this has been the worst year of my life
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| Fri, 05-05-2006 - 2:02pm |
im in a really difficult place right now and need all the support i can get, ive been up crying now for the past 24 hours...
Yesterday I had a really great day, I ended my first year of grad school, presented a killer presentation, i felt like i was on top of the world...then i got this great idea, hey why dont i ask my ex to go grab a burger with me to celebrate, i didnt see any harm in that...
well i called and asked and he told me that he had homework and a meeting, and i asked if it had anything to do with us not hanging out and he said yea sorta both there...and i got so mad. ive had enough of this whole not hanging out thing, its driving me crazy. we havent really hung out at each other's place or gone out to dinner or something in the past 2 months. ive been trying to give him space like he wanted, but its just bothering me now, bc he is leaving in like 2 weeks and im afraid of losing him, and want to spend time with him bc i dont know when the next time i will be seeing him. im scared.
and so i got sorta drunk last night, and ended up talking to him about it, and he is all frusterated at me bc i will not drop this, and that i keep on bringing this whole thing up, he is tired of talking about it. but see the thing is, i care about our friendship a lot, and im sorry for investing so much time and energy into this. when i told him that, he was like oh and with me coming by your work to see you and hang out with you,thats not caring about the friendship?? i think thats just an excuse.
im just really hurt by all this, and im sorry for frusterating him to death. its like i know he still cares and likes his ex (that hurts too) and its like what does she have that i dont, but you know im driving myself crazy over this...i wish i could make things better...i wish i could just not hurt anymore, yet still have him in my life. i am friends with several other ex's and its cool now, grant it it took some time to get there, but you know i thought by now we would be at that point where we would be cool.
i wish we could go back and just be normal friends and hang out and have fun, but not make the same mistakes like crawl into each other's beds or anything.
i dont know what to do, im scarded, im sad, i hate how all this is going...its been going on for a long time now, its not getting better, i dont see it getting better...and i would like to think we are going to have this great friendship...and i hope for it too...but right now i dont see that bc how can you be friends with someoene if you never hang out with them??

You are going to have to deal with your feelings, without contacting him, sorry to say.
:: bc he is leaving in like 2 weeks and im afraid of losing him,
You've already lost him. He's being polite when you call, but he's not calling to make plans with you.
Sorry you have to experience this grief.
Carrie
hi dance
i been fallowing your story here...anyways i fell so sorry for what happen. the only thing you need to do is to let go of your past. just remember things happen for a reason..look like you mention anytime soon his leaving so isnt its better that his not with you anymore. coz for me i think it will hurt more if you guys still in a relationship.
think about it my dear he already move on..what about you? do you wanna be like that coz of this big time loser. just put in your mind you could never be friends to a person who hurt you emotional. ACTUALLY YOU JUST MAKING THINGS WORST BY TELLING HIM ABOUT THE PAST. TRY TO SHOW HIM THAT YOU OVER HIM DONT MENTION ANYTHING ABOUT YOU AND HIM AT ALL. COZ IF YOU SHOW THIS TO HIM MAYBE THAT THE CHANCE THAT HE REALIZED WHAT HE LOST. COZ IF YOU STILL BE AROUND HIM HE WILL NEVER KNOW YOUR IMPORTANT "TRUST ME".
DANCE I KNOW ITS HARD BUT YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT IT. RELATIONSHIP IS NOT ABOUT BEGGING. I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOUR BEGGING HIM TO COME BACK. BUT TRUST ME HE THINK THAT, THATS WHY YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH HIM COZ YOU STILL WANTS HIM...HE COULD FEEL THAT! HE THINK YOU JUST USE THAT AS AN EXCUSE TO BE CLOSE TO HIM AGAIN.
LEAVE HIM ALONE TRUST ME THIS THE ONLY WAY FOR A GUY TO KNOW OUR VALUE....COZ THEY GOT USE TO US THAT WERE ALWAYS AROUND THEM AND THEY GONNA MISS THAT..BELIEVE ME HE WILL LOOK FOR YOU AGAIN.
GOOD LUCK
thanks for your responses...
its been such a tough day, and yeah he called back and we chatted and stuff, and im even more worse bc i started talking to some other friends and they made me upset, and they were like sweetie they are having sex, you know they are admit it, and i was like please stop it! i dont want to think that, thats horrible. last time they saw each other which was back in feb, they did sleep together, and then things went bad bc he was hooking up with both her and someone else. now today he is having dinner with his ex and her family and im killed by this...its like im tired of crying and be so emotional, bc he seemes like he doesnt want to be around me (even though he does tell me that he cares about our friendship but this whole not hanging out bit is not gonna change for a good while...) im sorry but i miss hanging out with my friend, i miss it all, i hate all this, i really do
hi dance
i'm just like you before dance. in a way that you friends and his friends are same people right so you cannot stop knowing whats going on with him. well to be honest what i did i stop contacting my friends that time its for my own sake anyways and you know whats hard dance my friend start being friend with my exbf new gf that time most of them did. it hurt knowing that but what can i do. i broke up with him for the reason he push me somehow so i promise my self not to come back with him. he was hurt and everything. he was trying to come back but i didnt give him a chance. that time his out of control he been using drugs and he doesnt really come home. i'm still inlove with him that time but a promise is a promise esp its for my own good.
