Hardest Thing I Ever Did
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| Sun, 07-31-2005 - 8:35pm |
I posted last month to the Should I Stay or Go board, and everyone was so supportive. However, despite the good advice, I just broke up with my bf of 6 months.
I have never been the one to initiate a breakup - and it was the hardest thing I ever did. Especially since I can't put my finger on why I wasn't happy - he is cute, treated me well, and for the most part, we did have a lot of fun. I just felt like something was missing, and I felt trapped. I wanted more and more personal space, and looked forward to our time together less. I wish I could give him a reason why - it was just so horrible to hurt someone like that, and not even be able to give him a concrete reason. I am so worried that I am letting a great guy get away - and yet, I know I was only 75% happy, and I think we both deserve more than that.
I guess what I need right now is for someone to tell me that I should trust my gut instinct. It is so hard not to call him and take it all back so the pain goes away, at least for a little while.
Also, I don't know what to do about contact in general. After hurting him so much, how can I ask him not to call/email if he wants to?
Thanks for listening- it really helps.

Actually, no contact will help him, even thought he may not realize it. If he does call or email you, I'd send him a kind email back saying something like, "I think we need some time apart to heal and move on. I think it's best if we don't contact each other for the time being, but I hope we can reconnect as friends a few months down the road."
Sheri
Hi soconfused, I know exactly what you are going thru. I also had to break up with a guy that was seemingly perfect and loved me, but like you, there was just something holding me back. It hurt like hell to know that I was breaking his heart, and didn't have a really convincing reason. He was cute, great job, and loved my son, and tried so hard to be the best boyfriend, but I didn't feel any spark. So, after crying, and praying for the right answers, I finally did it, and it was tough, and you know, he actually admitted that it wasn't perfect. He could tell my heart wasn't in it, however there was no answer to "why" it just wasn't.
And I didn't call him at all (however I cared and hoped he was ok) I knew it would only drag out the pain and give him hope. It helps to have been on the other side of the pain for 15 months, lol. And like you I thought I was giving up the greatest guy and might not find someone who treated me so well, but I wasn't happy. And would he really want me to stay because I was scared to move on? or too afraid to hurt him? I wouldn't want someone to stay with me out of pity. I learned to never settle! And how? Well for 2 months I was sad, but felt free. I stuck with my decision, and then out of nowhere, I met someone. And he is everything and so much more, and I'm crazy about him. We get along and match 100% better and I suddenly saw why I needed to end the other relationship. So you hold on to your decision, listen to your heart on this, if there was something , even a feeling that told you this wasn't it, then it is right.
Maybe it is timing, and at another time you will reconnect and feel differently, or there is just someone else out there meant for you, there's no way of knowing, just keep your head up! You did the right thing. You know, he deserves someone who is absolutely head over heels for him, and right now he might not understand, but you DID do him a favor, and I promise you and he will get thru this and find truer happiness!
Hugs, Grace
Grace,
Thank you so much. I have reread your message several times over the past few days to help me trust my decision. So far, so good, although I realize it might get harder before it gets easier. We have had some brief email contact, but both of us are going away in a few days which I think will help.
Thanks again-
I think you did the right thing. Don't second guess yourself. I actually posted something today because I had the initial instinct a few months ago that the guy I had been with for the past 2 1/2 years wasn't the right one for me. I was losing attraction to him, and I just didn't want to be with him anymore. I couldn't break it off, though, because I had never broken up with anyone, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Instead, I let it drag on and wasn't the easiest person to deal with. Because of my attitude, we ended up breaking up mutually. But when he came back to me, begging to get back together, I felt so bad for him that I agreed. Then a month later, I guess he realized it really wasn't working out, and he broke it off.
It's very weird to be on the other end of a break up now -- even though I knew initially I didn't want to be with him anymore. I think I got hurt that he actually broke it off this time! (I know that sounds like a very self-centered way to think, but I can't help it, my mind has just been working that way lately).
Anyways, if there's a lesson I learned in this, it's to trust your instinct. If you felt it wasn't right, then it wasn't right. And don't let your guilt lead you into doing something you don't want to do because then you may get led into an ultimately even more confusing road, like the one I'm walking right now.
Stay strong and good luck with everything.