Haven't completely given up yet
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| Wed, 03-29-2006 - 2:39pm |
Just broke up with my bf over the phone...we were taking a "break" of 1 week, but I sensed that things were not ever going to work out for us if we continued in the relationship at the moment. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and I don't feel the same as I normally do after breakups: I don't want to go shopping, or stay busy, or date new people. I only cried very briefly and that was it, I miss him and that's not going to go away quickly. If I listen to my gut instinct, it tells me that we both loved eachother, but that scares him - everytime things got really good, he'd freak out and we'd have a talk...this happened 3 times, and we were only together for 5 months. But I don't feel like this is really the end of "us", I don't know if that's a bad way to think about it and heal, is it? I guess that's why I'm writing this, to find out if you all think that is a bad thing to think.
First, let's preface to say that he's 22 and I'm 27, but he's quite mature for his age. I got out of a 5 year relationship about 1 year ago. He's a musician and takes his art very seriously, I'm a business person that travels the world for a living, so we are very different, but we've always respected eachother for these differences. Before me, he had been in a long term relationship with a girl his age from age 16-20. They were engaged and when they both went off to college, it only lasted a year. From what I gather, she ended the engagement over the phone. In the year that followed, he dated 3 girls, of which none of the relationships lasted longer than 2 months. He always found some small reason for losing interest and dumping them. He then took a break from dating. That's where I come in. I first met him through guitar lessons, I took lessons through him for 9 months and then sent him an email telling him that I enjoyed his company would like to get to know him better. I left for Africa for 2 weeks the day after I sent the message. He'd not dated in 6 months, and he replied back to my email mirroring everything that I had said and we sent a few cute emails while I was travelling and we started dating 2 days after I returned from my trip.
The first few dates were awkward, since our relationship had been student/teacher up until that point. But once he kissed me that first time on the third date, we were hooked. He quickly started text'ing and calling me on a daily basis while we were both away on trips. (during the holidays he visited his family, and I had business trips) Those calls lasted hours sometimes and we never wanted to end them. I know that this type of "new-ness" (for lack of a better term) wears off after some time in all relationships, but it was nice. Then after just a month, I got there one night and he was in a very sad mood, he'd been crying and told me that he wanted to tell me about his past. He told me that he was afraid that he was not capable of loving or being in love with anything but his music, and that is when he told me that he once did love someone and that since that ended he'd been walking around with a broken heart for a year and a half. He told me that he wanted to tell me his story and fears in hope that maybe that would help our relationship since he had never told anyone his fears before and the previous relationships didn't work out. He warned me that he isn't good in relationships, and a long term relationship with him is improbable, but that he would try.
When we were finally both home again, we spent 7 days/nights a week together, it was nice and things had been going very well. After 3 months he told me he was in love with me and then a few days later told me he loved me, to which I had no verbal response, but I did give him a great big hug and kiss, it was scary for me. Then after 4 months together. We had been planning trips together for the future and talked about plans for the summer, obviously leading me to believe that he expected us to BE together over the summer. He got wierd and it seemed like he was only going through the motions, saying he missed me while I was away on a short trip, but I sensed there was something wrong.
I thought I had pushed him away due to my inability to completely open up to him the way he had me, so I told him about my past relationships and my heartbreak and how I tend to push people away after a few months instead of letting them in my heart. I think this scared him and he brought up our talk that we had way back when about him not being good in long term relationships and how I would probably get hurt and told me that he didn't want that to happen. He said he didn't know if he was the one I should take that chance on. We ended up breaking up and I tried to drop him off at his place. As I was pulling up to his place, I told him that I had to tell him something that might make it easier for me in other relationships: I told him that at times I thought I had loved him". He then told me to keep driving and started crying. I tried to drop him off 5 times and the whole time he/we were crying. He eventually said that part of him didn't think it was over, but that he didn't want me to get hurt since he "just can't be in a relationship". We finally decided to try to work things out and spend a few nights a week apart.
That lasted a month and things got even better after that. Just a week ago I was worried that I would be getting in the way of his work/art and he said no that things were "great" and questioned why I would want to change anything. Then over the weekend we started making plans to go away in August to visit his family for a week. Then on Sunday we had a small misunderstanding and I thought we worked things out, but I guess he thought otherwise. On Monday night, we talked for 2 hours and he rehashed the same lines he had 2 times before and I guess I became hardened to them. I recognize them as classic signs of a fear of commitment. On top of that he is young, but my gut instincts tell me that his problem isn't that he doesn't love me. but that it scares him to love me. We ended it that we would take a break and see eachother on Friday, but he mentioned that he didn't think it would last much longer.
