Have I suffered emotional abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Have I suffered emotional abuse?
12
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 12:34pm

Hello everyone.  Please advise me and give me your honest opinion.  I do suffer with anxiety/depression and I've lived on my own now for 3 yrs aft my son's Father gained custody.  I have been through a traumatic experience 3 yrs ago re this as I was left basically in the gutter by my son's Father!  I gave up my HA house to give my son's Father another chance and we'd be a family again.  However, aft 6 mths, my son's Father did emotionally abuse me and physically did just before he left with my son!  It took a year and a half to recover from that trauma and I became a bit of a recluse - never went out socially and suffered anxiety which I am taking meds for at the moment.  I did become very confident aft my friend forced me to go out on my b'day.  I found myself again and was happy going out as the house I live in now really helped too (private rented).

Last June, I was out with friends and a man asked me to sing with him on karoke.  I did.  He asked me out but I was nervous and instead went out with a friend but I bumped into him that night.  He treated me and my friend to drinks and he mentioned my hair was dry.  My friend didn't like that!  He mentioned that we would end up together! I thought it a bit strange.  Nevertheless I agreed to meet him for a drk.  I continued seeing him but a couple of things did upset me but I realised he was a popular person, lively and loved his drink (he's Irish).  He said he wanted me to meet his family and said 'welcome to my family'.   I got on with them straight away!  They welcomed me.

He lives with his Mum and Dad but it's his house and pays mortgage. (His Dad nearly died and their boat got flooded so he asked them to move in with him.)  He used to be with a woman (for 6 yrs) who lived with him and his parents but she wanted space away from parents but he couldn't afford two mortgages - she left.

I was invited up for dinner alot and we did have time together even though parents were upstairs.  They went away alot and it was good but during Summer months only.

He told me I had no boobs!  He was drunk and was looking down.  I asked him to apologise but he repeated it!  I threw my glass of wine in his face and ran out of house! I was gutted!  We split up for 2 wks.  Had to meet him as I'd left some keys in his house. Got back with him. Forgave him.   Nothing was arranged for a Fri  night so I went out on my own and saw some old friends ( 2 chaps who weren't interested in me that way).  Just spoke to them both.  He came into pub and came up to me and said if he hadn't had come in I would have prob slept with one of them!  I walked out and said nothing!  We broke up for 4 wks. 

He rang me aft 4 wks and asked me to see him at his house for a chat - something had happened to him.  I did.  He had had his teeth knocked out in a pub and had lost his confidence.  I stood by his side for wks not going out just being with him until his teeth were sorted out.  Even went to dentist with him!

Xmas last yr was mixed emotions.  Xmas Day was brill - just us two.  Boxing Day was a total disaster!  Drink was to blame.  He insulted me, accused me of sw earing at his parents when I didn't.  He accused me of being sad when so much had been done for me!  I wasn't - I just sat back whilst family photos were being took! He mentioned me not wrking coz I am unwell with anxiety claiming benefits when he has to slog at work etc.  His family went upstairs and heard all of this!  He didn't stop shouting at me!  He was furious!  Earlier I asked to speak with him but his Mother said 'No, you can't it's my house!'  I said it was Bernie's - that's all I said.  I got shouted at for this!  I was gutted! Felt so bad.  I forgave him for this.

NYEve, he left me and walked home and locked his door.  Only coz I wanted to go into anotha pub for one more half!  I went to the house and he let me in.  We ended up hugging and crying at midnight! 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 1:03pm

Sorry but I don't know how to start a new thread as new on here so continuing on this page.

Boxing Day contd.  HIs sister did come downstairs and asked if I was ok I replied no.  I just took it and took it.  I explained he made me feel suicidal and that it had done a lot of damage to our r/ship.  He said it was the drink talking.

When I went up to the house again his parents said it was the drink too - all family's have arguments etc.

However, this year, things seemed to have got worse over time.  Had our good nights together and two whole days too when he's off work.  But he has wet my settee and my bed twice over last 8 mths!  Forgave him for this as he was so tired aft work and had had drink.  He finished with me end of Jan for a week.  I have received nasty texts accusing me of being with someone else coz I wasn't in one morning! I was walking my dog!  When I was with my son he sent horrible texts to me upsetting me, and my son had to leave coz he was frightened he wd come round.   He did apologise and asked me to forgive him aft he said I wouldn't hear from him again.   We got back together aft a week.  Valentines Day/wk was great!  He must have spent £100 on me with red roses and take-aways and nice card.  A wk later he finished with me!  He said 'I go off on one'.  All I do is speak up/voice my opinion.  He came round and apologised.  We got together for just under 1 mth and although I forgave him for a couple of things it was ok.  He has asked me to marry him lots of times but situation isn't right (parents at home).  Even wanted my baby! I said I was too old now.  He's been ringing me or txting me every night during wk when he's wrking saying he loves me, misses me etc

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 3:23pm

Thanks for reading this far! 

