haunting past

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
haunting past
5
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 8:38am
Hi and I'm new here, and have a complicated situation ... 10 years ago I was physically abused and put the guy in prison for 5 years. I set up a sting with the police and for my protection he didn't know I called 'em - they had an outstanding warrent on him so he was arrested. I did visit him in prison till I met someone else and we broke up. A year ago he contacted me while on medical leave in the Navy, after no contact for 8 years. We started a relationship again and I was really proud of his patriotism and felt he was rehabilitated from the past - then he was sent back to finish his deployment and we communicated thru e-mail mostly. My question is, should he ever find out I was the one to put him in prison? Should I ever tell him? ... it weighs on my mind and I feel like maybe I should set him straight on what really happened, like I'm hiding a terrible dark secret ~ V
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 3:52pm
Wow, this does seem like a complicated relationship. I am sure you have dealt with all the emotional damage that he caused you by physically abusing you. I don't understand why you would keep dating this guy after it happened and you sent him to prison. I also hope he has dealt with his issues. If you really swear he is a changed man then I guess you can carry on a relationship but I do think he should know what happened. Did you two ever talk about what he did to you? At the time did he think it was okay to abuse you like that? I think your biggest question, and maybe you have already answered this to yourself, is if it is the right thing to be in a relationship with him. I have a good friend that is in prison and I believe people can change their ways. I suggest you tell him what happened, even if it ends the relationship. It is going to catch up with you some day and will be impossible for you to hide it.

The ladies on these boards give excellent advice and I know it will help you, whatever you decide to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 5:48pm
My question is, why did you visit in prison and why are you dating again a guy who was so physically abusive to you he spent five years in prison? I mean, seriously, you clearly don't have amnesia, right, and past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, so why wouldn't your question be "how do I get out of an ill-advised relationship with a man likely to abuse me again?" Sweetie, I know that being abused can wreak havoc on your self-esteem, and that you can come to be unreasonably forgiving and dependent upon an abuser. I think you should seek therapy to get an answer to why, of all the wonderful men out there, you've chosen to GO BACK to a man who physically abused you. You got away once, what happens WHEN it starts up again? Honestly, the fact that you visited him in prison and considered yourselves still a "couple" while he was in prison is evidence that you need to talk to a professional about why you're not drawing appropriate boundaries and respecting yourself enough to dissasociate from men who hurt you and do not deserve to be with you. If nothing else, imagine how hard it would be to get him arrested/convicted again if he abused you again, since you TOOK HIM BACK after the first abuse. You may think he's rehabilitated, he may understand that he has free reign to hurt you again without any real consequences, from the law or from you (you've proven that he can do almost anything to you and you'll be loving, forgiving, and understanding).

Be proud of his rehabilitation, if indeed that's what has happened (and IF it happened, it could only have happened with extensive therapy, by the way). Be happy for him if he's gotten his life back on track. But why on earth would you endanger your future to renew a romantic attachment to someone who had so little respect for you and so little understanding of appropriate behavioral boundaries that HE BEAT YOU???? You're asking the wrong question. It's not "do I tell him I busted him," it's "what on earth am I doing renewing a relationship with my abuser?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 9:38pm
Wow...that's a tough one! I don't know if I could tell him if I were you....of course I don't think I could have had the courage to give him a second chance. I think I'd be worried that he'd start the abuse again. I can understand how this ways on you and it very well could be a test of his self-control. Just be prepared for anything and know that there is a possiblity he might end things. Are you planning to tell him via e-mail or wait until he's home? If you tell him in person...just be careful and make sure there are people around...just in case. Good luck and keep us posted!!









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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 7:38am
I agree that it might catch up with me someday and he suspects my part in it anyway - and he hinted that he may know the truth ... but he may be trying to bluff me into a confession. He went to prison on an issue with his x and not my abuse - but I turned him in 'cause of it. And he totally apologized when we reunited a year ago, on Med-hold in the military. I really appreciate your input and know it'll help me in making a decision. Thanks, V
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 8:05am
Hey, thanks for your insight ~ actually he was arrested on an issue with his x and there was a warrant I could get him on, NOT for abusing me. I guess I visited him 'cause I loved him and was responsible for his incarceration, feeling some guilt 'cause he didn't know I did this ... ya I needed counsel. Back to the present> 9 years later ~ He has apologized for beating me and WAS sincere - and his military dedication is admirable ... could you forgive someone who put you in prison for 5 years?? V