has enough time passed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
has enough time passed?
4
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 7:29pm

So some of you may have read my posts here in the past. I dated this guy for about 2 months but he decided to go back to his ex-fiance. I didn't really see that coming because he seemed to give every indication that he was over her. Oh well, I'm over that part. It's always difficult to compete with history. Unfortunately, I really liked this guy and while I couldn't tell at that point that he was "THE ONE", he was definitely "THE ONE WITH POTENTIAL".

I'm no longer angry with him and I am not bitter about how things turned out. The only thing I have to deal with is that he left so suddenly that I had all these feelings for him that I've had to somehow get rid of/deal with or whatever it is we're supposed to do with them.

I've made alot of progress in the last 2 months. It was really tough at first but I'm sleeping and eating regularly again, I'm going out with friends, keeping active and busy etc. I do still experience those moments when my heart just aches, but I've learned to handle it. I haven't called him but we've emailed a couple of times because we agreed to keep in touch and he's respected my decision not to see him face to face. Unfortunately we work in the same building so we've had our fair share of bumping intos. But I've learnt to handle that alot better too and surprisingly it doesn't hurt as much as it did intially. In fact there are times when I say hi and I feel alright. But of course there are times when the rise in me comes alot later in the day.

The question I have is this: I'm feeling stronger now than I did a month ago but I'm not entirely over him even though I've learnt to "manage" my emotions, if that makes sense. I'm leaving town for about a month over the X'Mas break and I thought it might be nice to just have lunch in the cafetaria where we work (to keep the situation as innocuous as possible) to catch up and talk about neutral things like how our research/work is going etc. I feel the need to do this because (alright this might sound stupid) I'll be traveling alot in that month away and if my plane were to go down, I really don't want to leave with the regret that I didn't get to just say hi/bye to him one last time. Should I do this? There is nothing bad between us at all. I bear no anger or bitterness towards him. It's just how the situation turned out and I only remember the good times because, unfortunately, there are only those to remember .. except for the end. And because I don't bear any anger towards him, sometimes I feel like I should just "suck it up" and learn to manage my "more than friendly" feelings towards him so that we can proceed towards friendship and not be hung up on the past. Does this make sense?

Any advice would help! Thanks to all of you who respond!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 12:50am
if you feel you can handle being his friend only then giv it a try..just keep your guard up and be the one to end the lunch "date"...be in contol of the situation at all time..it will drive him crazy but you will feel empowered
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 2:15am

If you feel the need to do it, then do it...but just recognize and accept that doing so IS going to set you back. It is...there's no getting around that. But if you are willing to accept that, and recognize that this will mean it will be LONGER until you're over him and ready to be friends, then have lunch and get it out of your system.

Good luck, and I hope you'll only have a slight setback as a result.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Thu, 12-02-2004 - 2:52pm

Thanks for your response. I do indeed know the consequences. As it is, I don't trust how I feel. I feel fine, but you know that when you think it's okay to take that step, something happens and you take several steps backwards.

I think it just sucks to have feelings for someone who never really did anything "bad" (relatively speaking) to you. At the end of the day I think we'd be great friends if not for how I feel which is why I sometimes think I should just "suck it up".

We'll see ... I'll see how I feel in a week and then decide if I want to take that step.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Fri, 12-03-2004 - 10:58am
Good luck in whatever you decide but I have to warn you AGAINST any contact with you ex SO SOON after your breakup. It's just too soon. You should give yourself and HIM at least 6 months to a year. You're clearly still emotional about the whole relationship otherwise you would not have posted your message asking for advice. I think it's too soon and you might say things to him that you regret. The last thing you want him to think is that you want him back. You might think you don't and that you just want to be friends but it's too soon for friendship. There are still too many memories and maybe anger and resentment. Perhaps a friendship is not even possible and may never be. It depends on your individual personalities. Just think, if you become friends now and he starts talking about his girlfriend, her birthday, where they're going for the weekend, how easy will that be for you to listen to? Any progress you've made will be LOST.