Hate being a yoyo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Hate being a yoyo
7
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 5:01pm
This is the 6th day since my boyfriend of two years broke up with me. I posted the other day on it. It has been SOOOO hard. I called out of work Tues. and today and I broke down at work yesterday! He had seemed not to be having a problem. He had gone on a date and kissed a girl and was talking to her daily. I overheard him to talking to her on the phone and I questioned him about it.

We were living together and he has no place to go. Or so he claimed. When I found out he was dating already I told him that he could n longer come in and out of this apartment. His step father told him that he could go stay with him. I started packing up his stuff and told him to come get it. That was another huge fight. He said that his step father wouldn't allow him to bring all of his things. I told him that that wasn't my problem and he would have to figure out what to do on his own. I packed up one car load and dropped it off at his step dad's house. When I left he hugged me and said that he understood.

I told him that I would bring another car load over tonight. He just made a face. I spoke to his sister and asked if his family hated me for being a bitch and making him take all of his stuff. She said no, that they love me and that they are just disappointed in him.

Last night my phone woke me up at 12:30 a.m. It was him saying that he made a huge mistake. He kept apologizing and saying that him without me wasn't right. He said he is acting like a little kid and he doesn't know what is wrong with him. I kept asking him if he was sure. Telling him that I didn't want it to happen again and he promised he would never leave me again. That we could get through anything. I said that we could meet up Friday night and talk then. I still didn't have too much feeling for him. I have been trying to dettach myself.

Then this morning when I am getting ready for work at 7:00 a.m. There is a knock on the door. It's him. Practically crying . Telling me that he just had to see me. Telling me that he felt so stupid and immature. That he wanted to be with me. I kept asking him really hard questions. Asking him if he could commit forever. What about next time he feels scared? He kept promising me that he wanted to be with me. To marry me. I finally started to tell him that I wanted to be with him too. Neither one of us ended up going to work. Then about 3 p.m. he starts saying that he's so confused and doesn't know what he wants. He tells me that he is not going to see any one and that he is still my boyfriend but he just needs time to decide if he is sure.

I couldn't believe it! I wanted to punch him. I didn't of course. He goes from telling me that when ever I am ready to take him back he will be waiting, to telling me that he is just going to leave me alone until he decides what he wants!!

I feel like I am being totally f**ked with! I feel like he has no regard for how I may be affected.

There is still a huge part of me that wants him to call and tell me that he wants to be with me. But if he can't keep a decision for 12 hours, I would be a complete idiot to think that he will never break up with me again!

This is affecting my job, affecting my health.

Why is my mind playing tricks on me? Thinking that this guy can be with me. What is WRONG WITH ME!?!!

Thank you for listening. Any feedback or someone to email with would be great. As many of you have said, my friends are getting sick of hearing this. I also feel like they will hate me if I get back together with him.

Thanks,

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 5:18pm
Sheri,

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. Your bf sounds very confused and is therefore confusing you too. Have you guys broken up before? Is this a pattern with him? I think he needs to figure out what he wants, w/o stringing you along. What is the deal with him and that other girl? I realize you want to be with him, but it doesn't seem like he is treating you very well. I think you were right in telling him that you would talk at a later date. That will allow you to clear your head. Do you want to be with him knowing that he is confused? Do you think he can change? Ultimately it is up to you, but maybe you need some time to yourself to figure out what you need and want. Good luck and know we are all here for you no matter what you decide. Stay strong and true to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 12:08am
He's going to leave you alone until he decides what he wants to do?!! What the hell?!!

Sheri, I know I'm not in your situation, but I honestly feel for you. As I read your post, I applauded your strength in firmly telling him he had to leave and take his things with him. I'm also glad that you took the bull by the horns and took two car loads of his junk to his stepfather's house. My XB and I broke up exactly one month ago yesterday and I too boxed up his stuff and dropped it off at his house. So I'm totally with you there.

I suppose what this all boils down to is what do YOU want and how do you want to be treated? You may want him, but then again, what does being with him mean? Does it mean being jerked around and being placed on the back burner while he takes his sweet time making up his mind what he wants? It sounds to me like he's already taken you through a lot of unnecessary changes. And personally, I think you completely blew his mind when you took his break-up like a smart and confident woman, esp. in removing his things from your place. Sounds like he had to know that he still mattered to you, begged you to take him back, and then the minute you did that, he KNEW he still had you!

Based upon all you've shared, I'd let him go. Either he's toying with your emotions or he's not mature enough to be with you. And personally, I wouldn't want a man who could break up with me one minute and be all cozy cozy with another woman the next.

Stop allowing yourself to be treated like a yo-yo and dump him, girl.

You know and I know that you deserve so much better!

All the best,

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 3:00pm
Hi

I understand you.

My 14 year relationship just ended last week. The whole time I was more ready for the next step than he was. But I waited and let him ask me to move in with him, let him propose to me without any pressure from me etc. And yet, later I hear that he wasn´t sure about any of the things he said. He wasn´t sure of his feelings. We talked a lot and I kept asking WHY he wants to marry me (we never did) and WHAT does HE feel.. He told me one thing then only to notice that he didn´t feel the same the next week.

What happened this week is that he called me after two days living apart and cried and told me that he wants us to try again and that he loves me and believes that we could be happy again. I felt the same way.. But I asked him many questions just to make sure that he wants to try again for the right reasons. He was so sure about everything. He wanted to be with me more than anything. I was so happy. We had talked about the break-up for four months and we decided it together, not any specific reason, we just didn´t feel we were happy- until the last two or three months, so I thought it could work out. And then, after 62 hours he suddenly says that he is so unsure and he doesn´t know if it would work out after all... I was so disappointed and I knew I couldn´t trust him anymore. I can´t live my life wondering whether he will change his mind again.. I have decided not to date anyone who cannot decide (again).