A wk later aft Val.Day (Red roses, card, 2 take-aways during that wk) went to his house - just us two there.  Our time.  He said he had offered to look aft his sister's kids for her if she had cancer and died!  (Lump on her throat due for biopsy.) I said early days yet.  He talked about it all night. I listened. When we went upstairs for our time he still kept going on!  I apologised and left saying it had spoilt getting 'close' with him.  Nxt day he brought round some flowers left on back dr.  I was out with dog that mornin and then met some friends for lunch. My phone was off. When I switched it on I got lots of texts accusing me of being with someone else coz I wasn't in! Phone was off etc.  Told me to throw flowers in bin!  I was a liar  re seeing my son!  Hope I had a good time!  Texts contd all day on and off.  Had my son that eve and he still kept sending nasty txts. He finished with me! (3rd time)  My son got scared as I was upset. He knew it was him and frightened he'd come round (Never met him!)  Had to ask his Dad to pick him up at 10pm that night. My night was spoilt! I was upset and felt guilty re son.  Felt angry too.   He did apologise alot and said I wouldn't hear from him again.  Asked me to forgive him.  I ignored text.

Six days later he came round v late.  I accepted we were finished but he didn't want to.  I suggested being friends but he said if he left house I wouldn't see him again! Said doesn't want to finish with me. I forgave him.

Two nights later, due to drink, I slapped him round the face for hurting me so much.  He hugged me and stayed with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 3:33pm

Three wks went by and things ok.   His sister was clear of cancer.  He'd got new job in pipeline too.  Hated the one he had!

Went out on a Fri and he sang a song for me and mentioned we'd been together for 8 months. It was a good night.   Due to bad weather didn't see my son and I was low.  He came down on Sun night to see me (no dinner for me at hs hse!? No invite!) We went out.  Everything fine until I saw him kissing two women on lips!  First time I'd seen him do this.  (Does hug women he knows well in front of me. Used to this though.)  I questioned him and asked if he wanted me to do this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 3:43pm

He said he didn't need this!  I told him to go home to his Mum and Dad then left.  He walked the other way.

When I got home he texted and finished with me (4th time)!  He said he'd had enough.  He'd had to walk away again!  Nothing in kissing them - friends. Told me to go back into pub and have a good time with a man!  To enjoy myself and good luck!  I went out again knowing my friends were in another pub and stayed with them.  I was v upset.

I texted him and said I didn't deserve all this.  Kissing on lips is unacceptable etc.  Felt like I'd been used for one thing I said.  He replied that I was so wrong.  Knew women for a long time.  Told me to move on, we weren't suited, not fair to keep hurting each other and not to contact him again.    (A week ago he said we were meant to be together via text!)    I didn't contact him. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 3:51pm

I changed to my otha phone and turned off sim no he knew

I went out the following wkend with friends and seemed ok although I did cry at night.  I decided to see if he had texted me so used old phone.  He had txtd me on Mon 1st April saying he was really worried about me and asked me up for dinner if interested.  I couldn't believe it!  I didn't go as  didn't get text til Wed.  I txtd him and asked if we could meet for a chat to end this friendly not nastily.  He replied he would but then txtd nxt day saying he didn't think it worthwhile mtg up.  Told me to move on.  Be happy.  Good luck. Not fair to keep hurting each other. Ended txt with a kiss.   I left it. Didn't respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 3:56pm

(Also said not to drag this out!  Perhaps we have no future!)

The next night aft that last text he came round really late to my house.  He banged on glass door.  He was drunk.  I asked him what he wanted.  He replied for a talk and a cuppa tea.  I let him in.  He hugged me.  He said I kept going off on one he couldn't take it.  He said he loved me and always will do.  He said I don't remember what I've said in txts. I said I did (I know what I put.)  I tried to explain re my teeth (he finished w me 3 days b4 I was due to have a tooth out) he never texted no support either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 4:03pm

He said thought it wasn't appropriate (seeing that he finished with me.)  I was there for him for wks whilst he was having his teeth sorted out!  He replied 'It's not all about you you know!'  Then said I had sent him horrible txts.  I only texted the truth re my teeth and kissing was unacceptable.  Basically how I felt.

He said he always comes back to me and doesn't know why!  Doesn't know how we're gonna do this (?) He asked me to cuddle him in bed - nothing else. I said no.  He then mentioned settee cuddles.  He kissed me hard.  Sang to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 4:08pm

He told me he had anotha job with a company car. Gave in his notice.

