This hasn't gotten easier...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
This hasn't gotten easier...
10
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 12:58am
So me and my ex-boyfriend of four years have been broken up for 3 months (He broke up with me). We have been so up and down, but I had been talking to him once about every two weeks or so. I'm not over him at all, but I'm trying. I had a really bad night the other night and wanted to talk to him (This is bad I know) but he wouldnt answer my phone call and his voice mail had some other girls voice on it. This made me go crazy. I felt like he had broken my heart into a million pieces again. I wrote him this big long message telling him exactly how I felt (also bad I know). I feel like a complete psycho and I can't even imagine what he thinks of me. I hate that I want him back and I hate that I had false hope about us getting back together. I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't know what to do anymore. I am absolutely miserable. I just really didn't think he would already start dating another girl this soon, I honestly thought that I would start dating before him. This hurts more than anything else I have ever felt in my life. I don't want to be so bitter about love, but I feel like he has completely screwed me over in that. I hate love and I feel like I am never going to find anyone or be happy ever again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 1:09am

I'm so sorry this has been so hard for you. Break ups are so horrible! I've been doing the no contact thing for 2 weeks (since we broke up) and it seems to be getting harder. but I have faith that NC will do its job and things will get better for me in time. maybe it's been so hard b/c you have still be talking to him. if you could off contact, it may become easier for you because I feel like talking to our exes will only cause us more pain, because even though we are talking to them, they are no longer with us. we need to distance ourselves from them. we need time to heal and focus on US. i know NC can be so hard though!! I miss my ex a lot right now. it's even hard to call him my ex! I can't quite believe it still.

good luck to you. i, too, feel like my ex screwed me over in that b/c of him, i feel so bitter about love. i feel like i won't find someone again. but it's not true. WE WILL. we just have to learn from the break up and try with all of our might to move on.

we can do it!!!

xoxo! <333

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 11:16am

emma, please don't call him. even if is every 2 weeks. you are not letting yourself let go of him. i know it's hard, but i was in the same boat. i called him almost every other day for the first month. i wanted him back too. i was willing to do anything. but it had no dignity or class and i realized it when my ex- immediately started hanging out and going to dinners with his coworker the week after we broke up. he tried to call me to "say hi" a few times and even texted me to do lunch, but in reality he was just trying to see if i was still a fan of his because in the end, he always backed out.

i'm on almost 3 weeks of NC and it will be 2 months at the end of next week. ask yourself every time you want to call, is it worth it? i'll be happy to talk to him for a few minutes, but i'll feel awful emotionally afterwards. do you want to put yourself on that emotional rollercoaster?

love is a wonderful thing. by ending the relationship, this is chance for you to have a great learning experience of your own. you can reinvent yourself and become stronger in the process. go out and find something, a hobby for example, that you have always wanted to do and do it.

you'll see in time, that everything happens for a reason, even if you don't know it right away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 8:52pm
I just broke up with him today, but it wasn't the first time. We've been down this road before. I've broken up with him a dozen times over the past two years. He's always the one who came crawling back and I've been the sap that's taken him back. Why? Hope that it will somehow be different. That he will see me for the wonderful person that I am and fall madly in love with me all over again and finally stop taking me for granted. Not likely. Don't call him - don't take his calls. Cut all ties. The relationship has been damaged beyond repair. Ask yourself if you think you can ever go back to how it was in those first few weeks/months. It will never be that way again. Let go, find something wonderful that you've been neglecting - yourself. I know - happy, sappy. I'm not there either. I'm filled with rage, dispair and heartache - I don't look forward to the next few weeks. He'll call me again and what do I do then. I have to be stronger than that this time. It's the only way I'll be able to move on and open myself up to something truly wonderful again.... Not sure if it helps to hear it tho...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 9:32pm

Day three for me. I've known him for 30 years. Loved him the moment our eyes met. I was 14, he was 15. We've been apart, been together, been best friends, been together, and then after 18 years apart a marriage and child each we found each other again. When I heard he had gotten divorced I knew he'd surface, he always does. This time we've been together for 4 years, started back 7 years ago, but broke up because we were doing the long distance thing and I felt him drifting. By the time I broke up with him that time, he had already started seeing someone else. He didn't admit it for a long time and all the while he was seeing her, he would call me and write me love letters

Now we live in the same city. A mile apart. The last 2 years my job and my son have both demanded much of my time. He began to complain. I tried to make more time, but he was lonely and depressed and I just couldn't seem to get through to him. I struggled with the job and my son and soon began to drown in the stress and guilt. He complained, but never once offered to help. I avoided him sometimes, there just wasn't enough of me to go around. For years this man would pull me close and just about the time I'd get comfortable he'd disappear ie quit calling for days or weeks. Then I'd get insecure and pull back. Then he'd get close...You get the idea. So the past few months I've been trying, but I'm afraid it was too late. He kept saying he was lonely and tired of the way life was going and that something had to change. He said he was tired of looking out the window for my car in his driveway. The last time we had this conversation I promised him again, that I would really try. He said he didn't believe me anymore. Friday night my son was spending the night with a friend so I thought I go over to his house to
surprise him. Lit the candles, changed the sheets, slipped between them and waited. I woke up at 2:00am. By 4 I was frantic. He couldn't be dating, I'd begged him to tell me if he felt like he needed to start dating. He must be hurt. By 6 I was on his deck in my robe, pacing back and forth when she drove up to drop him off.