Katriella

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 3:25pm
Sheri, I am so sorry you are going through this. This guy is playing with your head. I'm guessing that his new girl didnt work out so now he is coming back to you. Uh-uh. Thats not right. You moved his stuff out which scared him cause it showed you meant business....he knows you are a great girl, that he was a damn fool to be a jerk. I dont think you should meet him to talk...you know how he is. He will only hurt you. He has a hook in you, with your emotions, that is all he wants.....control so he will have you as his back up plan whenever things dont go good........you wil spend your days fighting for his affection, always being stressed and wondering how you can make him stay with you.....arrgh! I went through it. Give him the boot. Cut off contact with him. This is so wrong what he is doing to you. DONT give in. Please..dont let him win..........you will be hurt again. and again. He wont care because he doesnt care about you....just what he can get from you...do something fun instead.....buy some good fahsion mags and settle down with a cup of lemonade! Go see a movie alone..eat lots of popcorn and enjoy being happy alone....give yourself a day of spa tretament.........these thinsg will make you feel good about yourself and make you see thatyou are a deserving, ineteresting, and special woman........who can be happy iwthout this worthless jerk. This guy is just trying to string you along! I know that it hurst alot..........I am going tthrough this too......but I promise, you will feel better...once you realize hwo good it feels without this guy hanging around making your self esteem low.......you deserve better Sheri. Weare all here for you.......but you have to love yoruslef enough to know that he hasnt changed, he's not gonna change any time soom...and if you fal for his tricks, as soon as another girl comes, he will say he doesnt know what he wants....and when he has slept with her or whateverhe wil come back to you and stuff and then a new girl will come, cycl continues! See him for what he is: a jerk. I know its hard...........but make a list of all the things you dislike about him, how he hurt you or whatever and read them.......and think , do you really want to feel like that . again? No..........you need to love yourself mroe than that, if you had a friend and she was going through this with her bf, you would tell her to leave his sorry ass........well, I'm telling you to do the same. We care about you Sheri! Youhave to care about you too......and ditch this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 3:29pm
My husband walked out on our marriage and me 3 yrs ago... within 6 months we were in counseling and it was exactly what each of you has said... he was now sure he wanted to be married (he admitted during counseling that when we married he didn't really want to marry anyone yet, but knew I'd dump him if he didn't since I had TOLD him what I was looking for in a relationship... commitment!), sure he could be 100% in it, felt horrible for hurting me blah, blah, blah... so here I am 3 yrs later and he walked out again. He is moving out this weekend... you know, sometimes it works that people can put it back together and sometimes it doesn't... but I know that 2 chances are plenty. I have told my husband (who now wants to be friends??? HUH?) that I want no contact after he moces out this weekend and that while I wish him no ill, I am just done with this... I can't keep riding his emotional roller coaster.

If your boyfriend did this... it's probably time to cut the ropes and let him go... it hurts bad... but will be healthiest in the end. I feel for you... I'm in the same boat and it sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 6:31pm
::Last night my phone woke me up at 12:30 a.m. It was him saying that he made a huge mistake. He kept apologizing and saying that him without me wasn't right. He said he is acting like a little kid and he doesn't know what is wrong with him. I kept asking him if he was sure. Telling him that I didn't want it to happen again and he promised he would never leave me again. That we could get through anything. I said that we could meet up Friday night and talk then. I still didn't have too much feeling for him. I have been trying to dettach myself.

::Then this morning when I am getting ready for work at 7:00 a.m. There is a knock on the door. It's him. Practically crying . Telling me that he just had to see me. Telling me that he felt so stupid and immature. That he wanted to be with me. I kept asking him really hard questions. Asking him if he could commit forever. What about next time he feels scared? He kept promising me that he wanted to be with me. To marry me. I finally started to tell him that I wanted to be with him too. Neither one of us ended up going to work. Then about 3 p.m. he starts saying that he's so confused and doesn't know what he wants. He tells me that he is not going to see any one and that he is still my boyfriend but he just needs time to decide if he is sure.

This scenario is so typical - during a break up, you feel lonely, lost, hurt, you seek comfort - even from the person you use to be in a relationship with, even if you were the one doing the breaking up, the overwhelming anxiety of being alone, facing the decision you (he) made, seeks comfort, reassurance, love, attention, affection and guess what? when the initial panic wears off, then he looks back and will now question whether or not it's right to get back together with the person they just broke up with.

The panic will pass, that's the great thing about practicing no contact until you are healed.

Ok, enough about him. What do you want? He's not sure what he wants, so it will be up to you to set boundaries, take care of you and get on your healing path. That means not being swayed by his words, especially when he's in a panic, feeling lonely, scared, etc.

My best to you on your healing path.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 8:46pm
Hi Sheri,

I couldn't agree more with the other posters. Most of us - if not all - have been there at one point. It's soooo tempting to believe that our Xs have changed for the better. It's music to our ears to hear how much they've missed us, how they'll never take us for granted again, how they can't live w/o us, yada yada yada. Then months or years later, bam- it happens! They f*** up again. Like another poster has stated, two chances are more than sufficient. When do our Xs start thinking about us more, and them less? Isn't selflessness a compoment of love? They are not exhibiting selflessness when they attempt to string us along. In reality, they are trying to have their cake & consume it too. NO WAY!!! Life doesn't work that way. There's always going to be trade-offs and if they'd rather trade us off for the "good life" - then good riddance to them.

I gave my X 2x chances... and he had the nerve to ask for a 3rd. No more! I took back control of my emotions, my heart, my sanity, and my days... and you must also. Don't give this jerk so much power over you. As he's already shown, he is not mature enough to handle the type of commitment you deserve.

Take care,

Claire