile but I think in the long run you will be able to discover the person you really are. At that point you can enter a relationship from a much healthier perspective. Much love!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Sat, 10-20-2007 - 7:12am

Izzyblue,


As difficult as it may seem you are right in the place you need to be right now.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2006
Sat, 10-20-2007 - 10:11am

I can really hear the words written here about time and healing and owning myself now as my own woman in this world, not defined by the man currently at my side. Fortunately, I do not have any children. I can't imagine going through this in front of them...

The part about my recent ex being a transition person. I've been "advised" and "warned" of this by so many. This seems to be the hardest part for me. I love him, but there were a thousand moments in the last year where I was repulsed by him, or wanted to just be alone, or didn't have the patience to deal with his own problems. I was in a very selfish mode often and would often fantasize about being alone. But the glue that held me to him was too strong to break until now. It's true, I do miss him, but the ending was a long one and very painful at that. Lots of beakdowns and ugly, ugly feelings toward myself in those moments. There is relief already from the wondering of when the bomb was going to go off again. The hardest part is thinking of him as a transition, of actually looking ahead, metaphorically, into my future and not only not seeing him there, but...not needing to see him there. It's a vision of my potential strength, but because I don't feel that strength now, it's almost confusing to my heart. Does this make any sense?

It feels weird to be on my own and to already be considering that that is all he was to me - my bridge into the rest of my life. I feel guilty for that! I feel like I used him. And yet he willingly entered into a relationship as I was leaving my marriage, knowing full well the space I wasn't taking. He's a very wise 41 year old and I'm only 28. There was also this father-daughter thing going on in our dynamic. He would feel more protective of me than anything, and actually, it caused some deep wounds in our sexual relationship because I was so often rejected by him because he couldn't simultaneously see me as this devestated child, crying on the couch, to a sensual woman an hour later in his bed. In the end, the sexual rejection is what made me finally walk away.

And now I'm just left in this cavern of confusion and the sense of being so lost. Not without him, but without that bridge anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 10-27-2007 - 4:45pm

Hi izzyblue,


Just checking to see if things are getting any easier for you?