I suggested havin anotha cigarette and tried to roll one.  He snatched my machine out of my hand and threw it onto worktop!  He kissed me again.  He pulled me to my otha room where settee was.  I reached for my phone and said  I was ordering a cab for him as he had a job in morning.  (It didn't seem right at all for me.)  He left in cab.  He rang me aft and said if I loved him I wouldn't have ordered a cab for him! I said I was scared/confused.  He said moreorless 'forget it'.  Hasn't txted all week - nothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2013
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 4:17pm

(I did mention I had been to Drs as all this had made me v upset.)

I haven't been sleeping properly since he finished with me.  I am now very anxious and shaky.  I cry but not as much as  I did at first.  I feel very alone and my emotions are all over the place! I haven't been out at night for two wkends now - just doesn't feel right for me as too shaky.  I did love him. I wanted him to myself.  He has 4 kids. He did say they were the most important thing to him (as well as his parents, sisters, brother).  Think I've had a breakdown tbh.  Was this EMOTIONAL ABUSE? Please advise x

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 04-14-2013 - 8:02pm

stuirose wrote:
<p>Hello everyone.  Please advise me and give me your honest opinion.  I do suffer with anxiety/depression and I've lived on my own now for 3 yrs aft my son's Father gained custody.  I have been through a traumatic experience 3 yrs ago re this as I was left basically in the gutter by my son's Father!  I gave up my HA house to give my son's Father another chance and we'd be a family again.  However, aft 6 mths, my son's Father did emotionally abuse me and physically did just before he left with my son!  It took a year and a half to recover from that trauma and I became a bit of a recluse - never went out socially and suffered anxiety which I am taking meds for at the moment.  I did become very confident aft my friend forced me to go out on my b'day.  I found myself again and was happy going out as the house I live in now really helped too (private rented).</p><p>Last June, I was out with friends and a man asked me to sing with him on karoke.  I did.  He asked me out but I was nervous and instead went out with a friend but I bumped into him that night.  He treated me and my friend to drinks and he mentioned my hair was dry.  My friend didn't like that!  He mentioned that we would end up together! I thought it a bit strange.  Nevertheless I agreed to meet him for a drk.  I continued seeing him but a couple of things did upset me but I realised he was a popular person, lively and loved his drink (he's Irish).  He said he wanted me to meet his family and said 'welcome to my family'.   I got on with them straight away!  They welcomed me.</p><p>He lives with his Mum and Dad but it's his house and pays mortgage. (His Dad nearly died and their boat got flooded so he asked them to move in with him.)  He used to be with a woman (for 6 yrs) who lived with him and his parents but she wanted space away from parents but he couldn't afford two mortgages - she left.</p><p>I was invited up for dinner alot and we did have time together even though parents were upstairs.  They went away alot and it was good but during Summer months only.</p><p>He told me I had no boobs!  He was drunk and was looking down.  I asked him to apologise but he repeated it!  I threw my glass of wine in his face and ran out of house! I was gutted!  We split up for 2 wks.  Had to meet him as I'd left some keys in his house. Got back with him. Forgave him.   Nothing was arranged for a Fri  night so I went out on my own and saw some old friends ( 2 chaps who weren't interested in me that way).  Just spoke to them both.  He came into pub and came up to me and said if he hadn't had come in I would have prob slept with one of them!  I walked out and said nothing!  We broke up for 4 wks. </p><p>He rang me aft 4 wks and asked me to see him at his house for a chat - something had happened to him.  I did.  He had had his teeth knocked out in a pub and had lost his confidence.  I stood by his side for wks not going out just being with him until his teeth were sorted out.  Even went to dentist with him!</p><p>Xmas last yr was mixed emotions.  Xmas Day was brill - just us two.  Boxing Day was a total disaster!  Drink was to blame.  He insulted me, accused me of sw earing at his parents when I didn't.  He accused me of being sad when so much had been done for me!  I wasn't - I just sat back whilst family photos were being took! He mentioned me not wrking coz I am unwell with anxiety claiming benefits when he has to slog at work etc.  His family went upstairs and heard all of this!  He didn't stop shouting at me!  He was furious!  Earlier I asked to speak with him but his Mother said 'No, you can't it's my house!'  I said it was Bernie's - that's all I said.  I got shouted at for this!  I was gutted! Felt so bad.  I forgave him for this.</p><p>NYEve, he left me and walked home and locked his door.  Only coz I wanted to go into anotha pub for one more half!  I went to the house and he let me in.  We ended up hugging and crying at midnight! </p>

You should check out the domestic violence boards here and get some feedback from the ladies over there: http://www.ivillage.com/forums/love-sex/crisis-resources/recognizing-dealing-domestic-abuse

As long as he drinks (and can't control himself when he does), you're going to be in for a whole lot more verbal abuse from him... and it may escalate to more.  This guy isn't in a place where he is a good candidate for an intimate, exclusive relationship.  He is too busy taking pot shots at you, tearing you down when it suits him, screaming at you when he feels like it, accusing you of things you aren't doing.

Do you like the woman you have to become in order to have this man in your life?

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