Having difficulty with this...
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Having difficulty with this...
| Sun, 07-08-2007 - 11:37am |
Hi everyone...I've kind of reached the "calm" stage where I know things are really not going to be the way I had hoped, and I am seeing more and more that it's probably for the best. I haven't spoken to my ex in almost 2 weeks. Here is what I am grappling with...I really thought I would have heard from him and he would have explained/apologized for his strange/hurtful behavior. Or he would have at least been in touch, acting like nothing happened, just to make contact with me. I can't let go that he should be held accountable; it's like he got off easy. I never confronted him, never called him on anything he said or did, basically never gave him one iota of crap for what he put me through. I feel like he's thinking, "Whew, dodged that one, thank God. Moving on..." How can anyone be so cruel and heartless? I know it shouldn't matter but the truth is, plain and simple, to me it DOES. And, I'm sorry, no matter how much I try to build myself up about how great I am, his actions (or lack of rather) really, really hurt. I just can't get past these feelings of being used and discarded in the worst possible way.

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Hi
I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds exactly like how I have been feeling the past few weeks. I am wondering the same thing about my ex. He basically decided he couldn't handle a relationship and stopped returning my calls. That was it, not I'm sorry, nothing...crickets. Some "men" will do anything to avoid an argument and actually face you. It's not about you, they like the courage to be honest. I wonder why my ex was so scared about talking to me about how he really felt about the relationship. He is about a foot taller than me. Now I when I get sad about how he could just move on without a second thought I feel like I dodged a bullet. Think of how life would have been if I had invested more time into the relationship an then had him do this or if I had married him and this was his way out of every disagreement, avoidance. I tried my best to communicate how I felt and he decided to ignore my feelings. That kids or person does not deserve my time.
When I ran into him on the street, two weeks after he stopped returning my calls he gave me this whole "I am sorry how things played out" I told him I had nothing to say to him. I had a lot to say, but what could I really say to that half a## apology? Played out?, I was not playing! I walked away with my dignity. If I had even started to say something I might not have been able to stop. He won't see a crazy woman he can be glad he got rid off, he will see a woman with class who walked away. Sometimes is better to take the high road.
Again, some people do this. It's like the episode of "Sex and the City" where the guy breaks up with Carrie on a post-it note. What a wimp! If he comes around you have to decide if you really want someone that detached near you.
Thank you for your response. Sounds like you have a very similar situation. "Played out"...don't you just love it when guys get all wordy on you, lol? Sheesh. What you said makes a lot of sense...I know this guy has loads of relating problems, and I know I will be better w/o him. I just feel like I can't completely move on until he "owns up" to his behavior. I know it won't happen; he's obviously not going to call, and I am certainly not calling him. We don't live super close so the chance of running into him is virtually non-existent. If he was someone I dated once or twice I would have been way past this already. I just can't see how someone you spent time with and shared such intimacies, emotions, etc. etc. can act badly and then just disappear to boot. That's what hurts. I want him to know I know what he is, if that makes any sense! I don't think it's right to mess with people's emotions and then be held unaccountable. Even if it's the wimpy way out; email, texting, a voice mail...at least it's something. I can't stand this silence!
Well, at least my dignity is most definitely intact, as you mentioned. I would have just liked the chance to say, "You know, you really took advantage of me and treated me badly. See ya." But I have to say, maybe I might lose control, then my dignity would be out the window. It's childish, but I guess I would love for just ONE chance to "hurt him back". Especially since this is the SECOND time he's pulled this!
Thank you again for responding, be well!
Hi,
People that "ghost" like this are cowards, plain and simple, regardless of why they did it.
Yes it hurts and yes you will at times want to get back at him or hurt them also. I am at 3 month mark, and believe me it does get easier as time goes on.
Write everything you want to say to him in a letter, curse, rant, whatever..... and then burn it. ( I had to do this a few times, because I kept thinking of other things I wanted to say). You don't need him for closure, you give that to yourself. Keep your dignity, your head held high and know that you deserve better.
Hey sassisizz,
Thank you for the input! That gives me hope it will get easier. I mean, I'm living my life and all, but with this little cloud of sadness I can't seem to shake. And I start thinking, Doesn't he miss me? Does he wonder about me? Think about, regret how he treated me? If I could just push past this. I think I will try your letter-writing idea. I've heard of that before, it is supposed to be cleansing. I will probably have to do it a few times as well, lol, I am definitely that "oh yeah, and another thing" type of person. Guess that's part of why this is bothering me, I am a very thorough person and I hate unfinished business. I just wish he would call one time, so I could be like, "Hmmm..let me think...ummmmmmm...NO. Thanks again, hope you are doing well yourself!
