Have any of you been left for the fir...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Have any of you been left for the fir...
4
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 9:53am

Have any of you been left for the first love?



  • yes
  • no


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 10:02am
I was...about 9 to 10 months into our relationship he came in contact with his first love from --- get this -- 22 years ago (we are both in our 40's). Can you say 'in with the old and out with the new'?

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 12:55am
So sorry to hear. Mine was after 25 years of marriage and 3 children.

He found his first love from 34 years before.

It is/was hard. Been 3 years now, since the divorce.

They are still together. Somehow, that's unsettling for me, because I have heard that affairs usually end after 2 years due to trust issues.

I guess that you should be comforted that you had not invested too much time. Although, I know that that is the one thing we can never get back.

Hope you're on the mend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 11:30am
Yeah, I know what you mean about investing more time. We were together another couple of months after his initial contact with her. I knew they were chatting on the phone periodically, but didn't think much of it at first, although looking back I do realize that with every contact with her -- he was disconnecting from me a little. Just shortly after we were together for a year, I got the 'I need space'..'too much going on in my life right now for a relationship' cliches. He still wanted to see me, but not with the understanding we had of spending our free night (sans kids) together every weekend (we both have two children from our marrages). In truth, he needed space because she was spending a few days in town and he wanted to spend time with her. He wanted to explore the possibilities with her while putting me on the back burner. I didn't know this at the time. I found out a week later by running into them at a local restaurant (yikes). That was back in April and I have no clue if they are still involved at this point. She lives 200 miles away, so there are some logistical problem.

Anyway, yes -- I am on the mend. I have taken this time to learn about myself and the choices I make.

I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through. I wonder if going back to that first love makes them feel young again -- like going back to a time when responsibilites were light and life was more carefree. I mean, I personally can't imagine still being hung up on someone I dated when I was 20. Shoot, I can barely remember that long ago.

So how about you? Were you able to move on and create a good life for yourself?

Take care,

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 8:08pm
Betrayal is something that I will never be able to understand. I can't imagine what you went through when you ran into them.

I wish that I had gotten ANY indication that there was anything wrong.

He was extremely deceptive. (Of course, I am speaking of both my ex and your boyfriend.)

At the time that the affair was going on, he would try to convince my children that I was having an affair. (At the time, my job required overtime hours.) He even tried to convince me. My daughter (age 15, at the time) told me that she thought her dad was having an affair. Must have been so hard for her to tell me.

Afterwards, everything that I have read has said the same thing. The ones practicing the deception try to throw suspicion ob the innocent party. Seems at the end, my children knew.

Yes, I do believe that they try to recapture their youth. For me, it seemed so unfair. When we married, I was 18, he 26. With no indication that he had any baggage. Imagine my surprise.

And, I am like you. Heck, I wouldn't want to run into anyone of the first guys I dated. My first love? I wouldn't stop to give him a lift, if he were broken down.

I have learned alot about myself. Some good, some not so good.

My children are 27,23 & 18. So, what do I do? I fell in love with someone with children 6 & 12.

I just couldn't go back again. I tried. Was even married for a brief time.

Seems somehow unfair, all my life I have tried to do the "right thing", and by doing so, I lose myself.

So, now with 2 marriages under my belt, I am ready to figure out just what it is that I want.

Currently, unemployed. I know that things will get better, they always do. I have faith that they will.