Having a bad night...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2012
Having a bad night...
Sun, 01-20-2013 - 10:53pm

Long story short I found out my ex had another girlfriend and was playing us both.  This was the end of October.  We have not been in contact except the occassional text about exchanging things through a mutual friend who doesn't mind being our go-between.

What is killing me right now is that my ex never apologized... I know that sounds stupid... but it really matters to me and I know it shouldn't.  Every logical bone in my body is telling me that he is a liar any way and even if he did apologize it doesn't matter because he is full of shit.  But after 2 1/2 years together it truly ended when I got a 2 am phone call from the other girl.  The next morning he called me with her in the room to tell me he had been trying to break-up with me... I told him all he needed to do was tell me he was attracted to someone else or not into me anymore and it would have been over - no questions asked.  All he had to say for himself that morning when I told him that was "now you know."  After our entire relationship all I got was "now you know."  Really?? You couldn't have told me this BEFORE you started sleeping with someone else?  I want an apology for lieing and manipulating me.

How do I get past this??  I am going out more, spending more time with my son, joining new social clubs, going back to school, hanging out with friends.  I am going through every motion I should be, but I just can't seem to get over the hurt of not getting an apology.  In all honesty, I had already realized we weren't going to make it long-term... but I was going to end it with respect, a break up... not run around on him.  I just wasn't completely convinced it wasn't going to work... but I knew the writing was on the wall.  I hate drama and he brought so much of it into my life.  I am glad the relationship is over... so why am I crying three months later??  I am seeing a therapist to try and work this out... why I stayed so long, what I want in the future, how to handle this with my son, etc.  I am just looking for advice... something I missed maybe?  How do I get through these bad nights without falling apart and totally getting down on myself?  I have extended periods of good days when I don't even think about him, but I was sobbing for an hour tonight... all because he texted me asking if I had seen his ipod.  I just don't know what to do with myself. Help please :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2011
Mon, 01-21-2013 - 1:41am

My daughter went through the same thing. . . boyfriend who brought so much drama to her life, who she stood by even though her family and friends knew he was using her because he was a weak individual . . . moved in with another girl behind her back.   My daughter was inconsolable for months after this guy broke her heart but continued to call her.  Every time she would take 2 steps forward, he would call her or post something on FB and she would be sent into a tailspin.  Her grades even started slipping in college and I constantly worried about her.  We got her a counselor and she went to work on re-building her self esteem.  She also changed her cell number so that he could no longer contact her. BTW,  I don't think your ex really wants to know where his ipod is.  There's just some sadistic thing men do by contacting their vulnerable exes.  I really don't get it.  The last thing I want to do is contact my exes, especially if I'm the one who left... Anyway, my daughter went off the social media for a while so that she wouldn't have constant reminders of him.  All in all, it just took time for her to get over him and move on with her life.  Today, she is thriving in school, loves her new job and has a new guy in her life who treats her well and above all respects and adores her.  It sounds like you are doing all the right things and with time this too shall pass.  Just love on that son of yours and keep moving onward and upward. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-21-2013 - 11:36am

My impression is that you don't just want him to SAY that he is sorry, you want him to actually BE sorry for what he did.  A person who is such a jerk that he would cheat on you after 2 1/2 yrs and just call to say "oh I was gonig to break up with you" in such a heartless fashion is really not sorry about what he did at all--he's a jerk!  So why would he even think to say that he was sorry?  He's not sorry at all.  So any apology from him would just be fake anyway.  It's like when a parent tells a kid "say that you're sorry" and the kids just says "I'm sorry" cause his mom told him to--do you think if someone has to be told, that the kid is actually sorry?  It's meaningless.

I think you are doing the right things, except that you should totally block his number from all communication--make sure he's not your Facebook friend, even delete mutual friends so you can't see what he's doing--just put him totally out of your mind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Wed, 01-23-2013 - 6:14pm

Use your sense of justice. The sooner that you realize that this guy is not worth the energy that you are putting into him, the sooner you will stop.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 01-23-2013 - 6:25pm

I read or heard somewhere recently about that phenomenon where men who have broken up with you, for whatever reason, and you didn't want the break up will contact you under a myriad of reasons because they want to know that you're still thinking about them. And what better way than a phone call about some random mess?

Either block his number (privacy star is a good app for your phone--I had it on my blackberry and now I've got it on my android) or change your cell number altogether so that he can't contact you.  Close off all manner of communication with him so he can't catch you off guard while you're still vulnerable..  Now is not the time to talk with him or allow him to try to "be friends".