So after a day to think about it, I typed him a very honest and non-blaming letter and I called him and read it to him over my lunch break. I started the phone call with small talk and I asked him if he had given any thought to our conversation, and he said yes and I said that I had, too. He then made reference to seeing eachother Friday and said that he just needed a break, that's all. I told him that I wanted him to read a book (He's Scared, She's Scared) that I thought would be relevant to him. Then I told him I had a letter for him, and I read it to him. Afterwards, I asked if he had anything to say about it and he asked if we could talk tonight when I had more time and to give him a chance to think about it. I asked him if he was upset about my words in the letter since I did just tell him that he has a fear of commitment and is using his work/art to hide behind and takes his work/art extremely seriously, so I was a bit worried he'd be offended. He told me that he was not upset with me and thanked me for writing such a beautiful letter. The very last line of my letter said that if and when he is ever ready to love and be in a committed relationship that I would love to try again, but right now his heart is not open.
I then told him I had to go back in and we left it that we would talk about things tonight. I thought I'd be more upset, these things normally do upset me, but I honestly think that I do love him enough to recognize that this is not good for him and I love myself enough to know it's not good for me. I realized that things would never just continue on and come out ahead, but the only chance we would ever have to be a couple again is when and if he faces and overcomes his fears. If that will ever happen, I don't know, but there was no chance that what we were doing was going to work.
So, has anyone ever been in a relationship with someone with a fear of commitment and do they ever come around? Any suggestions? Thoughts? Similar situations?
Thanks,
LovingArt

3 times in 5 months? That's a clear indicator that he's not ready for a long-term committed relationship no matter how mature he seems.
Have you read 'He's Scared. She's Scared.'?
Carrie
So, we had our talk last night... I don't know what happened or what to think. He certainly didn't grovel, but we had one of our "objective" conversations that he likes so much and he made no mention of me getting hurt or him not being able to "be in a long term relationship", he just made it clear that he enjoys our time together and cares for me very deeply and doesn't want to stop seeing eachother. He also said that he just needed more time for his work/art (citing that he is on the verge of a breakthru in music and has been wrapped up in it over the past couple months) and asked me not to get mad at him for doing crazy things like drinking coffee in the middle of the night...this did upset me once, because he always complains he can't sleep and he's sees no connection between that and his drinking about 10 cups a day....
He asked what I wanted and I told him that I was thinking about moving to Thailand in January for year to teach with my best friend (which I am seriously considering) and that I don't know what I want down the road, but that my letter/words over lunch had made it clear what I wanted right now. I made it clear that although nobody can ask for a long term relationship to work out, that is the obvious goal and that I want him to be open to it and allow it to form if things work out and not go into it with a preconceived notion that it won't work, because that turns into a self-fulfilling prephecy. I also explained to him that I had never lived on my own, and that it is a new thing for me to spend a night in solitude. Before him, for nearly 6 years I had lived with a boyfriend and before that I had roomates and/or lived at home with my Mom - I always had to go somewhere else, like the beach at night or on vacation or a work trip, to be alone with myself and it is an adjustment for me to actually be alone at times, but it would probably do me some good since I am realistically still recovering from a miserable 5 year relationship and still lived with the guy for 6 months after we broke up. It was during this time that I started dating the guy in question.
We ended the night agreeing to eachothers compromises and I did put my foot down for the first time and tell him he needs be fair to me and that I want his time over the weekends, and if for some reason he has something he needs to get done on the weekend, I want a good time's notice of that since it is only fair. Just because he doesn't live on a schedule, I do, and if he wants to work at it, he needs to compromise, too. So, it's left at us seeing eachother on the weekends and 1 weeknight and if we're both up for it and free on other nights we might see eachother more often, but won't schedule it.
I also told him that he needs to be willing to go on vacations with me, short at first, but if we're still together and things are going well after some time, that I will expect week-long vacations and he needs to be okay with that. I told him I am not planning them now, but I do like to go away and I will expect him to join me for a vacation after some time with him.
I don't know what happened, I broke up with this man after he pushed me to that point and had already started to deal with that process and now we're together again. I am a bit concerned about seeing him tomorrow since I don't see myself wanting to stay over his place. Maybe that will change when I see him again, but I didn't miss waking up next to him this morning like I did the other day. He is still in denial that he has a fear of commitment, though. I am still gonna ask him to read the book, because he is a classic case of it. He thinks his situation is "unique"...
Anyways, any opinions???
Thanks,
LovingArt