Have you ever gotten back with an exe?
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Have you ever gotten back with an exe?
| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 3:03pm |
Have you ever gotten back with an exe?
- YES
- NO
You will not be able to change your vote.
| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 3:03pm |
You will not be able to change your vote.
I will say that the ultimate breakup was for reasons unrelated to the first breakup, BUT, I will also say that the very experience of breaking up fundamentally weakens your relationship. When my ex was being an ass while I had cancer, and I was thinking about taking a "break," if not a full breakup, because I couldn't deal with him and my health at the same time, all these residual feelings from the first breakup kept coming back to me, and that strongly influenced my decision to end it. Ending a relationship really should be a last-straw act after you've tried everything to make it work (if you really are in love), it's not something to casually toss out there, because it is a huge betrayal of trust and intimacy. If the ex decides it was all a big mistake and he really loves you, he looks like a flake, and he has introduced a dangerous new possibility into the relationship - for both of you, breaking up is now an option, whereas it wasn't even conceivable to me before the breakup. So, while you may not find yourself dealing with something like cancer, think about what happens the next time he hurts or upsets you. Because, now, he's the guy who broke your heart, your tarnished "Prince Charming," not completely a good guy. How hard are you going to work to get past the relationship difficulties you'll face? How hard will he work? He's already proven his fondness for the easy way out - I know people who have had 3 or 4 breakups, imagine going through all this again and again with the same guy. Or, given how much the breakup hurt you, how much will you put up with to avoid going through that again?
Also, from experience, it devalues your "fairy tale," makes a mockery of things like anniversaries, erodes at all the little stories you tell yourself (and will someday tell the grandkids) about your romance, because it is such a blighted, interrupted mess. Plus, part of getting over the breakup is desensitizing yourself to the memories, to the anniversaries, unplugging yourself from the fondness for every little detail about him and your life together, how do you "reconnect" all that months later if he comes back? Mine broke up with me a week before our one-year anniversary. I'll never have that anniversary. Would we ever have been able to celebrate that day, years later? What, would we have started with our 2nd anniversary? We started dating on my brother's birthday, I'll be reminded of it, and reminded that I spent our first "anniversary" sobbing and throwing up in an anguish of pain. It's the missed opportunities at milestones like that that are surprisingly painful to cope with if you get back together.
It's just a great deal of work to make reconciliation work, and most often there's only one of you who has proven she is willing to do work to make the relationship work, so it will be you doing all the heavy lifting (even if he makes an initial show of having "changed"). Then there's the jealousy and curiosity about what he was doing while you were apart, things like having to get STD testing again and using a condom the first times you're together because you don't know where he's been, that's really hard when you've been in love with and intimate with someone for a while. And, speaking of that mysterious "other life" he lived, what if he shows signs of it, new tricks in bed, new patterns of behavior, new figures of speech, how uncomfortable will that make you? What about his friends and family, what if they were introduced to new girls while you were apart? What did he tell everyone about you and why you broke up? What about your friends, who know all the gory details and the pain you've experienced, can they ever be enthusiastic about your relationship again, or will they always view yours as a damaged relationship, and just be making bets on how long it will take for you to breakup again? Think, too, that his friends are doing the same, maybe giving him a hard time about being with you after whatever he said about you. Can you both face the pressure and isolation you're likely to face when you're freshly a "happy couple" that everyone knows is actually a deeply troubled couple? Sure, most couples have problems, safely hidden away in closets, but your issues have been exposed for the world, can anyone really be happy for you again? Will you be happy knowing others are cynical about your chances? I'm just saying, you can't imagine the obstacles you'll face in making reconciliation work, and if you and your partner weren't good at making love work without all these obstacles, how likely is it that you'll overcome this additional stress, too?
I'm going through my second breakup from the same guy. I was a couple of months from the breakup and just starting to get over him, dating, feeling like there was light at the end of the tunnel, when he came back and we tried again. Now, a year later, here I am again, and it's worse. It's been five months, and I'm still not okay. I've spent the last two summers with a broken heart. I've spent substantial parts of my early career distracted and distraught, and I think it has affected my career development. I have exhausted my friends and family. I wish I had just been strong enough to move on without him last year, I think I would be in a much better place today. Instead of wasting a year on him, I've wasted more than two (with post-breakup recovery, it looks more like two and a half). I'm not back at square one in finding a life partner, I'm at some negative, pre-square one place. I wouldn't be here if I'd just accepted the breakup and moved on last year. I know that all you can think about is getting back together. Despite knowing better, I often think of it myself. But, please, consider that getting back together is not the best outcome for you. Message me if you'd like, at least my bad experience could be helpful to someone else.
As for getting back with someone, I have as well. A few times with different men. And, I have NOT taken back a few as well. One I even gotten back with AND MARRIED! I am now divorced. I know it doesn't always work out. I know all of the hardships of reconciliation. I've been there. I have definitely learned to think with my head & not with my heart when it comes to these things.