Monday we talked, had a nice evening together and at the end he dumped me. He said we were bound together, that we would always be part of each others lives, that he loved me and always would, but that he would not be lonely anymore. I am devestated.

He'll call again, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month or year, but he always comes to me when he's hurt or sad or between relationships. And it will start all over.
He lied to me, he lied to this girl (love to know how he explained the girl in her bath robe on his deck) He never tried to help me or offered to do anything that might make it easier for us to be together. He says she makes him happy and I complicate things. I have to get over him and on with my life.

How do you do that after 30 years? This weekend will be the worst. It will be their first weekend together. I don't know if I can take it. I have to, I can't call, I can't email, I can't even go to the grocery because I have to go past his house. If I can make it through this weekend, I might be okay. But I don't think so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 9:52pm

You'll be OK. You'll wake up tomorrow and bear it. It will hard. The pain is physical and unbearable sometimes - I know. Prior to this relationship I was married for 16 years. We also met when I was about 15 - married at 18. We were never fully functional tho. There were always other woman, even other children. One day I had just finally had enough and I couldn't allow myself to be treated like that anymore. It took me months to recover from that. I was convinced that life for me was over and that I would never feel love for anyone ever again. I HAD to hold on to the anger tho - I couldn't let him talk his way back into my life like he'd done so many times before. I didn't talk to him for three years. Just recently I started to allow him visitations with our two boys. (That didn't last long - it was all part of his game - he's got like 8 kids with 6 different woman - his way of populating the earth I guess) Anyway - the point is, I did heal from that. I met someone who made me feel wonderful again. Now that is over. Caught him cheating on me with HIS x-fiance. Life sucks right now. I'm not looking forward to this weekend either - casue we had plans and now I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. Go to my girls house and get drunk and talk sh*t about him I guess. I seriously want to go slash his tires or spit in his face, but I won't. I said all the mean, nasty things I could say to him (even emailed his ex and broke it down for her to) petty - I know, but what's a girl to do with so much anger?

Tonight I will cry and get my eyes all puffy so I look horrible tomorrow at work. I will have to go thru this whole process again and like you - I really don't want to feel anything right now.

But I know that we can be happy again - it will take some time, but we can find happiness again. Don't let him back in anymore girl. Don't let him torture you anymore like this - it's not fair - he doesn't deserve to come back whenever HE feels like it. He doesn't deserve you. Your better than he is... Remember that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:07pm

Thank you, really! I needed that.

I had a much easier time getting over my ex husband than this guy. I think the problem is that I never really have because I never really wanted to. Don't want to now, but this time I'm really really going to try.

I haven't been able to go to sleep in my bedroom. I can't bear the thought of going in there and turning off the lights. I've slept on the couch with the TV on for the last two nights. The TV keeps my son from hearing me cry and occasionally keeps my thoughts off him.

This weekend will be terrible. Between work and my son I haven't really made many friends here. Don't want to leave the house for fear of seeing the dreaded "them".
I'm glad I found this board. It kept me sane through work today and through homework time tonight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:21pm

This board has actually calmed me down a lot! I've been raging inside. I tried to watch a movie - that didn't work AT ALL. You need to get out tho - find a park someplace, sit under a tree and listen to the wind awhile, really focus on the something calm. Get in your own bed tonight, make yourself do it.

I hope you find some peace girl. I really do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:25pm
I will find peace and so will you. Time is on our side, even though it may not feel like it right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 10:39pm
I think that men tend to roll right into rebounds, while women need to get over the emotional bond before they can move on. When my ex and I broke up, I ran into him on a date only six weeks later (I was with my parents--awkward!). I was devistated. We are working things out now (six months later), and when I asked him how he was able to date so soon after we broke up, he said that he just couldn't stand to be alone (they only dated for a few weeks). I don't know if it helps you to think of it this way, but I kept telling myself that "she" is not the real thing. It was definitely hard for a little while, but I wasn't jealous of her. I knew it wasn't going to last for long. A lot of people will say that you shouldn't spend your time thinking about what he's thinking and doing, which is very good advice BUT I know it's hard not to think about it. It's just my way to move past it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 2:41pm
All of those feelings will past. If you hate feeling this way and thinking this way and acting this way...Stop. And then you will heal, you will get over it, and you will get better, and you WILL move on to love another again. That's the way of the world.