Having a bad night

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Having a bad night
5
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 3:19am

Since the ex moved back to town to be closer to our son I have to see him all the time, and any progress I was making on getting over him is gone. I miss him SO much I can't even explain it. The thought of him with someone else makes me want to throw up. I just don't know for how much longer I am going to be able to take this pain without losing it completely.

We have been broken up almost as long as we were together and it still feels like yesterday it all happened...I found out he'd cheated, but instead of coming clean and trying to work things out HE ended it, told me he just couldn't see himself with me and didn't have feelings for me anymore. I would have done anything for that guy...I just don't understand why at 31 years old he would rather sleep around than be with someone who truly loved him and our son. Even through I *try* to move on I think deep down I can't let go of this hope/belief I have that he will come back and want to start again, but in reality the chances of that happening are probably closer to none.

Aside from the cheating he was my ideal, and I don't know how I'm ever going to find someone to top that, especially in this tiny city we live in. I know cheating is a big one but I am talking about beyond that. It just seems if I'm not seeing him I'm running into one of the girls he cheated with or hooked up with before we got together (and there are a lot). I wish there was some way to make him see, some way to get things back and make a clean start...I posted awhile ago, but I feel horrible lately and I don't know how to cope with this :(

ETA: Would it be bad to ask him if we could start being honest and open with each other, about the past and the present, so we could move forward as parents and actually be around each other with our son? I feel that hearing the truth from him and having him be up front with me might give me closure, but it might also make it harder for me to get over him...opinions? Thank you!




Edited 4/19/2007 4:33 am ET by hm06
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2004
In reply to: hm06
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 3:27am

***hugs***

Looks like it's a bad night for both of us...I was just startled awake by a bad dream concerning my current "problem".

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you, it's not like you can get him out of your life as he is the father of your child. And having the feeling that this person is your one and only, I've been there, but sadly, we have to come to terms with the fact that maybe he/she isn't, but that's easier said then done for sure.

Not sure if this will help or not, but just try to remind yourself, especially when you see him or someone he has been with, that you deserve MUCH BETTER! Write down a list of what you want in a person, and at the top of it, in big, bold letters, write SOMEONE WHO WON'T CHEAT!!! It may seem like a silly idea but I wrote out my "laundry list" of what I want in a person and I have hope that he is out there, you just have to have hope for yourself too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2007
In reply to: hm06
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 12:44pm

Hi ladies... looks like we all had a bad night. I woke up about 6 million times... that might be an over-exaggeration, but I did wake up alot. I still dream about him. I don't let him in my thoughts during the day, but I can't keep him out of my dreams. The thing is... I don't want to be with him. I miss him, but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is a complete commitmentphobe. One of the last things I ever asked him was..." Does it bother you at the age of 26/27, you are unable to commit to anyone or anything?" I didn't mean it on the terms of me and him. I asked him that as a general question, because he was talking about starting fresh and leaving everyone and everything behind when he moves to St. Louis for residency. I know there is someone better out there for me. At one point in time, I thought he was my ideal too. I thought I could potentially spend the rest of my life with him. Then I started thinking about it... I came up with a list as to way he is NOT my ideal and why I deserve better.

1. Unable to commit
2. Loved to "teach me lessons" by belittling me if he didn't like my opinions or thought something I said was stupid.
3. Loved to dutch-oven me.
4. Would play online poker when I came over sometimes and ignore me.
5. Selfish. Asked me to move to where he was, but wouldn't even consider me when he made his decision for residency... HELLO IM IN GRAD SCHOOL AND WANT TO GO TO MED SCHOOL. He expected me to drop EVERYTHING for him and lose 2 years of research work, but wouldn't give up anything for me.
6. He whined constantly when he was sick. Make your own chicken soup!
7. Barely ever drove the hour to my house, because he was "busy" with licensing boards, etc. I would drive to where he was and he would be watching sports or playing online poker...real busy huh?
8. Would get angry when I refused to drive the hour to see him, because I had done it for the past four weekends. I told him if he wanted to see me then he could come to where I was at. He would whine and say he was busy... then play around all weekend.
9. Whenever I achieved something or had something good happen to me, he would be like,
"yay Lindsey! do you want a metal or a cookie?" , but when something good happened to him or he achieved something... he expected me to be 100% supportive and happy for him. He never let me be happy about my own achievements. He made me feel guilty about them, because he felt like I was competing with him.
10. He thought everything I do now isn't as important as what he's doing.

