Have i been suckered again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Have i been suckered again?
10
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 2:40pm
Hello!

Anyone who's read my posts knows that my bf of 3 years broke up with me in April (third time) because he wasn't ready (after 3 years!!) for our serious relationship. We're 27. He won't take me home to mom and dad due to cultural differences and i have caught him online cheating.

Anyway - after 3 months of being split up, he begged me to come back. He promised he would change, take me home, etc... Well, I took him back - and immediately he was like "Well, i don't know. I thought you moved on?" But we went back together anyway, working on our relationship.

Today he tells me that he is still unsure about me since he thought I moved on after the breakup and he is hesitant to take me home until he doesn't have this unsure feeling any longer. He also says he's not ready (gee, big surprise) for our serious relationship once again!!!! Although, he says he doesn't want to break up now because he loves me.

I'm 27. I have a great career, I'm very attractive, and intelligent - so I don't want to waste my time on him (3 yrs already) if its always going to be like this. Am I being unreasonable with my expectations?

I feel like he's punishing ME for our breakup!


Edited 7/28/2004 2:44 pm ET ET by malena78

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 3:32pm
Malena:

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this guys uncertainity. It seems to me that you know what you want/need from him, unfortunatly he's not delivering. I think you know what you need to do. He seems very insecure and confused. Not exactly a quality I would want from a guy of the age of 27 who I had been with for 3 years! You know what you deserve don't be afraid to look for it...in someone else!

best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 3:37pm
Hi Malena,

I have been coming to the boards for a few months so I am familar with your story. I hope you don't mind if I tell you exactly how I see this situation.

He is not punishing you. What he has done, very cleverly, is put himself back in the position of power and control. He wanted you back so he made promises. That gave you the upper hand. You told him the way it was going to be if you came back. Now, big surprise, he has no intentions of honoring those promises. And he has manipulated the situation to make it look as it is somehow your fault that he can't honor these promises. He has no new information concerning what you did during the break up. Now all of a sudden he has doubts because you 'moved on' during the breakup. I guess 'moved on' is a euphemism for getting with someone else. He was fully aware of this when he wanted you back. Once two people break up, they are no longer in an exclusive relationship. They are pretty much free to do as the spirit moves them.

He is just using it as an excuse to keep the status quo. Once again, the ball is back in his court and he has total control on how this relationship moves, or doesn't move along. So now, after all you have gone through for the last three months, the pain you lived through and overcame, trying to move on and get over him, you are right back to the same place you didn't want to be 3 months ago.

The heck to what he wants. What do you want? Do you want to invest another 3 precious years of your life with someone who will probably just string you along? He lacks integrity and is a manipulator. This is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Trust me on that!

I have seen the advice that you give others and I know you call it as you see it, so start thinking with your head and not your heart. This man will give you nothing but heartache down the road. ((hugs)

Lois




Edited 7/28/2004 3:40 pm ET ET by iofbeholder

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 3:39pm
Hi Malena

I am new here so I havent read alot of you previous posts but from this one it sounds to me like this guy has not changed. It sounds like he isnt ready but he doesnt want to lose you in the meantime so he is making promises and stalling to keep you around until HE is ready. Thats not fair. After 3 years your expectations are completely reasonable so do not doubt yourself. Like you said you are 27 and you dont want to waste time waiting for this guy to finally come around. You dont deserve empty promises. As for meeting his parents...he cant "hide" you from his parents for the rest of his life and you would eventually have to meet them so why after 3 years has he still not done it? It sounds almost cowardly on his part (but then again I really dont know the WHOLE situation). I say you take your intelligent, successful, beautiful self and find someone who will appreciate you for who you are and who would be proud to bring you home to meet the family no matter what!! You deserve better! We all do. Good Luck.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 6:45pm
No, I don't think you've been "suckered" at all. That's a victim's role and you need to take responsibility for your choice. What you've done is CHOOSE to go back to a situation you knew from numerous prior experiences was unlikely to succeed.

It is always going to be like this. That's a promise. The only *possible* chance that it would change is if he put himself in some serious, intensive counseling and worked his butt off to change. And even then, the chances of him succeeding are small.

Sheri


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 10:14am
You are right - but when he tells me that he wants to introduce me to his dad and he realizes now that he's lost me that I am "the one", then of course I believe that by coming back - it could finally be all that I hope it would be. I'm naive.

He told me last night that he does not have entire control of this relationship and I could tell him to 'f' off if I want. I think it hurts worse that he would be so indifferent to my feelings - If I leave him, I don't think he'd even be upset now. I just wonder why he wants to be with me at all? I wonder even more why I continue to hang on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 10:38am
My ex did the almost identical thing. I realized though, it was just a big game. He was trying to keep me at arms reach to feed his ego. But, like most guys, was so insecure about me being with other people. It really is a game that you are unfortunately fueling. I put an end to it. I realized he was purposely jerking me around. It is so much more destructive for you, not for him. For him, it's a game. It is also a sign of a scared individual who can't make mature decisions. Instead he does and says things at random. Believe me, you don't want this in your life. It brings you instability. And I know the thought of rekindling things is so tempting, but look at it this way. How could he possibly be a good boyfriend if he keeps on going back and forth? Find the strength to not let yourself participate in his immature games. Best of luck!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 10:54am
You have read He's Scared, She's Scared, right? In most cases, it's never over with a c'phobe until YOU say it's over...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 1:21pm
Sorry girl you have to go through this. This is just advise but trust me it wont change unless he completely grows up and learns that he needs you.. I have been going through this with my boyfriend for a little over a year.. Same stuff he always says stuff to bring me back it never changes.. I finally said Ill be your friend if you need to talk Ill be here.. But your wasting my time.. I love him but I know I completely deserve better and this outweighs love for me any day.. Cause I can meet someone that will give me respect and love and commit to me..
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 3:00pm
But I keep wondering if maybe I'm expecting too much? Shouldn't I understand about the parents issue since they are from another culture? Also, I like to talk a lot and he hates it. I travel about 30% for my job so I call him everyday and we chat online. It makes me feel connected. He says he feels like i'm always trying to change him and he feels pressure. Yet, the moment he leaves me, he wants me back.

I"m so upset and confused. I spend all day obsessing over this and how I could be a better girlfriend. I try not to call - but then he ends up calling me anyway, so why is it bad if I call? I try not to talk to him online, but then he just ignores me online all day and it makes me feel bad.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 4:31pm
Oh, you're breaking my heart. It is SO not about you being a better gf!!!!! And it is SO not about his parents' culture...it is 100% about HIM and his inability to be in a truly intimate, committed r'ship.

Until you accept that, you're going to beat your head against the wall. I did that for four years with my c'phobic ex...and then it took me 3 years to get over him becaues I let him keep in touch with me and suck me back in every 6 months or so. When we were together, I kept thinking that exact same thing...if I were just a better gf, thinner, a better housekeeper...it would all work out. Bull. It's not me, it's not you (except to the extent that we are drawn to unavailable men due to our own issues)...it's the way these guys are...incapable!!!

Sheri