it been long time now. he got married with the same girl that he dated after me. well somehow i got hurt a little bit. but its my choice thats why we didnt end up together. actually up to now he still have something against me and his wife they both been talking bad about me. but i dont really care.
so if you can stop contacting your friend or maybe atleast dont ask anything about him and if your friends start talking about your ex. tell them your not interested..actually do this so you will keep on avoiding hurting yourself. do it atleast for your own good.
remember its hard to trust your friends too you never know like what happen to me they are already with that other girl side and you dont even know. coz for my own opinion if i'm your friend i will never tell you anything that i know i might hurt your feelings.
dance keep us posted okay and i'm praying that everything will be fine to you. good luck and god bless you.
thank you for your words of support and advice...
im sorry for what happened to you and its horrible how your ex and his new wife are talking bad about you..argg thats so frusterating!
the friend that i was referring to isnt really a friend of his, he knows my ex, but more of friends with me and he has been trying to get me to break contact with my ex.
ive been doing a whole heck of a lot of thinking today, so much that i got a migraine earlier, but now im home for the weekend at my parents house, hoping to just take some time off and get away from everything. im staying off aim this weekend, especially tonight bc i have my ex's ex-gf screen name and i know i would be tempted to look and see what they are doing.
after talking to a lot of friends on my drive home today, i wondered if i should think about it for a lil while and think about maybe breaking contact with him for a lil bit so i can clear my head and get better as well as get some space between us...i figured with him leaving for the summer and switching schools that there would be distance anyway. but my thought would be to tell him that i need some time off and i cant talk to him for a lil bit, but its not a permenant thing just me realizing something i need to do for myself, so im thinking of asking him for a favor to give me some space while i take some time out and clear my head, but that when im ready to talk to him again i wil, or when he is ready to be the friend that i need him to be aka hang out with me, then contact me. i guess im hoping for that friendship but in reality he is not being a real friend if we have all these limitations and rules and regulations on our friendship.
obvioulsy he has picked her over me, and im trying to be ok with that, im hoping that one day someone will choose me. its just been a real rollercoaster and i think taking some time away might do me and him some good. i want to mention that hey what friendship we have right now, its getting hurt by all our fighting and arguing so in order to salvage whatever friendship we have left, im taking this time awawy, please repsect that and know that im doing this for our friendship right now.
what do you think? im being serious about not contacting him, as much as it would hurt, mauybe i need to be the bigger person and step away if he wont. i cant tell if he truly wants to be my friend as much as he says he does and whether he really wants me around..i remember him telling me today that nothing is going to change for a good while and that just makes me so sad to think about that...how we had this great friendship, and now its just dwindling down...
any thoughts/opinion??
thanks for listening and being there...
-dance
thanks guys for letting me vent like this, i dont know where else to turn to...
this morning was ok, i felt sorta strong waking up thinking that maybe its time for me to say goodbye for a lil bit. and just kinda going through the morning feeling okay, but then around a half hour ago, i started to think again, and started thinking how happy he is with her maybe, that maybe they are getting back together, how she gets the guy that i want, our dream guy, and gets the fairytale and im at home looking like a loser, a pathetic loser bc i pick fights with him sometimes and he is getting frusterated with me and my buggin him about the whole situation. kinda funny how this was just the opposite last summer when all he did was complain how much she was getting on his nerves and now im the one bothering him. i dont want to be like that, i want to be the good one, i want to be the cool one, but i also dont want to be walked over either...
argg this is so tough, ive been through so much already just with him, but then i was in a previous relationship with a guy who cheated on me and lied to me for several months (and now he is a friend, and probably going to get married to the girl who he cheated on me with...that was really tough too) and then a guy who i dated after him who liked me a whole heck of a lot but then got scared about the future and broke up with me only to come back to me several months later to be a hook up buddy with me, but i said no im not doing that at all...and stuck up for myself at that time and wouldnt settle like that, but ever since then he has told me what a mistake it was...but i dont want to date him at all, i just want friendship.
so im trying to be understanding with my current ex, trying to see what the heck he is coming from, but it only hurts so much to think that maybe he doesnt really want to be friends, or doesnt know how to handle being friends with me. and to be honest, maybe this is selfish, but if he gets with her, i dont know if i could handle it at first. i see it like well she was still around when i was dating him and she obviously is still there, maybe if im around when he is with her, then he will fall back to me...i dont know so many thoughts in my head and im trying to get them out so i can be ok.
i want to move on, but i dont want to lose him, but then again is he really fighting for me to stay??
-dance
hi dance
onething i could tell you dance. its better to stop contacting him. do this for your own sake coz atleast it will prevent of hurting your feelings. if ever he calls you just act nice you dont have to be rude or anything so anytime that you cant control yourself for calling him he will do same thing to you.
but actually to be honest its hard to gain a friendship with our ex. coz we already lost are respect with them and i guess they are too. right? without respect friendship is nothing at all. dance i know its hard but what cant we do right this guy are stupid they rather be with some b!tch than being with the person who will love them will all our heart. LIFE MUST GO ON LIKE I ALWAYS SAY TO MY SELF.
BE STRONG DEAR. IF WE FALL WE NEED TO LEARN HOW TO GET UP AND MAKE SURE THAT WE NEVER FALL AGAIN.
GOOD LUCK KEEP US POSTED OKAY...
thanks for checking up on me...i appreciate it from the bottom of my heart, thank you
-dance