Yes, he did make me feel good about the way I looked and who I was, but always cut me down a notch. He was so insecure about himself that he couldn't stand that I was on his level intellectually.

NOw I want you to read your post again. How exactly was he your ideal? "Aside from the cheating he was my ideal, and I don't know how I'm ever going to find someone to top that, especially in this tiny city we live in." Now that doesn't make any sense. He cheated on you, was unable to commit and from what I remember from a previous post, cut you down and belittled you. Talked bad about you. Left you while you were pregnant. Is this ringing a bell? He is not going to commit to you. He would rather have sex with other women than be with you. Is that harsh enough for you? He doesn't want that love and commitment you can give him. If he did, he would be in your arms right now. I am so sorry for saying that and I do not want to offend you, but you can't change him. And don't try to rationalize why he broke it off with you... "he cheated and didn't want to come clean." He ended it, because he doesn't want a relationship. If he wanted a relationship with you, he would have come clean and begged for forgiveness. He knows you know he cheated... but he's not on his knees begging for you back. You will never make him see or want a clean start. Some men just would rather sleep around with no strings attached. Men think about sex differently than women. They don't look at it as an emotional bond. You need to do whats best for your baby right now. I know you are feeling horrible and since your baby is just a baby still. This might be the best time to move on without any effects on the child. The child isn't going to understand right now why "mommy and daddy aren't together." First sit down with him and tell him what exactly is going to happen. Tell him you need to move on from the relationship. You have to do this by minimizing contact with him. Ask him to respect you on this and to stick to the guidelines you BOTH set down. Designate a mediator. This person will take the baby back and forth from visitation. Set out custodial guidelines and stick to them. Do this with a lawyer present if need be. If you HAVE to talk to him, keep it straight and to the point. Then start accepting the fact that the relationship is over. Seek counseling if you need to... I did. Once you start to move into the acceptance phase, it will get easier. The horrible feelings will decrease over time. So kick him off that pedestal you have him on and start moving on. You will meet that ideal someone someday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2007
In reply to: hm06
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 2:59pm
Keep on trying to move on and get over him. Focus on yourself and your baby. Most of all, please don't tell yourself you can't get over him. If you believe that you can't, you won't, and you're just setting yourself up for failure. I know how hard it is, many of us here do, but keep up faith in yourself and your ability to move on and take control of your own happiness. You CAN do this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
In reply to: hm06
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 1:51am
Dammit why can't I have you in my head 24/7 reminding me of this before I do stupid things? LOL...it is so easy to remember the good and forget the bad, and whenever I see him I just want everything to be okay with us and I forget everything he put me through. It's like temporary amnesia! If only it worked so that I could stop picturing him with these other women...that is something I just don't know how to get over, the idea of him with someone else really does make me feel sick :S How do you deal when you run into him with someone else though? That is something I am really dreading the most.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
In reply to: hm06
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 6:25am

I'm going to give you some advise that my very wise aunt recently gave to me. She and my uncle divorced about three years ago. I was dumped by my boyfriend of over a year at the begining of March. We lived together so I was forced to stay until the begining of April when I could move into a new apartment. Even though I know it is the right thing for us to not be together, I too miss him a lot and am having a hard time finding closure. What she told me I have not yet tried but I still feel it was good advise. Although, I'm sure it's probably easier said than done, but then again isn't everything in life?

Request grabbing a cup of coffee or something of that sort so you two can talk. If you want him to be honest with you, you must be prepared to hear exactly what you don't want to hear. That doesn't mean that you will, but in most cases it is likely. If you are not prepared to hear it, don't ask. (In my case, I know why he broke up with me and I don't want to hear it again. So when I do contact him for closure, I'm not even going to bring it up. For me, once was enough.) A girl in my ethics class once said that if you have to ask, then you probably already know the answer. I believe that. But everyone's situation is different. In my aunts case, she was confused when they divorced and in order for her to move on she needed to have answers. She needed the honest truth and when she was told, it hurt her deeply, but only at first. She said that having a talk with my uncle was the best thing she could have done and after that (and a little retail therapy for good measure) she was able to move on much more quickly. So if your anything like my aunt, then yes, hearing the truth will be tough at first, but hopefully will give you a better understanding of what happend and will eventually bring you closure.

I hope this helps you! And remember, you're not alone:)