WOW, can I relate! I, too, had a jerky ex who, when dumping me, esentially blamed me for the breakup. HE was the jerk, and I was good to him. I also wanted to hear from him, and I wanted him to apologize for hurting me. But he DOESNT get it. It's all about him. If I hurt someone the way he hurt me, I'd feel so guilty. They don't understand. If he doesn't contact you, or if he does...realize that you can have your revenge - living well and moving on with your life. In the end, you'll still be you - who I am sure is a great person...and he'll still be a jerk. We have to let them go. It's hard, I know. He didn't dodge a bullet - YOU DID!!! You're better off without him, and you'll find someone who is worthy of you. He's definitely not (and my jerk ex is not worthy of me, either!!)
and remember, "what often seems to us bitter trials, are often blessings in disguise."
best of luck!! xoxo.
My guess would be that he's thinking things over just like you are, and some breathing room and time is most definitely a good thing, even though it doesn't feel like it. He may contact you eventually, but hopefully by then you won't really care. The best thing for you not talking to him is also that he doesn't know what you are thinking either, so return the favor.
Take this time to figure out what you want. My ex wrote me an apology "letter" (on an INDEX card!) about 2mos after we stopped talking, and it surprisingly didn't mean that much to me (a good friend advised me to throw it out that day so i wouldn't keep thinking about it, so I did). I guess it felt good to know he had a soul, but it didn't fix my pain. I have to do that myself. Something that also helped me was to write him a letter about the things I was still angry with him for. I wrote this about 2-3 months after we stopped talking, and I thought I was starting to get over it, but once I did this, got surprisingly emotional and felt like it was a really good release. All that matters is that you are releasing the unspoken frustrations, and you'll feel better even if you don't send it to him.
Whatever you do don't blame yourself, it's him - he has issues and he is a coward if he can't be a man and face you. I live a few blocks away from mine so we will be bumping into eachother which baffles me even more at how he can do this to me - i was nothing but an understanding, supportive girlfriend to him. Just keep telling yourself, it's his loss! I don't need him, he was lucky to be my boyfriend and now that i'm freeeeeee I can find the guy I truly deserve to be with.
My ex did not treat me as I wanted to be treated - he never had time for me... he never really wined and dined me or did anything - I personally want and think i deserve a guy who will do all that and more - yea he called me his princess, but he sure did not treat me like one so I prob should be thanking my ex for doing this - it crossed my mind many times but I did not have the heart to do it to him - thought i would hang in there till things with his work got more settled and he could finally make some more time for me - Oh well - everything happens for a reason, right? Hang in there and try to be optimistic - time heals all wounds. It's getting better for me by the day but yes it still hurts like hell and yes i'm still left wondering "why?"
First of all big *HUGS* to you. Your situation sounds like a mirror image to mine. And you have the unfortunate chance of running into him (and it's true, that does make it that much more baffling that he should pull this), my guy doesn't live all that close (another county about 45 min away) so the chance of him and I running into each other is pretty slim, thank God. He never had much time for me either, and when he did, everything was always on HIS terms. He was extremely selfish, and used me in every possible way. I always made excuses for him, I guess I just didn't want to see him for what he was. Sometimes he was so sweet, loving, generous, seemed to enjoy making me laugh, and I'd just melt. But those moments were few and far between, and looking back, I think they were done just to keep me happy enough, so I'd continue to do his bidding.
And let's get one thing straight...you were NOT a fool to call him. You did what you felt was right at the moment, in your heart, never beat yourself up for that. The only fool is HIM, do you hear me, HE'S THE FOOL! He's the fool for leaving an awesome woman like you! HIS LOSS!
One thing I did today, that was suggested in this post I believe and has been advised to me in the past as well, was to write a letter telling him how I felt (NOT to be sent though!!!) I found it unbelievably cleansing. I had my doubts but I figured, hey, I'll try anything. I felt like I wanted him to hear how I felt, in person, but by writing this unsent letter I realized that it didn't matter if it was said to him...these thoughts just wanted a voice, to be heard. It didn't have to be said to him in order for me to feel better. I mean think about it. If someone treats us as poorly as these guys did, what kind of response would we get anyway if we tried to say how we felt? Nothing, because if they had any caring in them at all, they wouldn't have treated us that way in the first place. We'd be left feeling more frustrated and hurt than ever. But by writing how you feel in a letter (picture him sitting right in front of you, like you are having a face-to-face conversation) you can say anything and everything you want, without fear of his reaction, or fear of saying/not saying something. Anything goes...anything that's in your mind and heart. You can keep it when you are done, rip, it up burn it, whatever, just DON'T SEND IT! For now I am keeping my letter tucked away, I will read it again someday and then probably throw it out. When I did it and read it over, I truly felt a huge relief and a sense of peace. It was incredible. It was like all those crying voices inside were comforted FINALLY. I'm sorry to over-dramatize here, but I just can't believe how calm it made me feel. I guess it's true when they say you give closure to yourself. It's not to say I still don't feel bad and wonder, but not with the obsession I once had. I did this this morning, and today was the first day where there was a dramatic decrease in the time I spent thinking of him. I also felt happier and more interested in other things for once.
Sorry to ramble on, but I really wanted to share this with you in hopes it might help you and others in our situation...take care and let me know how you are doing...I am always here! XOXO
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